Book Reviews 2016: 16-20

16) Pope Joan by Donna Woodfolk Cross

Pope Joan is an awesome book, and I gave it four stars. It is a historical fiction novel based on research of the fabled ninth-century female pope. I love when authors do a lot of work to make historical fiction as accurate as possible, and this is one of those kinds of books for me. 

This book follows a brilliant, multilingual girl through her life as she defies gender expectations, disguises herself for safety as a man, and rather passively rises to the position of pope. Yeah, like THE pope. The story felt mostly plausible and was full of intrigue. I really enjoyed it. 

This time in history was so weird. Europe was one country. Christianity existed (though I have NO IDEA how--truly a miracle). People still spoke Latin, which is now a dead language. Some people lived in tribal settings, and Rome was falling apart. I enjoyed placing myself in the midst of these peoples and appreciating their everyday struggles for just a time. 

I think the thematically-worst scene of the book involves an observed pillage and rape (ugh). The rest is pretty tame, but it is the darkest of the dark ages. 

This was a book club selection, but it was on my list anyway. I'm planning on keeping it around. My edition has fascinating research notes in the back. I like to think Pope Joan was a real person because legends start somewhere. I did a research paper once on Robin Hood and concluded that someone like him really did live. Likewise, even though the Catholic church has done its best to blot Joan out, there are many other documents supporting her existence. 

Either way, it's nice to think that Joan's legend may have inspired other women to transcend the female fate expected of them by oppressive societies. Go Joan! 

17) We Should Hang Out Sometime by Josh Sundquist

This book is written by the same author as Just Don't Fall, which I have already reviewed. Josh decided to set up a formal retrospective investigation involving all the girls he ever dated...because obviously that's the normal thing to do. It makes for great entertainment though. This process was used in order to scientifically deduce whether there was something askew about him that caused him to still be without a girlfriend into his twenties. 

In a series of entertaining-to-hilarious stories, hand-drawn graphs and diagrams, and scientific analysis, each relationship is recounted and examined. The end conclusion to Josh's problem was a revelation that made me think about crying, in a good way (and I am not an easy crier). 

This book isn't going on my favorites shelf, but it was still fun. Three stars. 

18) Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh

This book IS going on my favorites shelf. It has some swearing, like, kind of a lot of it (take off two stars). But I have not laughed so hard in...I don't know how long (add one star). Maybe I'll go through it with a sharpie one day when I care more. 

I think this would be classified as a graphic novel because it is made of both paragraphs and cartoon illustrations by the author. In that case, it's my first graphic novel I've ever read! Though they look roughly and haphazardly sketched, the pictures are meticulously crafted for maximum effect, capturing complex emotions that can never be conveyed in words. They. Are. So. Funny. You. Will. Cramp. 

The book is made of a bunch of blog posts the author wrote; I recognized a couple that I read a few years ago. The author talks about her dogs' mental problems in detail; a horrifying run-in with a goose; what depression feels like (not hilarious, but extremely accurate!); how she tricks herself into thinking she is a good, not-selfish, planet-saving person, even though she proves she's not; and a lot of other hilarious accounts. 

It killed me. I literally gasped and shouted to my husband as a shapeless, quivering blob from the couch while I was reading the chapter on fundamental concepts her dogs don't understand--"This book is literally killing me!" He cooed back to me, "Aw, you're so cute when you laugh." I kept reading even though it medically unsafe because the endorphin releases outweighed the implosions in my lungs...and my boo thought I was cute. :P

When I read the blog years ago, I imagined that the author was a hunched, emo college student with a pile of empty pizza boxes as a desk. But she is actually more of the over-caffeinated, perky, blond cheerleader type. Somehow, this makes her more relatable to me? Like, it shows you can look positive on the outside but still hide behind a blanket from a goose or hate all the things during depression or want to throw sand in faces for no explicable reason?

I think I'll sleep with this book tonight. It gets me. Thank you, Allie Brosh. ("Clean all the things?")

19) The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork

A note on the cover of this book indicates that it has the potential save lives, and I believe this true. From the protagonist's progress to the list of hotline information in the back, this book drips with subtle, believable hope for people with mental illness. 

