Random Updates

Hello. In the spirit of pretending I don't have any illness, it has been a long time since I've posted.

I started a new treatment over a month ago called LDI (low-dose immunotherapy, I believe). It is a series of weekly injections into the skin on my forearms. In any illness or allergy, it is the body's immune system that creates body symptoms and causes one grief. The purpose of LDI is to train the immune system to stop reacting so much to foreign substances, whether it is Lyme, a virus, peanuts, or even a sample of your own tissue.

I have undergone five weeks of treatment so far. It makes me feel quite Lyme-y sometimes, but my guts are feeling so much better than they used to. In fact, I am basically eating only gluten- and soy-free now. Isn't that crazy?! I still keep up a lot of Paleo habits because they work for me, but I enjoy having more variety in my diet. The first week I ate small portions of dairy, I gained four glorious pounds—and I haven't lost them yet! I'm so happy about this, and that my gut seems to be healing.

Recently, I read a book by a Japanese organizer named Marie Kondo. It has changed my life, and I am finally setting our house in order. So far, I have discarded about 1 ½ or two SUVs full of stuff, and I'm not even halfway through. As I go through our belongings, I have learned a lot about what I want from my life and what kind of energy we want in our home. I'll post on this once I'm further into the process. But I will say it is extremely fulfilling to gain mastery over our objects.

My husband planted a large garden this year, knowing I would most likely not help with maintaining it. He has cheerfully farmed that little piece of dirt, and it has given back more than we expected. We have kale out the wazoo! Our compost pile is growing, and our neighbor who breeds rabbits gives us all the manure we could possibly need.

My little family seems to be doing well. My husband has been extremely busy with work this summer, and I'm so glad. I knew that someday our prayer would be answered and we may miss the slow business days. But my husband continues on as cheerfully as ever. Our daughter had surgery over a week ago—tonsils and adenoids. We feel like parents of a newborn again with all the times we have been awake with her in the night. But she is recovering as well as can be expected and will have a renewed burst of health and apnea-free sleeping from now on, we hope. Our son is the most good-natured, silly boy, and I have needed his steady pleasantness as I've nursed our daughter back to health while Daddy is working. I'm not kidding when I say that every single thing about him is almost unbearably cute to me. I can't believe how adorable my children are and how blessed we are to have them.

In fact, a friend commented to me yesterday as she observed them playing, that she always wanted a boy and a girl—that it would be just perfect. And as I looked at my peeps through her eyes, I agreed—I have a great situation. I'm so very grateful they came thirteen months apart while I was still so young.

Speaking of children, there are sure a lot of them being born and announced lately. And I am soooo delighted for their parents! Per suggestion from someone who has done the same due to health issues and promptings, I asked Heavenly Father to remove my desire for more babies if He truly didn't want me to worry about bringing them to earth at this time. And He really has. Just this past weekend, I gave away baby items without a twinge of sentiment or regret. Happily, I let them sail on to a new life without us. While I used to be unsatisfied with our "small" brood, I don't feel guilt anymore about being happy about our family of four.

I should talk about my mood. It's been awesome! It's a miracle, as slow as the night sky waking up as the sun approaches the horizon. I never knew if I would ever be okay again—a hallmark of despair. Yet, I feel great. Truly happy and full of gratitude.

Sure, I get spells of anxiety in social situations still. If I'm hammered with outside negative energy, I crumble. But those are moments instead of my existence. I know the sun will come back out. I can't believe I am so happy.

I do still have limitations. But I feel more powerful than I have in years.

Scriptures, prayer, and journaling have also saved me. I started the Book of Mormon again and slowly digested first Nephi, because come on guys, Nephi is the man. I also feel he is among the most expressive and candid of the Book of Mormon writers. I relate to a lot of his emotions; he shows vulnerability and fortitude all at once. I love Nephi. Every time we begin the Book of Mormon together, I can't help but think that he was meant to be at the beginning as a relatable and invitational voice to all who start the Book again.

There is a difficulty unrelated to health or anything I've talked about that I am working through. It's exciting to get to work through challenges and find out how I am stronger afterwards. This one is a doozy, but Heavenly Father is really helping me.

I guess the only other thing to update you about is my birthday. It's coming up soon, and I'm excited to finish yet another trip around the sun. I start a new journal on my birthday every year, and this past year's journal will definitely exceed the number of words in the third Harry Potter book (>107,000). I like that this time of year is hallmarked by school supplies and new clothes in the stores. I like sipping herbal tea and dreaming of fall, then winter…but I still like folding few socks from the laundry because everyone is running around in sandals. There's a seriousness and simplicity before impending school structure hits us all again. It's weird and wonderful, sweet and stressful. I approach my birthday with new goals and hopes in my heart.

