Summer 2017 Update

Oh, hey guys! It's been a long time since I've written. It's hard to find Lyme people who are doing a lot better because they stop putting their journey on the internet and instead focus somewhere, anywhere, else.

So I apologize for abandoning you and humbly return as one who feels yet again unwell. I had more vigor and stamina the last several months than I had in years, but summer came and made my Lyme multiply in the heat (at least that's how I perceived it). Right now, the dream is to spend my summers in the cool, wet, and mild Pacific Northwest, where temperatures rarely rise above 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

During my recent "months of plenty," I knew I was better based on how much I was able to do. When I was the most ill, I could do one thing per day: pick up kids from school, OR shower, OR cook some food, etc. (It all feels so familiar as I lie here in my nightgown from two days ago.) But then I started doing three things. Then eight. And sometimes even a good dozen! To increase productivity by 1200% is amazing. I ran errands and cooked our dinners and chauffeured my children place to place. I purged my house of even more stuff. Yes, I lied down about twice daily for a good rest, but I was doing stuff. I was living. I wasn't waiting to get stuff done--I was GETTING it done.

I try to live in a perpetual present, but I admit to the rare glance at the "what-if" banner in my brain. What if this energy didn't last? Nah, things are good, I'd think. I've got my rife and better nutrition...this should work out.

But this summer has cut my legs from under me. I can't do all the stuff, and it's sad. Back in the early spring, I verbally hoped I could help with my sister's impending twins in the summer because I would have oodles of healing time in between. Mid spring, I felt no increase in energy and retracted my hopes to be their nanny. And now I lie in bed most of the time, of little use to anyone except the puppy who naps beside me. To want to be relied upon by people I care about, but being unable to deliver, is heartbreaking. Nobody wants to take a step backwards.

One thing I still do well enough is carry my own load, even if I can't help with others' loads. Yes, we've had to modify our style from having a power mom to horizontal mom, but it's working. My children have full summer days of assigned chores, assigned reading, and assigned play. We change up enough things to keep their lives new and fun, frequenting the library and showing them movies they are finally old enough to enjoy (like "National Treasure," "The Princess Bride," "The Ten Commandments," "The Sound of Music"). We participate in holiday celebrations and take a lot of drives into the mountains. They play with the dogs and splash around outside. And I am teaching them to cook and clean, play piano and swim. They are making memories.

So yeah, they're doing great even if I feel like a bum and want to move on from this. But I have to remember that they were meant to be in this family and that if I'm meant to handle this life, by extension they are too.

So that's an update. It is what it is, and it's good enough. It has to be.

Stasis

I'm okay. I'm much better than I was a year ago, and better than the year before that. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my slowness. We are fine. I am happier than before but still feel anxious and dark at times. 

That's me. 

I finished the rife 45-day Lyme protocol as 2016 ended. I am not cured and well, and I thought I wouldn't be. But I did think I'd have more energy, optimism, and clarity. I thought I'd leap to seventy percent. 

But, you know, I'm not hooked to IV's, and I can do this from home. Bless. 

These are my thoughts. 

I don't think I am going to get better. I have improved, but I don't think I'm going to get back to one hundred percent function. I am too scarred. I have been severely ill for nine years. And I have reached an apex that will probably dip and plateau from here. I've reached stasis. It's a better place than it could be, and I am grateful. 

The objective is to survive until a cure is found or I have finished my work. For now, I can improve my quality of life...

...which is already pretty great. Just today, I soaked in the tub and thought, "Man, this is luxury. I have this house and my family and my dogs and warm, clean water, and I am so fortunate." So my ideas here are first-world myopic. 

1. I reduce stress. I do less and rest more. Seeing too much stuff in my home has always bothered me, so I'm getting rid of lot. A lot. My decluttering journey has been a continuous spiral toward just the right selection of items to serve our family, and each pass around the circle I understand better what is serving us and what is not. 

This doesn't just go for items: I constantly edit what I allow into my life. Anything unwelcomed is treated like junk mail--unapologetically chucked before it can enter my inner sanctum. 

