Candor

I think this post won't be uplifting. Well...maybe at the end it is. It's a post of facts and current events. 

I've had such a hard few days. I'm not being a pessimist here, but I know the next few days (like, ten?) will get gradually worse. As my month ends, I get more inflamed; my head also becomes alarmingly more disjointed. It's scary. But I survive every time; this time will be no different. The pattern has been so for a few years. 

Today was my weekly day "out." Here's what I did. 

-Doctor appointment...productive, but sobering and emotionally draining

-Bee venom injections in the back

-Bought, like, seven bottles of pills (have been running low or without)

-IVs: ozone, Myers, PK, glutathione

-Paid a boatload of money

-Zoned by my friend. She said my body is struggling way more than usual, especially my brain, liver, and duodenum (I can tell)

That's a lot of stuff for me, FYI. I'll get my antibiotic IV tonight. I have a few prescriptions to fill. 

This regimen is tough. To repeat it, twice as hard and with even more stuff, is burdensome. I'm starting to feel like death again. I'm going through the stages of grief again. I feel like I have the worst cold ever, but without drainage and hacking, and with gut and joint pain and a pained, foggy brain. There is lead in every muscle cell, so it's hard to move. 

It's just not a fun time. I think I knew this was coming, but last week was pretty good. I thought I'd dodged calamity. It's catching up to me more now. 

But there are things to look forward to:

-Reading Four by Veronica Roth

-Pajamas all day and all night

-The Cosby Show reruns on DVD

-Zoning out emotionally over the next few days. (I have to, or I'll crumble.)

-Out-of-state family coming into town 

Stuff I currently love:

-The assorted, fluorescent daisies my visiting teacher's preschool-aged daughter picked out for me that are still alive and drinking water after two or three weeks

-The framed "Choose Joy" picture that my Relief Society president gave me and is displayed by the flowers

-Leftovers from meals our thoughtful friend and our moms brought us

-The scriptures, books, Redbox, Netflix

-Submitting, accepting, and not fighting the way I feel

-Spring blossoms EVERYWHERE on the trees and in our flower garden

Things are ok. I'll just keep hanging on, I guess. 

The Most-Forgotten Commandment

"The Savior summarized the Ten Commandments in two principles—love for the Lord and love for our fellow men: 

"'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself' (Matthew 22:37–39)."*

How many parties are involved? I count three: God, my neighbor, and myself. I guess loving myself is pretty important too (more on this later). 

With Jesus' "summary" in mind, read the Ten Commandments as listed in Exodus 20.

  1 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

  2 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. 

  3 Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. 

  4 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

  5 Honour thy father and thy mother. 

  6 Thou shalt not kill.

  7 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

  8 Thou shalt not steal.

  9 Thou shalt not bear false witness.

10 Thou shalt not covet.

When the Ten Commandments were given, it was a BIG deal. "All the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off" (Exodus 20:18). 

We still live by these commandments today because they are "eternal gospel principles that are necessary for our exaltation."* For a brief read on each, I recommend the link down below for interesting insights (for example, honoring our father and mother includes honoring our Heavenly Parents). 

Let's get to that forgotten commandment. As you read through the list, were there any you glossed over because you're totally keeping it or don't know what it means? 

For me, and maybe for lots of us, it's the last one. Thou shalt not covet. Maybe we're too tired of reading commandments by the time we get to the last one, and we overlook it. 

I grew up thinking that coveting meant you wanted your neighbor's car, for example, SO badly that you acted on it and stole it. Coveting required jealousy toward other people plus an action. But actually, coveting is much simpler than all of this. 

Coveting is wanting something you don't have. 

The Bible refers to other people's property, but I submit that we covet more than that. We can be jealous and covet the person we want to be. Examples: we may want to be in a different financial situation, to be done with school already, to control our environment, to get a promotion at work, to secure lasting relationships that do not yet exist, or to have a different body. For me (among many things I'm sure), I wanted my health and vitality back so I could get the heck ON with my life and have that "quiver full" of children I always wanted, etc.

But if there is anything I've learned from the last few years, it's that we can't control everything...or maybe even anything. If we go on wishing for things or circumstances to be just the way we want them, we'll be miserable little people!

True to the Faith summarizes this idea so nicely. (I underlined for emphasis). 