That's my story for now. I barely keep my eyes open as I type this. The Lyme is fierce today, but I don't mind giving in. Love you all!

"I'm Doing Just Fine."

Boyd K. Packer, a beloved Apostle, recently passed away. I got to hear parts of his funeral on TV. One story from his funeral has stuck with me especially.

 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke as a fellow Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, and also as President Packer's long-time friend. Elder Oaks said that no matter the condition President Packer was in, he answered the question, "How are you?" the very same way:

 

"I'm doing just fine."

 

(I hope I got his verbiage exactly correct.)

 

If you're a long-time reader of my blog, you know I have typically addressed that very question with some combination of four levels of candor when it is asked of me. When I heard this story about President Packer, with a standard answer despite the standard and superstandard ups and downs of his life, I had to stop and think for awhile. How could one simple phrase sum it all up, every time? My first thought was, "That doesn't seem very honest. Everyone has good and rough days, including Apostles."

 

But I've talked it over with several people, and a stunning thought keeps hitting me in the face. It seems to me that President Packer wasn't necessarily avoiding the truth or putting up a wall to hide his best or worst of days.

 

President Packer was saying this sentence to himself, and he believed it. It was an affirmation.

 

 

"The storms are swirling, but I'm doing just fine."

 

"My body ages, but I'm doing just fine."

 

"I don't know how things will turn out, but I believe all will be well. I'm doing just fine."

 

"I see immense successes from my efforts, but they do not come by my power. All glory goes to The Father. I am lowly and have much to learn. I don't need credit. I'm doing just fine."

 

"I feel sorrow and loss, but I know the truth and am comforted by it. I'm doing just fine."

 

 

That sentence is faithful. It is believing. Managing, making it, and still here, we thrive. Indeed, we are doing just fine!

 

Zoom out past this mortal life, and I realize that God carries us through it. Um, WOW?! Our Maker has a plan that fulfills our every need and develops us into our finest. Trials are opportunities to be refined. We work toward being finished and complete.

 

I submit that it is completely possible to reprogram a calamity complex into a calming complex, and it is as easy to wear grumpy pants as it is to wear giggle pants. Why not be fine? Be in a state of wonder instead of worry.

 

I have been trying it out, and I think it's nice to feel "just fine" and really mean it. I believe in good things to come. And whether I am asking a probing question or thinking it to myself, I try to live by President Packer's paradigm because I like it. I smile more on the inside because I realize in wonder that—wow—I'm doing just fine.

Three-Week Hiatus

Hi y'all. I have been in denial about ever having had Lyme the last few weeks. I stopped IV antibiotics and had my PICC line pulled three weeks ago, and I have taken a mental vacation from the sick life. It's been awesome. 

Now the reality of illness is peeking out from behind the trees of hope I planted. It burns holes in facets of life that I hoped it would never touch again. I feel so DONE with chronic illness, yet it remains. The recovery is slow. 

And actually, I don't know if recovery ever took root. I like to hope so. But as symptoms emerge (like exhausting twitching spells and migraines), I wonder. Is it healing, illness, or good ol' detoxing?

That's one of the most frustrating parts of all: I don't know where I am on this mountainous journey. Am I peaking? On a decline? Or am I bobbing up and down a few degrees day to day? What is the next step? Should I take really tough steps uphill, with muscles shaking and sweat dripping to the earth, while I begin to grow in hope and strength? Should I allow myself to be swallowed in a new avalanche while I wait upon The Lord for direction on if I should dig out? Or should I set up a nice campsite and wait while until the storm passes to keep hiking? WHAT?

The hardest part of any trial is not knowing how long it will last. If I could see a graph of my trials to know when the worst part of that huge emotional contraction is cresting, that would make panting through it a whole lot easier. 

And so, three weeks of wondering has not given me much headway in the self-motivational department. 

I had a great holiday weekend out of town with our family. I was practically my old self, but with dietary restrictions. It was miraculous. It was like slipping back so easily into a pair of jeans you haven't worn since before pregnancy; it's like they've always fit, but you KNOW you've undergone such dramatic changes. Heck, you sustained a PERSON who was ready for the outside world. And that person is proof that you changed; and that person changes the world by being born. Yet, the jeans fit. It's like noting ever happened for just a split second. You could never forget your child permanently, but you flashback to the unaffected you. 