2. I increase hygge--a Danish word describing a feeling of safety, coziness, and well-being. I relish good smells, soft fabrics, delicious food, living creatures, soft lighting, sparse furnishings, clear surfaces, and enjoyable books. We have more calm and seem to get out games to play as a family more often because of our desire for togetherness, and because of the spare orderliness that is beginning to allow this. I have more help with chores because we all want that good feeling that comes with a hyggelig home. 

3. I seek doable service. I dig my fingers into the incredible, arctic coats of my grateful dogs for a good scratch. I wave at the neighbors when I pick up the kids. I comment on Instagram and do my best in my calling. From these small things, I hope to roll forward--even if only with the momentum of stiff, cooling magma--toward my hope to pay forward the kindness that has been shown to me. 

Service can sometimes take my mind off of pervasive loneliness and mourning. Who can't smile when a dog is kicking its leg because you found THE sweet scratching spot?

I can think of a lot of things I'll probably never do, like run a marathon, get a PhD, or have more children. But I live a good life, a simple life, a small life. I didn't think that would happen to me, a small life. I planned to walk the whole world and be a big influencer in it. 

But maybe I'm meant to be the steady home base from which my family can leap. 

Rife and an Update

I am long overdue for an update, and a lot has changed!

I have read a lot of books. Here are the ones I have read but not reviewed.

36) Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
37) Doctrine and Covenants
38) Pearl of Great Price
39) The Sword of Summer (Magnus Chase) by Rick Riordan
40) Keturah and Lord Death by Martine Leavitt
41) A Grimm Warning (The Land of Stories) by Chris Colfer
42) Beyond the Kingdoms (The Land of Stories) by Chris Colfer
43) The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
44) Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Howard W. Hunter, published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
45) Cinder by Marissa Meyer

Ok, on to Lyme updates.

I told you that I quit treatment, right? It's been months and months. My husband was doing our taxes, and he quantified how much we had spent on healthcare in 2015. We were shocked, floored, maybe even devastated.

That was the last straw for me. My guts were worlds better than they had been when I started treatment, but nothing else had made that much money's worth of progress, and I was fed up. So I gradually took myself off of EVERYTHING I was taking except for the two cheap prescriptions. I got some salt lamps and bath bombs and a free library app. I determined to maintain myself through self care, etc. In the back of my mind, I knew there was one modality called rife with a rife practitioner that I had meant to try, but I didn't want to drop fifty dollars to try something that might not work. I was done.

I was content. We had modified our lives to my level of energy, and it was working. I still spent more time in bed than out, but I was okay. Our kids were happy. My husband was productive. I rarely had pain; I just had no energy. The summer heat made me really sick, but we had puppies the kids could play with all summer long.

After many months of doing well enough but not progressing, I heard my son praying one night. He asked Heavenly Father to help me feel better. I noticed he asked every night thereafter. The requests were specific to days and then events and then the entire month. This boy is endlessly patient with his slow mother, but I though that maybe I should try to step up my game to not just maintain myself, but maybe even improve. Maybe I should try to manifest some of his hopeful prayer.

An invitation to the state-wide Lyme support group meeting appeared in my email inbox, and it said someone would be demonstrating a rife machine. Rife--that thing I'd never tried. If I went, I could try it for free. So I drank some caffeine to get me there, and I went.

A man who had had Lyme showed us his machine and explained how he had been well for eight years, having used rife intensively for one year at the start plus a couple years of maintenance. Rife is a frequency generator, manifesting in radio and light waves, that can be tuned to different frequencies to heal or to kill, depending on the need. He demonstrated a couple healing channels on us, one for sleep and one for increasing energy. I was extremely sensitive to both. Then he put the machine on a kill channel for Lyme. I felt sick to my stomach and anxious, but it went away once the short cycle was over.

These energies don't care that Lyme spirochetes can manipulate their DNA to hide from the immune system or build biofilms to protect them or burrow deep into tissues where antibiotics can't find them. The right kill frequencies can find the spirochetes and blast them apart. Done. And all you have to do is clean up the mess and manifest exacerbated Lyme symptoms in a process called herxing. With time, these reactions lessen as there is less to clean up. Slam bam, thank you ma'am--you're on your way to wellness.