This is a young adult fiction novel about Vicky, a teen who awakens in the hospital after attempting to take her own life with medication. She is admitted to the mental health unit where she meets a very caring doctor and other teens with mental health challenges. Vicky goes through a lot of growth and self-discovery and is able to eventually emerge from the depression fog that led to her drastic event, while saving other lives, finding her voice, and grasping purpose for living. 

I felt like this was a realistic and uplifting read. There were several points that really spoke to me. For example, I really appreciated how one character found out three things Vicky liked, and he pointed out that those are three things to live for. Who would think of that? That something as simple as gardening roses could keep a person going? Is life really so mundane and simple? Perhaps. I appreciated also the value of menial labor (we need more of this), family support, and space to heal. 

This is a book I would hand to a friend who is struggling if I was as brave as Vicky. For now, it's going on my favorites shelf. Five stars for accuracy and greatness.

20) Choosing Glee by Jenna Ushkowitz 

What a fun book! I read this book in an evening and felt fantastic afterward. Jenna worked on Broadway, then on network TV. She is full of pep and hopes we find our own "personal brand of happiness" through her ideas in this book. It holds such a positive vibe with its bright colors, tips, and anecdotes. So many points resonated for me. 

I recommend especially for fans of Glee since it was written around the context of wrapping-up of the third-ish season. (Confession: I LOVE a lot of the Glee music.) There are lots of photos included. Note that Jenna swears sometimes, meep. 

Here are a few quotes I liked. 

"Hope is chasing your dreams and standing up for your beliefs." p. 21

"...my differences really did turn out to be my greatest advantages." p. 139

"Becoming an adult is realizing that you don't have all the same beliefs as your family and friends, and that's okay. You have that right. I used to be scared of being 'wrong.' Now I own my thoughts and opinions..." p. 152

And that's a wrap, my friends. I still have 32 books to go, but I committed to myself that I would work on my continuing education nursing credits for a little while after I finished my twentieth book. We'll see how long I hold out, because I may or may not have begun three books just for a taste between the subtitles in one of the articles...

Book Reviews 2016: 11-15

11) Happily Ever After by Kiera Cass

This is a companion to The Selection series and includes four novellas (told by four different characters), sketches, a map, and other sections about the characters (my personal favorite is the "Where Are They Now?" section). My husband and I started this book last year and finally finished it, having read The Selection series last year as well. 

I feel like this book is comprehensive. The author demonstrates mastery over her fictional world by keeping the facts straight as she writes from a half dozen characters' perspectives! This book is so satisfying that way. We felt immersed in castle life; ultimately, we knew more about it than any one of the characters. Thanks Kiera Cass!

She really knows these people and loves them. She respects their voices enough to put out this book, and I appreciate that. I liked this better than the series, probably because it crowned the books. Five stars!

12) Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

Many Americans study parts of Leaves of Grass in school, but I took it upon myself to read the whole thing. It is pretty impressive. Sometimes I gripped the book with white knuckles, feeling like it held answers to life's mysteries. Other times, I felt like I was slipping into a peaceful trance. And once in awhile, I would have shaken the author's shoulder if I could and said, "Whoa, WALT! You can't just WRITE that, EVER, much less in 1855!"

Walt Whitman seemed to think like a modern-day hipster. He wrote in free verse poetry, talked about feelings, secluded himself in nature, talked openly about taboo topics, and sported an unruly beard and casual posture. I like him. I don't agree with many of his theology points: he gives mankind too much credit instead of God. But I would happily be his neighbor (as long as he didn't play "Garden of Eden" around his property like my old neighbors used to--hello, clothes much?). Walt Whitman is weird and edgy for his time and ours, but I can see myself singing kumbaya around a campfire with him and a bunch of other edgy people as a cultural experience if given the opportunity. 

I once mentioned my reading challenge that my sister and I are doing together. This book is going under the category "book that was once banned." In truth, many books are banned somewhere. I could have read Harry Potter, The Scarlet Letter, Farenheit 451, or hundreds of others (including the Book of Mormon, no doubt). But I love the BYUTV show "Granite Flats" and have kept in touch with the show's writer, John Christian Plummer, for some time. Leaves of Grass is the show's "Rosetta Stone" for translating symbols into concrete meanings. The names of the season three episode come from Whitman. And every time a show ends, I sit back and think, "....woooow...." It's pure genius. 