But since we got home, I've spent 90% of my time lying down, in pajamas, wondering how this weekend even happened. The jeans are in the wash, and I don't have energy to launder them. 

In short, I hoped to blog during this three-week hiatus about a grand, positive change. I can't. It would be nice to report that I have perfected the art of patience. Not in this lifetime. 

But I'll tell you this. I'm still here, and this journey, wherever I am in it, somehow matters. 

Let Children Teach

Children sometimes intimidate me.

 

For example, just two weeks after we got married, I began serving as the sunbeam teacher (three- to four-year olds) at church every week. For two hours, these tiny people were my responsibility. Later, I got a co-teacher, and we wrangled these cute, but busy sunbeams on the front row of the junior primary group every week.

 

It stressed me out because I felt that the sunbeams' occasional bad behavior was a reflection on me and showed that I could not handle children, even though my entire childhood I helped newborns up to teens in my own family. I felt like a bad teacher because my sunbeams weren't reverent. I had a lot to do, transitioning these people from the free-for-all snack- and toyland of nursery to sit-and-be-reverent primary, and I was failing. I took it very hard week to week. I stayed at that post for two years, and it never got easier.

 

Looking back, I wish I could have just realized that three- and four-year-olds are not designed to sit still and be reverent. They don't understand politeness or their own bladders very well. They are unable to understand the teacher's hurt feelings when they are being rowdy or the other kids' feeling when they get in a squabble. They love the teacher, but they don't know how to say it. They have short attention spans.

 

The other adults in the room probably weren't judging how well I could handle little people; they were just grateful I was there (and, maybe, that the sunbeams weren't their responsibility).

 

So anyway, I should have chilled out and smiled more. A lot more.

 

 

Today, I got a long-awaited phone call from someone who has been giving me fits about an issue. I almost got nasty over the phone. I was so irritated afterward that I wished I could slam my phone down on the hook (pressing "End" on the smartphone just doesn't have the same satisfaction). With ridiculous policies of this subjective, beaurocratic process racing through my brain, I got up to get my children lunch. I wanted to call my husband and vent (it's an issue we're both invested in), but I got swept away as I spread cream cheese on a bagel, sliced an apple, and shook milk in a chocolate syrup container to get the drippings out. My children were pleased as punch with their favorite things. They jabbered on at me, and I enjoyed it so much. I noticed how cute they were in their matching outfits as we talked about how to be polite and use manners. Then they put on their shoes and headed to a neighbor's house for a playdate. I watched them from the porch and wished I could bottle up the moment—their sweetness, their cute disregard for treading on grass, their matching outfits, their height difference, the way my daughter's ponytail swished side to side, the way my son's new shoes slipped off his heels just a little. I was placid and joyful. Those people are MINE FOREVER!

 

Then it occurred to me.

 

My children had distracted me from my angst and turned the minutes afterwards into the most delightful part of my day.

 

They taught me by example.

 

They have small worries and great joy. They didn't pick up on my issues. They don't know what beaurocracy is. They don't care about the past or the future. They live right now and are glad in the present. They gave me just what I needed—a reminder that the present is just right, that things work out, that we are miraculously provided for, that good surprises are just around the corner. In this moment, without even realizing it, my children taught me to trust God with my issues.

 

No wonder Jesus Christ wants us to be like children. It seems like a pretty sweet, simple way to live.

 

Perhaps I should have listened to those sunbeams better all those years ago—at their wonder and whimsy and joy for life, their trust that they would be taken care of, their delight in small things, their good-natured boasting, their freely-given compliments and little gifts from their hearts like a sticker or half a gum wrapper. Instead, I had been more concerned about how I looked.

 

When did I stop having the wonder I had as a child? When did I stop loving everyone and everything with all I had? When did I start judging? When did I stop trusting I would be taken care of by my loving parents or Heavenly Parents? When did I start thinking it was all up to me?

 

I'm grateful for children and the lessons they teach us when we slow down enough to watch and listen. I'm going to try to believe that everything will work out in this issue we're dealing with. I'm going to be joyful today.

Imminent Change

You know that feeling you get before an exciting change?

 

You've been looking forward to it.

You thought it would never come.

You've been hoping for it.

You can't wait for it—

And suddenly it's upon you.

 

Like starting at a new school,

Making a big purchase that you have been saving for,

Zipping up your bag the night before a trip,

Walking into a hair salon for a big chop,

Driving in to sign the mortgage papers,

Or deliver a baby.

 

The excited butterflies you've had since forever

Feel more like a bellyache

And you kind of frown inside.