It took me two weeks to recover from this short demonstration. From what I remember, this manifested in migraines, severe gut pain, foggy brain, insomnia, mood issues, and involuntary bedrest. That's how badly I herxed.

Rife worked for me.

I decided to look up the rife person from my contacts that I'd managed to avoid for a year, and I made an appointment. The practitioner seemed nice at first, but she was so motivated by fear that she seemed impassioned about scolding and scaring me into submission with different treatments she recommended. Furthermore, she only scanned me for problems and didn't actually let me try their rife at all. I left, $250 poorer and frustrated. She tried to get me to come back in with a courtesy call, but it was barbed with warnings and expressions of doubt. I fired her services from my life.

I turned to my online support group to see if anyone knew of a practitioner in the area who could let me try rife again so I could decide whether to buy one. I expected an office situation, but a woman in the group reached out and said I could come to her house. When I arrived, she ran a cycle on me and another gal. We talked and found true empathy in each other. We discussed how our purpose is to survive until a cure is found. I went home comforted, but with a splitting migraine from the treatment. I felt terrible for a day, but then I had increased energy for about three days after that.

Miraculously, and in time, we were able to get a machine, and the woman who helped me in her home graciously answers any questions I have as they come up. I'm doing a 45-day treatment protocol which includes detoxifying foot baths using the machine, and overnight rife treatments that take about eight hours. I use the machine at least twice daily. It is busy, but far more comfortable than any treatment I've ever done. The machine is a miracle. It isn't just good for Lyme--it helped my son get over a fever last week. It has hundreds of channels that are being updated or added to every week. I'm so happy and impressed with this modality. I feel hope, like maybe my son's prayers for a healthy mom will be answered someday.

I'm only a week into my Rife program, but I feel a difference. I tried a self-designed program, but I herxed. The 45-day program doesn't make me react so severely, so I am actually functional at least part of every day--sometimes all day!!!

Further, I am exercising twice a week. I found an inexpensive pair of figure skates online, and I go to the ice skating rink to do laps and try new skills. The laps are my cardio; the skills build additional muscle. My rationale is that exercise adds muscle, which adds mitochondria and ATP, and therefore, it creates more energy for a fitter mom. As a dancer, I loved working my lower body and feeling those muscles burn, so skating is a thrill that way and also because the icy air that moves past me as I skate is exhilarating. I usually zone out and listen to an audio book while I glide along.

What inspired me to skate was the older gentleman I spied doing laps when I took my kids skating one day. Since then, he has actually skated alongside me and helped me with a skill I struggled with. The same people seem to come during the public skate hours I attend--students taking a class for university, the older gentleman, and some figure skaters with a coach in the middle of the rink who are actively training. I love going; it is such a joy. It's a miracle that I can endure some exercise.

That is a sufficient update for now. Let me know if you have questions. I struggle to explain rife, so try googling the nitty gritties of how it works. The machine was expensive, but only a small fraction compared to what we spent on healthcare in 2015. I feel tremendously blessed and hope this information can help you too.

Bags

I love bags. Maybe I need to start attending a twelve step program, because I am obsessed. All my life, I have loved bags. 

The first experience I remember with bags and containers was around age four. My mom gave me a blue-gray, plastic box with a handle. It snapped shut and held my dolly and all her necessities perfectly so I could take it with me to my friend's house. I still have and use that container. 

In sixth grade, I had a weirdly awesome language arts teacher with a M&Ms paraphernalia obsession displayed along one classroom wall. We did loooong units on random things, like frogs, the Iditarod, science fiction, and Savage Sam. One of our units was on bags of all things. We read about them. We designed them. We made art projects out of paper sacks. Oh, the joy! I was in heaven. I was about this age when I started carrying my spending money and a Chapstick in a little purse. Bags!

I come by this affinity for bags naturally. My dad loves to contain and organize his stuff. My mom has occasionally enjoyed finding the perfect purse over the years. And then there's me. I love all bags of every kind. If it contains stuff, I want to know about it. I have sewed many of my own designs over the years. I read reviews and specs of pre made items. I compare and imagine. What would be the best bag for backpacking Europe? How much should a carryon weigh? What safety features would you want in South America? Which kind of backpack straps are the most ergonomic? Are the zippers on that purse of the best quality?