Early on, the writer (Plummer) gave me a few resources to research, including a lecture series on Whitman, and I ordered them straightaway. So when I saw Leaves of Grass on a list of previously banned books, my choice was obvious. 

The reason it was banned was for sexual allusions. Like I said, I'd be like, "WALT, you can't just talk about liking to be naked!" or "WALT, you can't just SAY that about private bedroom things!" But being a hipster, he never listened and went on reveling for another line. Whatever. No wonder we didn't read Leaves of Grass in its entirety in high school. 

For the literary experience that is Walt Whitman, I give this work four stars. I mean, come on guys. Listen to this:

"The sickness of one of my folks--or of myself... /They come to me days and nights and go from me again, /But they are not the Me myself."

Hello!

Or this:

"The smallest sprout shows there really is no death, /And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it..."

Also, he LOVED the USA:

"...the genius of the United States is not best or most it it's executives or legislatures, nor units ambassadors for authors or colleges or churches or parlors, nor even in its newspapers or inventors... But always most in the common people. Their manners of speech dress friendships--the freshness and candor of their physiognomy--the picturesque looseness of their carriage...their deathless attachment to freedom--their aversion to anything indecorous or soft or mean--the practical acknowledgment of the citizens of one state by the citizens of all other states--the fierceness of their roused resentment--their curiosity and welcome of novelty--their self-esteem and wonderful sympathy--their susceptibility of a slight--the air they have of persons who never knew how it felt to stand in the presence of superiors--the fluency of their speech--their delight in music, the sure symptom of manly tenderness and native elegance of soul...their good temper and open-handedness--the terrible significance of their elections--the President's taking off his hat to them not they to him--these too are unrated poetry. It awaits the gigantic and generous treatment worthy of it."

13) The List by Siobhan Vivian

I give this book two stars. It is about the things I chose to miss out on in high school by electing to be a goody-goody and a bit of a loner. High school felt so obnoxiously myopic--I knew it was only an illusion, and that nothing about it--besides the grades and awards that would get me into college--would last. Thus, I didn't seek out boyfriends or cliques or even a lot of dating opportunities. It just didn't matter to me. But it is the whole world to a lot of high schoolers, and this book demonstrates this idea. 

The book's premise is devastating. A high school has a sick tradition of posting an anonymously-authored list of the prettiest girl and the ugliest girl in each grade the Monday morning before Homecoming. Four hundred copies posted makes it impossible to miss, yet no parents or teachers know about it (???). The book is then broken up into days, and each listed girl's reaction is narrated for the week. In some chapters, there is a lot of swearing because a character is livid. We see labels and assumptions while also examining insecurities and strengths of each girl. But the book is full of labels. 

Problems: The authority of the list maker is taken so seriously. The tradition should have been extinguished years before. Also, there is a serious lack of parents in the book. Girls go off to buy gowns on their own. With what money, I'd like to ask? And don't parents care where their kids go and what they wear? Are my attentive parents a social anomaly?

I view this book as a sad commentary on how much people rely on public opinion, which is generally misinformed and wrong. I wanted each girl to grow a spine and not care, but each needed to be skinnier or more girly or less soft spoken. None viewed themselves as okay as they were. And I was not okay with that.  

Be aware that there are mature situations--a party with alcohol and resulting misery, eating disorders, make-out sessions, and a lot of teenage angst. Read with caution. I don't recommend. 

14) Just Don't Fall: A Hilariously True Story of Childhood Cancer, Amputation, Romantic Yearning, Truth, and Olympic Greatness by Josh Sundquist

The unusually-long title sums up this memoir (I'm enjoying memoirs lately!). Josh Sundquist is an energetic, fast-talking YouTuber, motivational speaker, amputee, cancer survivor, and 2006 Paralympian ski racer. I stumbled on his YouTube channel when looking for something else, and he made me laugh out loud. Because my library doesn't carry this book, I let many, many months pass with his book on my list...and finally ordered it for a penny online.