"Coveting, or envying something that belongs to another, is damaging to the soul. It can consume our thoughts and plague us with constant unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It often leads to other sins and to financial indebtedness." *

Hmm. Other sins... Envy? Greed? Pride? Being controlling? Being unsatisfied? Wanting more? Thinking I know better than God? I've been there and done all that, people, and hopefully I'm growing out of it.

Sometimes childish statements grow up with us and become our anthems even though we're (mortal) adults already:

I want that toy. 

I want to win. 

I want to be first. 

I want to be bigger and stronger. 

I want to make me happy. 

I want things my way. 

I want it now. 

Perhaps learning not to covet helps us to extinguish some of the selfish childishness within us. (Jesus wants us to be child-LIKE. That's different.) 

Certainly, not coveting gives us more satisfaction, gratitude, maturity, and peace. We are happy with who we are when we do not covet. That helps us develop self-love I spoke of earlier. I'm still guilty of coveting sometimes, but NOT coveting helps me to think in a different way...maybe something like:

"I love the life God has given me. I love my two children. I love my limitations. I love the surprises in the form of lessons my Father is giving to me. I love how perfectly He tends to me and knows my needs better than I do. I love that He loves and trusts me enough to let me suffer so I can grow. I love the person I am today. I love basking the light of God's love."

We are all just children, and our loving Father loves us and knows what we need. If we are open to the gifts He has for us (many times disguised as challenges or trials), I think we recognize them easier and can love them sooner. The more I accept this, the happier I am. 

 

* Source: True to the Faith: "Ten Commandments," https://www.lds.org/topics/ten-commandments?lang=eng

Learning to Receive

I might say I was a powerful person, always on "the fast track," before illness set in. I was a great dancer and student; childbearing mother and homemaker; and then mother of two, AND full-time working nurse, AND part-time dancer, to top it off!

To go from being physically and mentally powerful to becoming mostly bed-bound was a slow decline. Over time, I have become more and more dependent on others for help. This has conflicted greatly with my personal, fast-track moral code. 

I read an article about learning to receive a long time ago. The biggest thing that hit me was to stop keeping score. There is no way to repay voluntary service that comes from the heart. It's too stressful to keep a tally and try to make up for it, even though it rips at me to accept that (I'll explain). I'm so far in the hole service-wise, that all I can do is show love whenever and however I can. And just so you know, I genuinely feel overwhelmed with gratitude with every gesture--every kind word, card, text, gift, hug, real look in the eyes--it's all internalized by me and warms my heart. Thank you. 

"We are all just walking each other home." I'm a wife, mom, nurse, big sister, and caregiver in so many ways, but maybe it's ok if I am helped along instead of helping others all the time. 

I had an interesting talk with my doctor about learning to receive. I was worried about my sweetheart--how he's both mom and dad in a lot of ways, and the sole provider, and my caregiver and sounding board in addition to being my husband. I expressed concern about all the weight on him and hoping it doesn't affect him negatively. 

A lot went into this conversation, but this is the part I want to share. 

My doctor asked me to think of our feelings. What were our hearts telling each other? 

His expressed joy and eagerness in being able to help me. Mine expressed gratitude, but also regret that I had put him in this position of working so hard without being able to help him. 

"Now put Jesus in his place," my doctor said. "Do you feel the same way?"

I embraced Jesus in my mind. We connected hearts. I had to think and feel for a moment before I answered. 

"I don't feel the same way," I said, "because He wants to help. He loves me and has already has done everything to help me; I just need to accept it. I would be rejecting Him and the gift of His Atonement to carry me if I didn't allow Him to help me."

The thought resonated in the air for a few seconds. 

"Do you think," my doctor quietly asked, "that maybe your husband, and some of the people who help you, have hearts like Jesus'?"

Boom. Clarity. 

Of course they do. 

Of course they do!

Why, in my pride, would I reject the gifts of others in my heart when they come from Christlike character, when they are His angels on earth? Why wouldn't I accept that? I tell myself I am not worthy of care and that I should be able to make it all on my own. That's a lie!

Receiving service allows us to receive the Savior and His gifts through the hands of His earthly angels. 

Giving service allows us to internalize the Savior's love for God's children by feeling His charity and giving it to others. 

We can't make out our own salvation. We are dependent, forever in debt to Jesus Christ. I believe He wants us to receive Him, and gifts from Him that are given to us in any way, even acts of charity from others. 

It is getting easier to receive because I see the Christlike hearts inside the people who reach out to me. I want to accept Jesus' love in whatever way He wants to give it. I am worthy of His care. 

And so are YOU. 