 

Because, don't you feel a bit of…DREAD?

Like, am I ready?

Am I sure about this?

Have I thought this through?

Do I really want to go through with this?

It was the right thing then, and then, and then—

Is it the right thing NOW?

 

Wait—it HAS to be.

And by gum, I have to be stubborn about this and

DO IT.

Like I decided,

Then, and then, and then.

 

I've got this.

I was born ready.

It's time.

Bring it.

Hit me.

 

Probably?

Just, drive around the block.

Ok, let's go.

Wait! Just two seconds.

Great. I'm cool.

HANG ON!

I had the power. Now I'm just not—

 

Wait, what?

I'm done?

It's over?

Heh, good thing I didn't freak out or anything.

That would have been aaawkward.

Lucky

I've been wanting to write all day, but I haven't known the subject. And then it came to me. 

I am lucky. 

Lucky, blessed, however you want to say it, I'm that. 

I have a HUGE extended family in many branches that I can be myself with. All of our Selfs are celebrated. That's what family is. 

My parents talk about how great I am to other people--and sometimes I overhear it, or they boast right in front of me. I'm always gleefully surprised. I love hearing parent pride from anybody, but especially them. I bet our Heavenly Parents talk about us too. That makes my heart want to burst!

I don't know how, but I was blessed to marry the sweetest, stubbornest man on the planet Earth, and we have two good children that keep delighting us. I don't get it. How did we get here, with them, and how were we ever NOT together?? I love our family's good-naturedness and humor. I am so lucky. 

Life surprises keep popping up like friendly, dewy clover. Some I like to pick, and some I try to pull, but they're all made of the same stuff: blessings. And they're all miraculously growing from the same source: God's light. Left and right, there they are. How can one person get so many opportunities to grow? How can Heavenly Father have so much confidence in me? Would I put money on me? If Heavenly Father knows I'm good enough, maybe I better get used to the idea too. 

I live in a great time and place, and I have the Gift of the Holy Ghost along with amazing technology and huge access to earthly and heavenly knowledge. Like, WOW. Really. How miraculous has YOUR day been so far?! Think about it. 

I feel like crying sometimes, or saying a bad word, or being nasty. But after Heavenly Father picks me up out of the mud again and kisses my forehead before We press forward on this rickety path, I feel okay for awhile. I seem to know another slump will come, but Heavenly Father's Hand is always well within my reach. I just get to choose whether to grasp it. 

One week left of IV antibiotics, guys. One more week of predictable crazy. Everything after that is a surprise. I wonder, whatever will it be? I bet I'll run into more luck and more clover. 

TMI Tag Questions

(I think these are fun, and I won't refuse this tag, though I will skip some questions as they don't apply. I like filling out superfluous questionaires.)