Josh's high energy shoots through his writing (when he isn't tired with cancer) as he narrates his story. It isn't so much about recounting events as it is about reliving his emotions through those events. He writes in the present tense at the age he is in the story, which is really fun. For example, we react in present tense with his nine-year-old self as he learns his cancerous leg will need to be amputated at the hip; we fee suspicion of the nurse who dug around his arm with a needle for an IV; and we notice with childlike disgust when adults try to lie to him. We feel like he really is in control of his life, because we are him, and we are nine, and we know everything because we read a lot and are smart about this condition. And we don't even notice he is close to dying because we are nine, and we have plans for the future. 

Josh is really precocious and polite, having been homeschooled in a conservative Christian home. I really enjoyed reading about his determination through cancer and his recovery, his first stint with motivational speaking (at the ripe old age of, what was it, fourteen?), college, and Olympic training. 

Josh talks about how his family doesn't use euphemisms (like "oh my goodness"), so the language and topics are clean for a lot of the book. Then he meets a few people who have massive swearing issues and have lived more "in the world" than he has, and while he handles it with grace, there is definitely a shift in topics. I am aghast as to why the f-word is such a go-to expression in books (is our vocabulary really SO limited?), but it shows up lots toward the end. Bah!

I really enjoyed this book. I really did. Maybe because Josh and I are peers. Maybe because I've followed him on Instagram and YouTube and laughed at his stuff for a long time (his Halloween costumes [a flamingo? a foosball soccer player? a gingerbread man with his leg bitten off?] rock, and the guy who takes his left shoes is his "sole mate"). Maybe because I get some of what he says in my own way. Maybe because he is so expressive. Whatever it is, I think I'll read this book again sometime and read his newer book soon. Four stars. 

15) The Book of Mormon

I feel uncomfortable "reviewing" The Book of Mormon except to say that I know it is true and is a book of God. I will be reading it three more times this year.  But it is five stars. Actually, ten. I keep uncovering new layers and am edifices with every reading. The Book of Mormon is true!

Book Reviews 2016: 6-10

6) The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox

My sister sent me a reading challenge for this year, and I have put this book down for the book I had abandoned. It's true. It's like eating a super rich dessert, and it's really good, but you just can't eat it all at once. I think I worked on this book off and on for nearly a year. 

Brad Wilcox is wonderful. He is a gifted wordsmith. His heart is big, and his understanding is profound. This book on the Atonement (an expansion of a talk Brad once gave) is quite good, but something I would rather read a chapter at a time to get the full benefit instead of in a few binges, as I tend to do. 

I truly struggle with books that have no plot. The short stories sprinkled here in there helped me press through it. But otherwise, it felt like reading the Bible Dictionary (which is not a bad thing; I just can't read it for more than a few minutes because it is so compacted). 

I give this book four stars for subject matter and the compassionate wisdom of the author. My testimony and understanding grew! But it was so much information all at once, said in so many ways. I have to knock off a star for the way my attention lapsed very often. It's a book I would love to read again, in bits. 

7) The Only Pirate at the Party by Lindsey Stirling and Brooke S. Passey

Imagine two sisters staying out late to a dubstep concert, then staying in the same room afterward to giggle and write funny chapters for a book as the adrenaline rush subsides. Also, imagine one of the sisters was the headlining performer for said dubsmash concert, having danced in a whirl of sequins while playing complex, original melodies on an electric violin. 

I don't think the creation process of this book was far off from that. 

The book is told in first person by Lindsey. She jumps from story to story, and I was enthralled. Everything was addressed: early life, embarrassing memories, her LDS mission, her eating disorder, 'aha' moments, learning to be the boss, upholding standards on her tours, modesty, being awkward with celebrities, and "post-tour blues." I identify with Lindsey's cheeky personality and am amazed that this little pixie of a girl could have such immense spunk and vision, and the determination to see it through. She filled a void in the international entertainment industry we didn't even know we had--for a dancing, hip hop violinist. All the while, she manifests disbelief at her popularity, inward uncertainty, and expresses her regular-joe-ness. It is a fascinating juxtaposition. 