So many of you have especially reached out to me. I started a list, but got overwhelmed, and realized I was keeping tally again. 

Thank you so much for your Christlike hearts. I love you so much. 

My Second PICC Line

Got 'er done!

It was easy breezy, except when the line briefly took a wrong turn and headed toward my neck. I tucked my chin and told my vessels to guide it where it needed to go, and it did arrived in my superior vena cava (SVC) without much fuss.

This PICC line is in my dominant arm and will be sore for a few days like last time. I REALLY thought it would be cool to have two "eyeball" scars on the same arm, but the nurse insisted we give my left arm a break. I guess the eyeball scars will have to stare at each other from across the way. 

Once, the nurse told me I had great skin turgor. I told her, "Thank you! I've always prided myself on my turgor." (It's the best and oddest compliment I've received in awhile. I liked it. We laughed. :)

My husband got to assist. He was very capable and was even (jokingly) offered a job on the spot by the nurse who placed this PICC. She is the department manager and has the right to do that sort of thing!

My prizes at the end (besides my fantastic new upper arm accessory) were two pairs of unused clamps and scissors, a new stockinette (with the green stripe), and a new shower cover for my arm. Those kinds of things should go in adult happy meals, you know?! First aid supplies in happy meals--I smell a winner. 

Things are just swell. Everything is as it should be. 

Great Weekend!

I know you have better uses for your time than reading about the details of my life. But I just want you to know, great days happen for me! Heavenly Father gives me clarity and drive some days to do what would otherwise be impossible, or detrimental. 

But guys, this was a great weekend! He blessed me so much to accomplish things that would make home a more healing place for me before I'm kind of laid up in the coming months. Thank Thee, Father!

On Saturday, I took my time getting up, but once I was up, I was moving and grooving (mostly in a chair) until midnight. It felt awful, but the satisfying rush of accomplishment trumped the faint, sickening feelings as we ruthlessly purged our closet and put through a few loads of laundry. More than anything, I needed results, and together, we achieved them. Meanwhile, our children played and played and played. Nothing wrong with that!

We had Paleo chicken pot pie for dinner; my mom made it for us after reading my Pi Day rant earlier that day. (*meeep*) Thanks Mom! 

My extended family is appreciating the merit and tastiness of Paleo cooking--yay!

My husband worked a little, but spent most of the day being my reacher and lifter and honey-doer. We got so much done together. SO MICH!!! With our vision and his efficiency, we made our home more pleasant to live in! That's going to make a big difference for me in the coming weeks since I'll continue to be home a lot. 

We went to bed laughing over something silly my taller half had said. Sometimes we go to bed laughing, and last night was one of those nights. Going to bed laughing is a good thing, and too rare for me the last several months! This was a great end to our day. I'm so GRATEFUL we got to spend it together. 

Today I felt like we were all well-dressed for church, and it made a difference. Mentally, I was put together. It felt good to be in our Sunday best instead of just throwing stuff together. Since our closet was pared down, it was easy to see what we had! 

My husband has owned one suit for all our eight years of marriage, and it gave up the ghost last fall. He has been improvising ever since with slacks and sweaters. But a few weeks ago, we got him two snazzy suits. Today he wore his delicious new "shark suit" with an orange tie. He looks positively fierce to me--whew! I wore a pleated, polka dot skirt I found at the thrift store. It's 100% polyester and looks like it belonged to an old lady before it was mine, but I LOVE the polka dots and the way it swishes. The polyester keeps it colorfast and a dreamy texture. 

My children looked cuter than Jane and Michael Banks, with my daughter in her frilly, bright pink dress and my son in his snazzy, navy suit. I love those guys. Give your mother a kiss--mmmuah!

Church itself was so spiritually saturated for me. I could hardly take it all in! I took so many notes to ponder on this week. I. Loved. It. I love church. I NEED it. We can endure to the end seven days at a time, people. Just make it to the next Sacrament Meeting, and you'll be a new person, born again, clean as a whistle! Don't think of enduring decades--just make it to Sunday! (Like that? Read Brad Wilcox's The Continuous Atonement.)

After church I played my guitar for few minutes and tweaked the lyrics to a song I've been working on. Then I finally rested my body in the recliner and enjoyed watching my husband make Paleo chocolate chip cookies--and also our whole family snitch some while they were still warm. :) Seeing my sweetheart in the kitchen, wearing an orange tie and apron--woooo-ee! That makes my heart go pitter-patter if you know what I mean! I had to take a picture so I could keep cherishing this memory. 