The thing about bags that is so attractive to me is their potential and the sometimes subtle ways they are vital to our lives. Every hike I've taken has included a backpack with water in it. Every testimony-building experience I've had had included a scripture case. Every trip I've taken has involved a duffel or suitcase. Every mall outing has a purse or wallet involved. College was all about the books and work I lugged around in my backpack. Every outing ever with a baby included a diaper bag. And every grocery haul comes home in paper or plastic. 

Bags are sustenance and adventure and experiences and new ideas. Bags are magical. Bags matter. 

Hermione Granger had a purple, beaded bag with an undetectable extension charm during the Deathly Hallows. Mary Poppins used the same kind of magic on her own mysterious bag. Anne Shirley toted a carpet bag with a broken handle to her many new homes. Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman, cured folks out of her doctor's bag. These ladies are fictional, but I truly believe that a girl and her bag can change her world. Heck, Duchess Kate carries a clutch everywhere she goes, and she's real. 

I don't think I'm too weird for being obsessed about bags. It could be seeds, or computer parts, or carpentry. 

Nephi loved metallurgy. Notice how he admired his family's treasures, Laban's sword, the brass plates, and the Liahona. See how he had an extremely unusual bow--made of steel of all things. Do you know how hard it is to make something out of steel by hand? It's more than 24 hours of continuous pounding, and one single step at the end could shatter your work if you haven't done a good job. It is an art! Same with a single sword, and Nephi made swords like Laban's for his people. He asked where to find ore when commanded to build a ship. He fashioned plates out of metal to write upon. There are no shortcuts for this man! It's all about the metals. He loves them, and they changed his world and ours. To this day, unusual metal craft is found all over North and South America. 

I'm that way with bags, though my influence will not be felt like Nephi's. If I'd written the scriptures though, I would have noted the stitching and fabrics and cubic liters and pockets of bags. Did the women sling babies across them? Did the plates go in a camel skin lumbar pack with security features? 

I've often fantasized about getting to be around new bags for my work. Companies could send me their bags for review. I could start a YouTube channel for bag enthusiasts like me and show people bags. The joy of unzipping pockets! The thrill of sweet features! Id beam. I'd be delighted. It wouldn't even be work; it would be sheer glee. BAGS!

I just love bags, no apologies. And even though they aren't life, they matter because they go places and haul stuff. They silently serve all their days. Bags rock. Bags are my bag!

Book Reviews 2016: 21-25

Lies! I told you I wouldn't read until my nursing credits were done. Baloney, I guess. 

These books slid down without a hitch, like ice cream on a Sunday night. I especially enjoyed the mindlessness of number 24. 

Sometime, I'll give you a update on me; but for now, I'll just say I'm overall happier and better than I was a couple months ago. 

21) Healing from the Heart: The Inherent Power to Heal from Within (book and two CDs) by Judith S. Moore

This system is brilliant. It was homework for a physical and emotional wellness class I'm taking. I loved it!

I've told you several times I struggle getting through books with no plot. Well, this is a Christian-based self-help-type book...but it's two parallel stories! No bullet points, no lists, no subtitles, no boring stuff! It's a liiiiiittle on the cheesy side sometimes, but many things are better with cheese. Wouldn't you agree? Eat it. 

We meet chronically-ill Anne who is being taken care of by "Grandmother." Meanwhile, Grandmother tells Anne Native American stories about Running Wolf, a boy with a lame leg who seeks inner peace and great wisdom. 

There are six chapters. Each updates us on Anne's healing and improved perspective, tells us about Running Wolf's self-discovery and adventures, and has an accompanying track on a CD. The CDs contain meditations and guided imagery. It's a little fringey, and therefore right up my alley. They are relaxing and healing. I kept grasping bits of sageness, not really understanding how I was even recognizing and subconsciously incorporating them. It feels deliberate, but there is a passive, painless healing that happens. It sounds hokey, but it works for me. It's gentle and slow, like a loving grandmother. It got right in my heart and rooted out darkness, replacing it with light. 