I gave this book five stars. I heart it. I want it in my private collection so I can see those bright blue letters stand out from the yellow spine, reminding me that it is really okay to be THE ONLY PIRATE AT THE PARTY. I am more inspired to be myself and go for my dreams. 

Despite how AMAZINGLY, REFRESHINGLY POSITIVE the vibe is throughout this book (even during harder chapters), I do believe most males and older ladies would blush with some of the lady talk. This is standard visiting teaching or mother's room conversation, sparsely sprinkled throughout the book. If you're a girl, you get it, but dudes might want to avert their eyes sometimes (THOUGH her observations about the guys on her tour group are positively revolting! I don't even see how they are comparable). 

I feel like Lindsey Stirling is the cool college roommate I never had. I GET her. 

I got an ab workout from laughing through this book. Lindsey has a clever turn of phrase I relished. I highly recommend this book if you're a Stirlingite or a person with big dreams. 

8) What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty (book club selection)

This torrid book club selection is about a woman who wakes up after a head injury with no remembrance of the past ten years of her life. Instead of blissfully newlywed with a child on the way, she has three children, is divorcing her husband, and has become someone that even she dislikes. So what happened? That's the story. 

The positives: this book helped me reflect. Am I who I wished to become ten years ago? Where will my current vector lead in ten years? Do my friends help or hurt my progress? How are my relationships with the people I love? How can I ensure blossoming, long-term relationships with them? 

Also, this book gave me many, many examples of people I want to be nothing like at all, and renewed perspective of what kinds of books I do enjoy. 

Otherwise, this book was exceedingly unpleasant to read. My online search for a summary at page 184 was fruitless, so I put in a few hours and ashamedly finished the book out of morbid curiosity and to keep up with my book club. Oh, how I regret it. If it was a movie, I would have walked out; I have that sick feeling for finishing it. The book is dusted with a thick layer of obscenities (f-bombs abundant), all of which could have been replaced with intelligent diction. To me, there is very little literary merit to What Alice Forgot. It is a dramatic story and nothing more to me, besides the discussion pieces which were great in book club. 

The author is disrespectful of the reader by keeping the storyline dammed up for nearly 200 pages, then slowly leaking plot and essential information over the next 269. She tempts the reader with important details without explaining them for a hundred pages or more. I felt manipulated into finishing this book, and ultimately underpaid for the work I put in. 

This is a two star book for me, representing the introspection I conducted and the few times the author made me laugh. I appreciate her efforts, but this isn't my style. This is the kindest review I can create for this book. 

9) Silence by Deborah Lytton

Fifteen-year-old Stella dreams of being on Broadway and has sworn off relationships to help her focus on her dream. But when a freak accident renders her deaf and unable to sing, solitary Hayden becomes the only person she can understand because his severe stutter makes his lips easy to read. The two grow closer as he shows her what potential her life holds, even while deaf. She really sees him despite his guarded brokenness. Of course there is lots of drama and that nearly insurmountable crest of communication that is characteristic of many novels, but I felt this was worth my time. 

Like a Hallmark movie, the book is cheesy, pleasantly mindless, and most of all, heartwarming. I give it 3.5 stars. 

This book reads like a middle grade novel, with basic diction, lots of cliches, and many, many. Short. Incomplete. Sentences. What puts it into older-grade territory is the topic of some physical and verbal child abuse in the past. Even though it felt like I was reading a melodramatic tween novel most of the time, it was a fluffy way to flush the bad taste in my mouth from the last novel I read. 

10) Focused: Keeping Your Life on Track, One Choice at a Time by Noelle Pikus Pace

If you watched the skeleton events at the last Winter Olympics, you'll remember peppy, family-centered Noelle Pikus Pace who took silver in the event (jumping into the crowd after her final run, no less). No one has been more excited to earn second place! It is with that enthusiasm that Noelle wrote this book. 

It is hard to categorize this book. Self-help? Memoir? But it reads quickly and packs an inspirational punch. Noelle writes in themed chapters, and a story from her skeleton career is used to illustrate each (though not in chronological order). Noelle wasn't always self-believing and others-centered, and I appreciated reading about 'aha' moments in her progression. I flagged several pages that had great insights or quotes from LDS prophets, and there are many beautiful photographs throughout with lovely, scripted quotes on them. 