We went to our extended family dinner. I had my husband show his new shark suit to everyone because he just looked so nice. We ate abundantly and well. It was my first big meal since my pain attack last Tuesday, and it felt AMAZING to get full and not have a problem afterwards. We topped off the meal with dessert--cookies! The Paleo cookies were a hit! (Want the recipe? Looks for "Real Deal Chocolate Chip Cookies" on the Against All Grain website. We use Enjoy Life semisweet Megachunks--because chocolate should come in chunks, wouldn't you agree?)

My sweetheart had me play the song for everyone on my guitar, and I botched it BADLY with all the new changes I'd made and not being warmed up at all. But once things were quiet, I sang it again and had my husband and father-in-law sing some harmonizing parts to the chorus. It was wonderful. 

I loved sharing this song that was given to me by heaven in the night, and having other people internalize it and feel it with me. What joy! Every other song I've helped bring into this world was from heaven too. I'd suddenly remember it from a forgotten time before earth, pen it, and play it. It's all Heavenly Father. My husband appreciates these songs because he loves me, but it was nice to have more than my solitary voice participate in this heavenly gift of this particular song tonight.  

Our kids played with aunts, uncles, and cousins; they get tons of attention and feel like a million bucks around our big family. We adults connected through visiting. It was beautiful and awesome. 

When we got home, my children asked me to sing them Ricky Gervais's "Celebrity Lullaby," and I said I would if they were ready for bed in five minutes. They each prayed, then got "serenaded" by me and my guitar. There were giggles all around. I like sending my children to bed laughing too when I can. (Don't know what lullaby I'm talking about? Look the video up on YouTube. It's worth the watch! The guitar chords are Am, F, C, G.)

This was about the most perfect weekend I could have right now. No, it was better! Heavenly Father gives me boosts just at the right times, like the water stations along a marathon route. I'm about to ascend a challenging climb, and I don't know when the next rest stop will be, so I cherish days like these!!! Tomorrow I will get a PICC line placed and start my new antibiotic regimen. It'll be a challenge. But I have the Messiah Series to watch, my friend is letting me borrow seasons of the Cosby Show, and my coloring books will arrive soon. I have a beautiful bunch of fluorescent daisies to look at from my visiting teacher (her little girl chose them:). People keep leaving love notes on my door and in the mail, and I collect and read over each one when I need a lift. Things are really grand and okay. I am grateful!

Thank Thee Heavenly Father for giving me positivity and a happy weekend. Thank Thee for knowing what I need. I am so, so grateful!

Pi Day 2015

Today is "Pi Day," a day when number enthusiasts worldwide celebrate the number 3.141592653... and eat pie.

Today is especially exciting for said number enthusiasts because the date is 3/14/15, and at 9:26:53 they experienced centennial, mathematical ecstasy. 

I used to be a number enthusiast (I'm using that term instead of 'nerd') who ate pie on Pi Day. But now food holidays are a bother. All day, I'm averting my eyes from reminders of food I used to eat. 

If I had energy to cook, then maybe I would make me a Paleo pie and join in the circular celebrations of today...or even food aspects of other holidays. 

I feel like Esqueleto in "Nacho Libre" when he says, "I hate orphans! I hate them! I hate all the orphans in the whole world!" It's preposterous! Not to like the food parts of Pi Day, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas?! I'm a fuddy duddy. 

Luckily, Esqueleto changes his mind by the end of the movie. "I like them," he smiles. 

Hopefully, someday my guts will chill out, and I'll be able to say that about food-centered holidays too: "I like them."

New Treatment Plan!

After being off of IV antibiotics for two months, my Lyme numbers increased a bunch (from 94 to 141; negative for Lyme is <17). Other labs show that my immune system is functioning now--wahoo! 

This was a good trial period without antibiotics to see if they helped and if the immune support measures of bee venom, supplementation, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy worked. 

I was optimistic. Admittedly, this regression surprised me. I cried a little at the news. I thought my numbers would be down and the Lyme would be dying off, but since I have felt a bit worse with each passing day, I guess this all makes sense. I'm glad to know I not just "weak sauce." Now we know a bit more about my Lyme's resiliency. The first round didn't take, so we'll have another go. Them are hearty critters. 