Marie Osmond wrote the foreword for this book and used it for healing her own heart. She listened to the fourth chapter's track over and over again, for example. That's one great thing about the CDs: you can cycle through the "Dream Picture" you need as many times as you need. I've had pricey counseling sessions that are less effective than these tracks. While it won't fix everything all at once, the feelings will be a bit more manageable with every round of spiraling out of it. And eventually, it's small, and you're somehow okay. 

I feel greater peace having been gently and lovingly counseled by Grandmother. It is beautifully written and a book for the ages. This book is a gem. Five stars!

22) Soundless by Richelle Mead

I totally judged this book by its cover. It's gorgeous! I passed this book over and over in stores, thinking, "Ugh, if I didn't have so many books in the queue, I'd totally get this." Then one day, I saw it on discount in "lé Walmart" (makes me feel so classy), so I grabbed it faster than a baby grabs at a pristine, frosted cake, and it became mine. 

Soundless. 

High atop a cliffed mountain, a village of miners lives entirely dependent on the valley below for its food. Each day, the villagers send precious metals down a zip line; and each day, the mysterious line keeper below sends as much food as he thinks the village deserves. But it's never enough; excess is the stuff of legends. 

Fei and her sister are deaf, just like the rest of the village. The people went deaf several generations before, and now, many are beginning to go blind and are forced to become starving beggars. As Fei begins to contemplate the reason why, she miraculously begins to hear again. Will the village be accepting of her ability? Will Fei be able to feed the village and stop the blindness? A fantastic adventure awaits!

This book is a really fun story. It made me think differently and used really intricate language sometimes, which I enjoyed. Also, the concept was intriguing. Finally, it takes place in some place like China, so I was able to go on a brief, imaginary holiday to the place, all while reading at a middle-grade level. 

Unfortunately, I "edited" the entire book. Sometimes when you have authored a novel, you start looking for the next device that will move the story along. I found myself thinking, "We need more information or a guide here. Enter a new character? Well, how convenient." The layout felt classic, but it had so many intriguing concepts that I stayed interested to the end. Fifty-five pages from the finale, I couldn't predict what was going to happen. So even though I "edited" a lot, it still contained quite a bit of genius, and I recommend it. 

For innovation, a beautiful cover (it matters this time!), and a great story, I give this book a hearty 3.5 stars. 

23) Year of Wonders: A Novel of the Plague by Geraldine Brooks

This book is as uplifting as it sounds. The title references the plague ("The Black Death") that ravaged England in 1666, and a phrase spoken by Jehovah in the Bible preceding the very first plague in recorded human history, sent by Moses to Pharaoh of Egypt. 

The author wrote this historical fiction novel based on research she found in the town of Eyams, Derbyshire, England, or "Plague Village" as it was known. Anna, a common woman made heroic through extremity and scarcity, describes in first-person reflection the horrors of the plague that riddled her village of about 330 people. By the end, she has transcended roles in the Restoration period of England, having achieved a new confidence. 

The book is told from near the end at first, then reflects backward a year or so and moves forward. We get to know members of the town as Anna observes the basest and noblest of human behaviors. Puritan liturgy influences the town toward black-and-white thinking (though the new clergyman is vastly liberal comparatively), and we see witch hunting a good thirty years before Salem. So THAT'S fun. So many times I wanted to rescue wives and children from abusive situations and give women a rallying, feminist speech for the time. But Anna is good at keeping it together despite the pain of daily living and finds personal gifts she didn't know she had. I like her resilience. 

I loved this novel for nearly a hundred pages. Then my affection waned with each disturbing image. These were dark, dark times. There were so many ferociously off-color bits that are now lodged in my visualization. If I wasn't a nurse and had the stomach of an iron cauldron, I wouldn't have withstood the gore (and it wasn't all medical). So I digested the book as quickly as I could to get the bitter taste out of my system. Perhaps I would have quit partway if it hadn't been a book club selection, but I wanted to know what would happen. The story had a good arc, and I loved the diction and that my understanding grew. The writing felt archaic yet accessible. It will be an interesting discussion. 

I pray humans will not have to endure such depravity, ignorance, isolation, and superstition from a plague ever again. 2.5 stars for graphic writing and subject matter--this one hit me hard. (It doesn't help that I'm something of a germophobe.) 