This is an uplifting and motivational read, great as an emotional pick-me-up. Noelle is a determined, spiritual woman, and I feel like a better person having read her book. I can't wait to read it again another time. 4.5 stars. 

Sent from my iPhone

I Quit

My labs came back. Some things have improved, which is great, but the Lyme is raging. 

I talked with my doctor. We listed a dozen or more therapies that we have tried the past couple years. "And none of them have made you feel better, except in your guts," she conceded. We both sat back in our chairs and stared at each other, feeling bewildered. 

It seems I am an overachiever in freakin everything I do. 

Guys. This is tens of thousands of dollars we've spent, including loans. And still I lie in bed, a noncontributor to my nuclear family. 

The doctor and I came up with a plan. It felt really right until I was handed the bottom line by the billing girl. There is no way in heck we can afford this treatment, which may or may not lead to wellness. Since then, my husband and I have looked hard at options, even considering selling stuff and moving. 

If we had the kind of money needed to pursue the therapies my doctor and I discussed, I would rather use it to send my husband and kids to Disneyland anyhow.

I thought of other modalities and felt overwhelmed about mobilizing myself toward new things that may or may not work. 

I'm tired of a lot of things. Of the way we live without a functional wife and mother. I fake it less and less all the time. 

If I'm going to suffer, I might as well do it  for free. So I'm quitting. Maybe it's a sabbatical, maybe it's for good. I hereby quit worrying about the options, coordinating my care, getting myself places, and spending the money. 

...at least for today. 

I quit. I'm done trying. I hate this game. 

On Friendship

For many moons, I have tried to maintain friendships and my lifestyle all at once. The natural divergences of life over time (changing interests, location, family dynamics, etc.) have made it so difficult. But I have been desperate for companionship and have spent a thousand hours wondering how to be a friend.

I am not as responsive as I wish I could be. I have passively let friendships slip because I couldn't grip well enough. My mourning has been profound.

The important thing I've had to realize is that any relationship we have here also exists in the spiritual realm. I think of someone I love who was an excellent father until illness took hold of him and changed him in so many ways that he seemed completely altered and unable to function anymore. Yet the bonds he formed with his little children were sacred and still exist. Even if they were to grow bitter, and he resentful, those deep connections would still exist. I firmly believe this. Our relationships are defined in such temporary, earthly ways here...but if we zoom out to look at eternity, the best parts of our relationships still live and breathe.

If you are my friend or family member (ahem, ALL of you), and I have been inattentive, I. Am. Sorry. Will you please forgive me?

What we have once held between us still exists and is precious, even if I can't act on it right now. I still love you, even if I have a funny (or absent) way of showing it.

Don't be afraid to reach out. I'm a spaz, but I love getting your voicemails and love notes. I'll try to be better.

Waiting for Labs

I have drafted about a dozen blog posts that have gone unpublished. I think it's because I've been having a midlife crisis and have felt protective of some of my budding opinions.

Yes. A midlife crisis at my age. I reckon you're allowed more than one.

Today I want to give an update about the lab tests results I'm waiting for. But first, some background...

On Christmas Eve 2014, I had endured three months of IV therapy through a PICC line in my upper left arm. My skin is so fair and sensitive on the inside of my arms that it hated adhesives and skin cleansers and not being able to breathe. By the middle of therapy, I had open, weeping sores riddling my upper, inner arm. It stung around the clock. I went to the hospital every other day to get rewrapped with a roll of sterile gauze--certainly an infection hazard because it wasn't airtight, but simply the only way to keep the PICC line in to finish my treatment. 

The minute I could get the line out that Christmas Eve, I did. I was so sick. My doctor had me rest and recover from the antibiotics and other therapies for three months. We retested my numbers in March, and my Lyme markers had more than doubled. I still felt awful. We hadn't hit it hard enough. I had my second PICC line placed right away to start a more rigorous treatment, but it went in the upper right arm. 

