Healing Hurts

I'm a nurse. Cures are easy to spot. Being cured means symptoms are gone, usually from a quick fix. Being HEALED, on the other hand, comes from an entirely different process.

I have endured years of painful hoping. It was painful because my expectations, my plan, and my will were not quite being realized the way I wanted. Very often, like every few days to every few weeks, I had an internal funeral for another hope: a child I missed meeting, a missed opportunity, a 'no' answer, lack of a 'cure.'

It's contrary to the pattern of my life because up until several years ago when I started getting sick, I've gotten everything I really wanted. I figured everything I planned and hoped for was a righteous desire. I felt that I prayerfully considered, that I asked not amiss, that I received divine endorsement, and that I worked like crazy to git 'er dun. Following this pattern, I felt my ideal world would be realized. I willed my life, while acknowledging hugely, relying heavily upon, and thanking profusely the Heavenly Help I received during every struggle and success.

When my plan for life veered off course, I became very frustrated, but my grit and determination faded little. I made goals and looked forward the next hope, made mantras, and I prayed and acted with all my might to will my modified plan to happen. But I was still often met with disappointment, over and over and over. Worst of all, my health and mood were getting worse, and just everything it seemed.

I cycled through stages of grief with every internal funeral. My future felt hopeless. Despair was dark and nearly constant.

But I never strayed from the path that leads to my eternal goals. That doesn't mean I looked like a tanned, strong, wise backpacker glistening with the sweat of a refreshing hike. No. I have sat down on that path and cried, or had a tantrum, or just lied down in the mud made from my tears to rest until I could press forward again. I have been very childish sometimes (probably because I am but a child to Heavenly Father). Every dastardly performance of struggle on this straight and narrow path has still been on the one and only straight and narrow path. I will never, no never forsake it...even if I look messy and act childish sometimes.

Over time I wisely realized I would not be cured...and over more time, I actually realized I did not WANT to be cured. It was not God's will for me. I had given too much, traveled too far, tried too hard for an easy fix. God and I chose a pack together for me to carry that is expressly mine/Ours, and I want to own it for this whole journey.

Realizing a cure was not the divine intention for me has opened my door to healing.

Read this from a BYU devotional talk:

"...Healing does hurt.

"...Healing requires suffering and yet is a gift from our Savior. How is it that a loving God would allow us to suffer? I have come to realize that my Savior cares more about my growth than He does about my comfort. One evidence of His love is that He does not spare me from the suffering I need for my development and progression...

"...I love how Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, described healing: 'Sometimes a ‘healing’ . . . lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.'

"...Let us remember that, in the end, healing is a gift from our Savior that will likely require effort and suffering on our part so that we can grow and develop through our struggles. The gift is often the refinement we experience in the process" (Jonathan G. Sandberg, "Healing: Courage + Action + Grace," Jan. 21, 2014, speeches.byu.edu).

This talk changed my entire perspective. Instead of holding funerals, it became easier to "drop my burden at His feet and bear a song away" (LDS Hymnbook: "How Gentle God's Commands").

I don't know what being healed looks like for me exactly, but I know that it is the right thing. I have peace in God's plan for me. I give up, and by that, I mean I give up my will and accept His. I believe in this path I press forward on. The song I bear away is a hopeful one as I can more easily rejoice in my sufferings.

I know the hurt we feel and the price we pay are so very, very small compared with "the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18).

In conclusion, Elaine Marshall, former dean of BYU's College of Nursing, said this. "Healing...is often a lifelong process of recovery and growth in spite of, maybe because of, enduring physical, emotional, or spiritual assault. It requires time. We may pray for cure when we really need healing. Whether for cell reconstruction, for nerve and muscle rehabilitation, for emotional recovery, or for spiritual forgiveness, healing needs work and time and energy" ("Learning the Healer's Art," Elaine Marshall, Oct. 8, 2002, speeches.byu.edu).

Guys, this is just earth life, and we are the stuff of heaven. I feel like, because we know that, we can carry on and feel continuous healing through the enabling and healing power of our Savior's Atonement. Our struggles are beautiful, and Ours, and show the best that is within us.

Maybe, after awhile, they even make us glisten.