24) Brunette Ambition by Lea Michele

I would be a women's lifestyle magazine monger is it weren't for all the ads, skimpy pictures, and things I just don't care about. I do enjoy how-to lists and healthy recipes and reading about fashion trends. Reading laudable articles about my favorite celebrities is really fun too. 

So when I learned that Broadway and TV star Lea Michele had written her own lifestyle how-to book (albeit a few years old), I was excited to see what she had to say. Lea touches on many topics in the book, from her at-home exercise routine to a luxurious spa day using kitchen ingredients to two-day meal plan with recipes. She talks about her simple wardrobe, the value of friendship, tasteful makeup looks, and hair care. I ate it up in just a couple of reading sessions. 

But before all that tiptastic stuff, I got to know Lea better in the book through her retelling of her personal life before Broadway and the lessons she has learned through her career, like professionalism, being amiable, learning all you can from mentors, etc. I can tell this book was aimed at teenagers because of her fan base and the generic, benign advice, but I really liked it anyway. I flicked through the pages aimlessly devouring instructions for DIY exfoliating scrubs and learning that a good rule of thumb is to have classic clothes and trendy accessories. I won't live out all of her opinions, but I have already given myself a spa morning and evaluated my lipsticks. 

Even though Lea sounds down-to-earth, and I like a lot of her ideas, she and I are quite different. Lea is a self-proclaimed "Broadway diva" (which has positive connotations in New York), and she has people: a personal trainer, hair and makeup artists, a stylist, and a tailor. Also, she is unattached and doing okay in the green department. I can't decide on a whim to spend a weekend at a spa with my girlfriends or fly to New York. But it's cool. I don't mind reading about her world for a short time. It's just that this book isn't going to be 100% relatable to very many people. 

Still, it's flippantly mindless and delightfully so. I'm giving it five stars for the extended faux magazine fix!

25) Where'd You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple

This book was recommended to me by a friend, and I give it four stars (swearing). It is a novel told in a compilations of emails, notes, letters, faxes, an emergency room bill, and more. Sometimes it is narrated by a teenage girl whose mother (Bernadette) has gone missing. 

I grew the most tense two-thirds of the way through the book when the plot got messy (i.e. unraveled and required massive resolution). Usually this happens for me one-third of the way through. But I enjoyed the uncharacteristic pace and formatting because it kept things so interesting for me. The characters are fascinating, and I wish I could explicate here some of my thoughts on some of them, especially Bernadette who taught me that artists mustn't be suppressed. I identify with her struggle to only do what she thinks she's supposed to do because of fear, rather than to do the things she is passionate about. It makes me wonder if many people do the same, and what kinds of problems develop from it. 

This book has made me think, and so I continue to enjoy it. (Thanks for the recommendation, friend!)

Sent from my iPhone

Bees, Seeds, and Hope

Spring is a busy season. Our lives are feeling more full as we move to the outdoors for more stimulation and responsibility.

But this year is different. We have the regular chores of getting our vast garden going. But we are also adding a lot to our homestead: a fence for our backyard, a thousand bees, and the near-dozen puppies our dog is due to have within the week.

The bees were a surprise. Long have we hoped for a beehive of our very own. Bees bopping on plants is such a heartwarming site for me. Plus I like to save the planet sometimes, and the world needs bees. But we've had a wasp problem the past couple years and felt we needed to get that under control before we got a beehive.

My husband's dad and sister are both experienced beekeepers. His sister's hive split when a new queen emerged unexpectedly, and the other queen and her swarm was evicted. My husband's sister gathered the swarm and put it in a hive, realizing they were meant for another home: ours. We are so grateful for her insight and thoughtfulness! It is really fun to have bees moving and grooving on the corner of our property.

Bees keep to themselves. They fly high above the hive, then take off for their routes. Same goes for their return. We live in a neighborhood, but the bees don't bug anybody. I see a flurry of them outside the entrance of the hive, but that is the most I see. They have a job to do, and we are just happy they don't mind living with us.

The beekeepers in our family talk often about the parallels between beekeeping and life. I remember a talk M. Russell Ballard gave about bees and their indispensable industry. Bees are really inspiring!