In the last couple days, I have made multiple phone calls to:

IV therapy

The hospital's billing department

My health insurance

My Homecare company

Homecare infusion pharmacy

My doctor's office

My regular pharmacy

Now I know one reason why I'm a nurse. I feel like I'm a homecare case manager again, but this time, for myself. Oh, what a high maintenance patient am I! But not by choice! Doctor's orders, you know!

So I'm starting back onto IV antibiotics again next week (with a new PICC line...hhhhhhhh). We're doubling the frequency and keeping on the highest doses we did last time, rotating through four antibiotics week to week. Luckily, since I'm a nurse (and was even a home health nurse), I can sidestep being taught IV administration, have supplies delivered to my house weekly, and administer the IV antibiotics to myself at home four days a week. One day a week, I'll (be driven) to my doctor's IV center and have vitamins and minerals and ozone administered. That's five days of IV therapy per week, ba-BAM. 

In addition, I will continue supplementation and bee venom injections. I may start doing bee venom injections on my own at home as well. Extra funnnn... 

Quick tangent: heres a fun fact. Shots don't hurt. It's the stuff inside them that hurts. Each serum has its own properties. That's why a flu shot doesn't hurt at first but gives you a characteristic ache for a couple days. That's why rocephin in the bum feels like peanut butter being injected through a dull, square needle (¡AAAAII MUCHACHA!). That's why lidocaine stings at first, then numbs afterwards. 

It's not injecting myself that bothers me; I've done it in nursing school. (On second thought, stabbing myself DOES bother me.) It's the stuff I'd inject. Obviously, bee venom stings. Aaah!

But I'm a tough, 103-pound, pioneer woman. *sniffs wrinkled nose in the air and brushes off shoulder pad* (Truth: I do own a blazer with shoulder pads.)

I say that now. Remind me when I feel like (I'm about to say a bad word) CRAP. 

Let me let you in on a secret. These antibiotics bring the Lyme spirochete cells out of their houses and kill them off. I can react with profound symptoms of Lyme as it comes out to play and/or dies off. This is called a Herxheimer reaction (herx for short). 

I used to get antibiotics only twice a week. I'd be herxing and in a daze for about 72 hours. Sunday was my best day, and people always thought I was all sorts of healthy and whatnot. Must have been the verticality, less drunk walk, and rouge talking. 

On these antibiotics, the Lyme does crazy things. I become:

-Forgetful. We're talking major memory impairment. 

-Tipsy, like a drunk person. 

-Weak, with very little vertical stamina. 

-Slow...especially when braking my car (eeeep!). 

-Jerky and/or limpy with an awkward gait. 

-Unbalanced (note to self: stop using messenger bag purse so as not to fall over. Also, don't wear heels.). 

-Aloof and pleasantly numb in my brain. I am like a happy dog living in the emotionally-saturated present: no worries for the future, no regrets about the past; I'm not even sure what month it is. It's kind of nice! It feels childish. I regret not being a more capable mother in all this, but it's either go forward or...keep descending? Anyway, the happy, present-embracing part is dreamy and cool. 

-Unable to read. No retention and no focus, bro. 

-Great at menial hand work from a reclined position, like crocheting with every scrap of yarn in the house. 

-Lazy. Unable to function (keep house, do physically-involved mom stuff). But that's not new. 

There are things I CAN do. But I'm getting tired and won't list them here. Reading to my babies is one of them. Oh! And writing letters. (Care to be my pen pal?)

Now that the weather is warming up, I'm going to drop crocheting and take up coloring intricate, adult coloring books. Coloring is very zen, you know. We adults oughtn't to outgrow coloring! In some circles, it's called "art therapy."

I don't know what to expect this time. I could be on this stuff up to a year long or more. It's going to hit me twice as hard, and there will be 33% more material to kill off and shovel out my liver and spleen and body somehow. Antibiotics target all cells, good and bad, so my body will have to recover from that even when I'm done. 

I hope it will be pleasant and that I won't waste too much time coloring and being mindless. Is it ok to be in a stupor when it's induced? I want to learn and read and be active. With my downtime, I'd really love to become a scripture scholar, but I can't say I'll retain what I read and hear. I can try to learn and retain things. 

I'll still write on the blog often. Surprises are coming down the pipe; I have yet to discover them myself. Just know I'm under the influence of some major Lyme upset (hopefully?) in my brain and body. 

Things are about to change. I prayed about this and know it's the right direction to go at this time. I felt weight, and now I feel lightness. Wish me luck and send optimistic thoughts and prayers my way! Let me do the same for you too.