Oh, hey guys! It's been a long time since I've written. It's hard to find Lyme people who are doing a lot better because they stop putting their journey on the internet and instead focus somewhere, anywhere, else.
So I apologize for abandoning you and humbly return as one who feels yet again unwell. I had more vigor and stamina the last several months than I had in years, but summer came and made my Lyme multiply in the heat (at least that's how I perceived it). Right now, the dream is to spend my summers in the cool, wet, and mild Pacific Northwest, where temperatures rarely rise above 80 degrees Fahrenheit.
During my recent "months of plenty," I knew I was better based on how much I was able to do. When I was the most ill, I could do one thing per day: pick up kids from school, OR shower, OR cook some food, etc. (It all feels so familiar as I lie here in my nightgown from two days ago.) But then I started doing three things. Then eight. And sometimes even a good dozen! To increase productivity by 1200% is amazing. I ran errands and cooked our dinners and chauffeured my children place to place. I purged my house of even more stuff. Yes, I lied down about twice daily for a good rest, but I was doing stuff. I was living. I wasn't waiting to get stuff done--I was GETTING it done.
I try to live in a perpetual present, but I admit to the rare glance at the "what-if" banner in my brain. What if this energy didn't last? Nah, things are good, I'd think. I've got my rife and better nutrition...this should work out.
But this summer has cut my legs from under me. I can't do all the stuff, and it's sad. Back in the early spring, I verbally hoped I could help with my sister's impending twins in the summer because I would have oodles of healing time in between. Mid spring, I felt no increase in energy and retracted my hopes to be their nanny. And now I lie in bed most of the time, of little use to anyone except the puppy who naps beside me. To want to be relied upon by people I care about, but being unable to deliver, is heartbreaking. Nobody wants to take a step backwards.
One thing I still do well enough is carry my own load, even if I can't help with others' loads. Yes, we've had to modify our style from having a power mom to horizontal mom, but it's working. My children have full summer days of assigned chores, assigned reading, and assigned play. We change up enough things to keep their lives new and fun, frequenting the library and showing them movies they are finally old enough to enjoy (like "National Treasure," "The Princess Bride," "The Ten Commandments," "The Sound of Music"). We participate in holiday celebrations and take a lot of drives into the mountains. They play with the dogs and splash around outside. And I am teaching them to cook and clean, play piano and swim. They are making memories.
So yeah, they're doing great even if I feel like a bum and want to move on from this. But I have to remember that they were meant to be in this family and that if I'm meant to handle this life, by extension they are too.
So that's an update. It is what it is, and it's good enough. It has to be.