But for me, I think of how hosting a swarm is kind of effortless at the start--at least it has been for me. I think we just need to keep their water filled for now and let them do their job. They'll work their tails off for one-eighth of a teaspoon honey production each, and we will get POUNDS of honey in the end. Plus more bees for the world.

I was just reading Alma 32, where Alma likens faith to a seed. We are planting the remainder of our garden and also a few bushes today, so these agricultural metaphors are really on my mind. Alma says to "exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you..." (Alma 32:27). "...looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.

"And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

"Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you" (vs 41-43).

Heavenly Father is really good at building our capacity over time. I feel like some seeds I planted in my heart many months ago are out of the vulnerable seedling stage and are finally thinking about thriving--like optimism, hope, faith. But I had to plant those seeds. That's the rub, isn't it? You have to plant them, and that is a conscious choice.

As I push actual seeds into the ground today, I'll be thinking of everything these seeds can become. I'll be chopping herbs for our dinner. I'll drive up to my house and see cheerful marigold balls on lush green stems greeting me like they do every year. I'll walk about my garden in July and thank everyone for thriving in the heat. I'll be feeling the crisp October morning air as I pick the pumpkins. And when we clear it all away after the first frost, I won't be able to believe this ground was once so sparsely vegetated. All winter I'll eat squash and green beans and corn--still thankful for the harvest.

In my heart, I felt the gripping indecision of whether or not to treat myself a month ago. When my Lyme numbers came back as high as ever, I didn't know what to do. But I chose nothing, at least for awhile. This period of rest has allowed me to observe the tentative seeds I'm always planting instead of mowing them down to make room for worry and fear. Now that things are looking lush, I like my garden the way it is--deliberate and sturdy and quaint.

I believe in my seeds, in my bees, and in my garden. I'm saving the planet of my soul and looking forward to its harvest. The garden of my soul is more beautiful to look upon with seedlings of love instead of thorns of fear.



Thank you for reading today. I have turned more often to podcasting because of its ease instead of blogging--about Lyme, life, and happenings. If you want to take a listen, go to tawnytuppence.podbean.com or find me on the free Podbean app.

Book Reviews 2016: 16-20

16) Pope Joan by Donna Woodfolk Cross

Pope Joan is an awesome book, and I gave it four stars. It is a historical fiction novel based on research of the fabled ninth-century female pope. I love when authors do a lot of work to make historical fiction as accurate as possible, and this is one of those kinds of books for me. 

This book follows a brilliant, multilingual girl through her life as she defies gender expectations, disguises herself for safety as a man, and rather passively rises to the position of pope. Yeah, like THE pope. The story felt mostly plausible and was full of intrigue. I really enjoyed it. 

This time in history was so weird. Europe was one country. Christianity existed (though I have NO IDEA how--truly a miracle). People still spoke Latin, which is now a dead language. Some people lived in tribal settings, and Rome was falling apart. I enjoyed placing myself in the midst of these peoples and appreciating their everyday struggles for just a time. 

I think the thematically-worst scene of the book involves an observed pillage and rape (ugh). The rest is pretty tame, but it is the darkest of the dark ages. 

This was a book club selection, but it was on my list anyway. I'm planning on keeping it around. My edition has fascinating research notes in the back. I like to think Pope Joan was a real person because legends start somewhere. I did a research paper once on Robin Hood and concluded that someone like him really did live. Likewise, even though the Catholic church has done its best to blot Joan out, there are many other documents supporting her existence. 

Either way, it's nice to think that Joan's legend may have inspired other women to transcend the female fate expected of them by oppressive societies. Go Joan! 

17) We Should Hang Out Sometime by Josh Sundquist

This book is written by the same author as Just Don't Fall, which I have already reviewed. Josh decided to set up a formal retrospective investigation involving all the girls he ever dated...because obviously that's the normal thing to do. It makes for great entertainment though. This process was used in order to scientifically deduce whether there was something askew about him that caused him to still be without a girlfriend into his twenties. 

In a series of entertaining-to-hilarious stories, hand-drawn graphs and diagrams, and scientific analysis, each relationship is recounted and examined. The end conclusion to Josh's problem was a revelation that made me think about crying, in a good way (and I am not an easy crier). 