This time, I had a homecare pharmacy deliver my infusions and supplies so I could take care of myself at home instead of 45 minutes away. It worked wonderfully (except when I had a horrible allergic reaction to one of the new drugs--but I'm a nurse, so I handled it). I infused until summer arrived. The PICC line skin issue emerged slightly later than the first time around because we prophylactically tried a wound dressing called a Mepilex instead, but I was wrapped in gauze again before the second month ended. My poor skin. We pulled that PICC out with glee when the three months of four-days-a-week infusions were up. 

Believe it or not, we never rechecked my Lyme levels. It's a $340 test, and I thought if it was hardy enough to have survived those drugs, maybe it deserved to kill me. It couldn't be that tough, not after what I'd poured into my body. I wanted to deny its existence and move on with my life. I wanted to have my body back, be able to drive again, and to not need a wheelchair for outings. It would be all up from there, baby.  

My doctor got me started on the LDI injections and let my system recover from the second three months of IV antibiotics, and boy did I need it. I went to a GI doctor once, and she had me get a bunch of liver tests (including imaging) because it was so shot. I started to feel kind of awesome in August though; I did some house cleaning and some driving and some good mothering. It lasted about three weeks before I began to slump again. 

Thinking it may be hormonal, I hoped I would have a repeat of the good feelings and increased vitality in September. But it didn't come. Not in October or November either. I even tried to fake it. I told people I thought I was getting better, when they asked, because for awhile I believed it. 

This year (2016), it's been bugging me that I am so horrifically fatigued all of the time and just feeling worse, with new crazy symptoms like tremors and migraines and psych issues. The critters may be munching on my brain after all. 

I literally spend all day in bed except for maybe two times per month (examples: I went on a field trip with my daughter's class; we have my sister's wedding coming up; family tradition days or when people in town I drink caffeine and go). I attend church every week. I get out a few evenings a month for this and that. And other than that, I'm really at home. In bed. Trying not to bemoan my situation. 

I have had LDI injections to treat viruses as well as Lyme. The idea is that sometimes a virus (like Epstein-Barr and cytomegalovirus) can weaken your immune system and create a situation for latent bacteria, like Lyme, take over. That is one theory of what may have happened to me. My doctor has treated for viruses as she has hypothesized that my Lyme has diminished with the continued LDI injections (of which I have undergone twenty rounds!). I've agreed with her. The viruses she suspects are fatigue-causing beasts. 

Lately I have had this unsettled feeling that I needed to get blood work done. So last week, I requested it: a follow up on my Lyme numbers, a virus panel, and anything else my doctor felt necessary. I filled several tubes with blood and went home nervous as heck. 

That's how I feel every time I let my mind wander. I feel nervous. 

Possible outcomes of my lab results:

--Everything is negative, and we are left befuddled. More testing. $

--Something unimportant is positive and serves as a red herring we get to chase around. $$

--My Lyme is back with a vengeance, and I get more IV therapy in whatever form, but longer and more aggressive than last time. $$$

"See kids? This is why we can't have nice things."

If the latter is the case, I'm getting a port. A port is a little button that is implanted under the skin of your chest with an IV line that dumps into your superior vena cava, like a PICC line. You access it with an actual needle connected to tubing. The needle stays in your skin for a week at a time, but I'd wager I'll only need it up to five days a week. Swimming and showering and letting my skin breathe will be wonderful for me. I should have gotten a port the first time around, but I didn't know much about the circus I was joining back then. 

My skin can't withstand dressings. My peripheral veins can't stand the scarring. And I can't stand getting myself to an IV center when I feel like death. I can access and deaccess a port from home. It is the path of least resistance, and all signs point to DUH. 

No matter what the labs show, I am already horrified at my prospects. I don't want to be scared. But I don't have the money or energy to pour into chasing illnesses forever and ever. But also, I just want to KNOW. It's as bad as when I waited to see if I got into BYU's nursing program. Bring it!!

I feel exigence to treat myself. It's so real. I can't deny this urgency. 

Another test I'll need soon is a follow up MRI on the cyst in my brain. We just need to make sure it isn't changing. 

There is a lot more I could write about, but if I stop now, I'll be more likely to post. 

It's going to be a weird summer. I hope my kids don't get tired of sidewalk chalk and weeding the garden, because that's going to be their summer thrill this year. They are such good little people. Mom ruins everything!