1: What are you wearing? A grandma-type nightgown. Because I can. Ha!
2: Ever been in love? TOTES! To my husband! And my dad when I was little...aaaaand still to this day. If he had asked me to marry him when I was three, I totally would have, and I would have thought I had the only prince in all the land. 
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Nah. Ew.  My husband was my first boyfriend, even though I had dated lots of guys for extended periods before him. Dodged a lot of bullets, methinks. We were only boyfriend/girlfriend for like 2 1/2 weeks, because when you know, you know, you know?
4: How tall are you? 5'6"
5: How much do you weigh? 105 lbs--trying to gain 15! Definitely binging on smoked Gouda even though my belly is like, "WHAT THE HECK, YOU FOOL!"
6: Any tattoos? Not a one. 
7: Any piercings? One hole in each earlobe, thank you very much. 
9: Favorite show? The Dick Van Dyke Show, the Cosby Show, Psych, America's Test Kitchen, 30-Minute Meals with Rachael Ray, Rick Steves' Europe, cheesy Disney shows, because I can. (Lizzy McGuire! Even Stevens! Anyone?)
10: Favorite bands? I'm not hugely into popular music. Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band? The Carpenters' Christmas album? Alfie Boe! Piano Guys? I like random songs from random groups, but I can't commit to just one. I will say this though: if the band members look unkempt (what the HAIR?!) and distressed, I'm usually out. Can't take that energy...yuck. 
11: Something you miss? Dancing. Being healthy and having boundless energy. Moving houses a lot and living in Europe. Being pregnant. Road trips. Eating all the things. 
12: Favorite song? Greensleeves. I have many favorites, but this one pretty much wins. 
15: Quality you look for in a partner? We're a LOT alike, and it helps so much! Laughter and childlike humor. Purity. Spiritual leadership. Testimony. Selflessness. Level-headedness. Smarts. Work ethic. Height (my only physical near-requirement when I was single, and my husband gets an "exceeds expectations!"). My husband has it all. 
16: Favorite Quote? So many to choose from. I'll pick the one I have hanging closest to me on the wall: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain." Splash in this puddles and laugh, baby!
17: Favorite actor? Dick Van Dyke, Jimmy Stewart, Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly. Actresses: Julie Andrews, Emma Watson (as Hermione), Vera Ellen (when she dances).  
18: Favorite color? Magenta!
19: Loud music or soft? Soft in the earbuds, loud on the dance floor. 
20: Where do you go when you're sad? To my bed or AWAY (at least in my mind)--a change of scenery or a drive, something to shake out the vibe and clear the air. 
21: How long does it take you to shower? Five minutes. Lather, rinse, GET OUT! I shave once a week because my hair is fair and fine, so that day it's probably double the time. 
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? If I'm getting dolled up, from shower through breakfast is about an hour, maybe an hour and twenty if I keep changing outfits (I'm notorious for this). 
23: Ever been in a physical fight? Petty pinches and shoves with my siblings when we were young. I'm not proud. 
24: Turn on? I love my husband's light, his aura, his purity of heart. I also love his intrinsic scent--the way he smells sans fragrance. He's cuddly too--very nice. 
25: Turn off? In personality? Creeper tendencies, crude manners, foul language, negative attitude, attitude of entitlement, poor hygiene. 
27: Fears? Standard parent safety fears for my children. Pain attacks. That I won't get better. Social anxiety (that's the Lyme brain, I think). 
28: Last thing that made you cry? A blog post I wrote, then didn't publish. It's a journal entry now. 
29: Last time you said you loved someone? Right before I kissed my sweetheart goodnight. He's so easy to love. 
31: Last book you read? A junior reader version of "Inside Out," the movie coming out next week. I think I know how the movie will go now. It might be deep. Can't wait to see it. I liked the book. 
32: The book you're currently reading? I'm waiting for Stargirl to arrive at my door. I think it will either be empowering or weird. I bought it for a penny. 
33: Last show you watched? A Disney show, "Lab Rats," last night while I was trying to keep my mind off of puking during my infusion. 
34: Last person you talked to? My hunnybunnygoogoobear. 
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Him, again. Pretty dang good. Eternal marriage and growing love, and all that!
36: Favorite food? Thanksgiving dinner, ESPECIALLY MADE-FROM-SCRATCH STUFFING! Ain't nothing finer. Wisconsin Cauliflower soup from Zupas. My mom's potato cheese soup. Fire-roasted beef tostada drenched in dressing from Cafe Rio. Mexican. All of these foods give me, like, major emotional experiences, with crying and everything. AH! I want a cinnamon roll now. These are all forbidden. I don't really have foods available that bring me joy. It's like brushing my teeth: I do it cuz I hafta. Glad I can swallow though. 
37: Place you want to visit? Right now, the UK the most. I dream of it. Literally. 
38: Last place you were? The planetarium with my family. 
39: Do you have a crush? TOTES, on HUBBY McAWESOMEGUY!
40: Last time you kissed someone? A few minutes ago. Him. Always. 
41: Last time you were insulted? Today, about something I was wearing, by the nurse who was changing my dressing. Maybe I was just being sensitive. I can wear a 3/4-length shirt on a warm day if I want to! Especially to cover my PICC line. So there. 
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? Easy. Browned sugar and butter: caramel, toffee, penuche fudge, get in my belly!  
43: What instruments do you play? Ok, lots, but not well. Piano (extreme stage fright), flute, piccolo, Irish tin whistle, guitar, and learning ukulele. I'm most comfortable on guitar, flute, and the pennywhistle. 
44: Favorite piece of jewelery? My wedding band and a plain little CZ pendant on a delicate chain. It's darling. Someday I'd like an opal pendant for everyday. It has lots of significance to me. 
45: Last sport you played? I threw a frisbee to my dog? I walked a little?
46: Last song you sang? You know Jimmy Fallon's "Tight Pants" song? Well I sang these words to that tune: "Everywhere I go I've got my seat belt, I've got my seat belt, I've got my seat belt on." Our kids were buckling up in the car after the planetarium. 
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? Today. My family. Also, my sisters and my mom: I helped her pack for an upcoming trip because I have tons of packing hacks and am a packing ninja. No, really. 
50: Who should answer these questions next? Anyone! Everyone!...Anyone?

Hope you had fun. Odd questions, odd answers, but...there ya go.