This book isn't going on my favorites shelf, but it was still fun. Three stars. 

18) Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh

This book IS going on my favorites shelf. It has some swearing, like, kind of a lot of it (take off two stars). But I have not laughed so hard in...I don't know how long (add one star). Maybe I'll go through it with a sharpie one day when I care more. 

I think this would be classified as a graphic novel because it is made of both paragraphs and cartoon illustrations by the author. In that case, it's my first graphic novel I've ever read! Though they look roughly and haphazardly sketched, the pictures are meticulously crafted for maximum effect, capturing complex emotions that can never be conveyed in words. They. Are. So. Funny. You. Will. Cramp. 

The book is made of a bunch of blog posts the author wrote; I recognized a couple that I read a few years ago. The author talks about her dogs' mental problems in detail; a horrifying run-in with a goose; what depression feels like (not hilarious, but extremely accurate!); how she tricks herself into thinking she is a good, not-selfish, planet-saving person, even though she proves she's not; and a lot of other hilarious accounts. 

It killed me. I literally gasped and shouted to my husband as a shapeless, quivering blob from the couch while I was reading the chapter on fundamental concepts her dogs don't understand--"This book is literally killing me!" He cooed back to me, "Aw, you're so cute when you laugh." I kept reading even though it medically unsafe because the endorphin releases outweighed the implosions in my lungs...and my boo thought I was cute. :P

When I read the blog years ago, I imagined that the author was a hunched, emo college student with a pile of empty pizza boxes as a desk. But she is actually more of the over-caffeinated, perky, blond cheerleader type. Somehow, this makes her more relatable to me? Like, it shows you can look positive on the outside but still hide behind a blanket from a goose or hate all the things during depression or want to throw sand in faces for no explicable reason?

I think I'll sleep with this book tonight. It gets me. Thank you, Allie Brosh. ("Clean all the things?")

19) The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork

A note on the cover of this book indicates that it has the potential save lives, and I believe this true. From the protagonist's progress to the list of hotline information in the back, this book drips with subtle, believable hope for people with mental illness. 

This is a young adult fiction novel about Vicky, a teen who awakens in the hospital after attempting to take her own life with medication. She is admitted to the mental health unit where she meets a very caring doctor and other teens with mental health challenges. Vicky goes through a lot of growth and self-discovery and is able to eventually emerge from the depression fog that led to her drastic event, while saving other lives, finding her voice, and grasping purpose for living. 

I felt like this was a realistic and uplifting read. There were several points that really spoke to me. For example, I really appreciated how one character found out three things Vicky liked, and he pointed out that those are three things to live for. Who would think of that? That something as simple as gardening roses could keep a person going? Is life really so mundane and simple? Perhaps. I appreciated also the value of menial labor (we need more of this), family support, and space to heal. 

This is a book I would hand to a friend who is struggling if I was as brave as Vicky. For now, it's going on my favorites shelf. Five stars for accuracy and greatness.

20) Choosing Glee by Jenna Ushkowitz 

What a fun book! I read this book in an evening and felt fantastic afterward. Jenna worked on Broadway, then on network TV. She is full of pep and hopes we find our own "personal brand of happiness" through her ideas in this book. It holds such a positive vibe with its bright colors, tips, and anecdotes. So many points resonated for me. 

I recommend especially for fans of Glee since it was written around the context of wrapping-up of the third-ish season. (Confession: I LOVE a lot of the Glee music.) There are lots of photos included. Note that Jenna swears sometimes, meep. 

Here are a few quotes I liked. 

"Hope is chasing your dreams and standing up for your beliefs." p. 21

"...my differences really did turn out to be my greatest advantages." p. 139

"Becoming an adult is realizing that you don't have all the same beliefs as your family and friends, and that's okay. You have that right. I used to be scared of being 'wrong.' Now I own my thoughts and opinions..." p. 152

And that's a wrap, my friends. I still have 32 books to go, but I committed to myself that I would work on my continuing education nursing credits for a little while after I finished my twentieth book. We'll see how long I hold out, because I may or may not have begun three books just for a taste between the subtitles in one of the articles...