Before I knew I had Lyme disease, I blamed feeling unwell on so many things relating to the strains of new motherhood and working full time. These were the scapegoats for feeling so sick and not being as active as I wanted to be in my little family and not getting things done around the house.
I gave any energy I had to work, and my family got the leftovers (the totally chewed up, spit out, chronically ill version of me: ew). This was a hideous feeling for me, knowing that all I ever wanted to be was a full-time, stay-at-home mother. But I did what had to be done for the survival of my family, willing to be their figurative martyr...until I realized my actual life was on the line!
The hardest part about realizing I had an actual illness and admitting I am a sick mom was the guilt about not being a better mom and wife. I read articles about how to entertain the kids when you have a sick DAY, like abolishing screen time limits, ordering food in, and hiring people to do stuff for you. Maybe that works for some moms...but what if you have a sick or impaired LIFE?
I started searching for positives of being a sick, impaired mom, truly not knowing yet if this was to be a temporary or permanent state for me in this life. (Actually, I still don't know, but I have the Savior's peace and am not worried!)
Someone told me that Heavenly Father knew what I would pass through, and He EQUIPPED my children to be able to handle being in this family. This is true: they have thrived all the way. I have such comfort knowing this, knowing I'm doing my best, and it is good enough for my children right now. They have all the coping mechanisms and abilities to handle being in our family during its ups and downs. And likewise, I actually have all the abilities I need to mother this family from where I am, right now.
I feel like my children have become more self reliant. They have learned to get their own snacks and make (sloppy, but yummy) sandwiches. They have inherently learned what foods are good and bad for our bodies from the way we eat. They are becoming more obedient about coming inside from playing the first time we call, knowing there are reasons to be inside, even it's just so I can lie down. They realize the cleanliness of their living space relies solely on them because I don't pick up after them much, and they choose whether to live in order or filth. They have earned my trust when I tell them not to answer the door while nap on the couch or shower. They carry their own things in from the car a little better, enjoy outings a little more, and have respect for my abilities when they ask, "Mom, can we play outside for ten minutes?" I can sometimes watch them outside for that length of time. When I say I cannot let them out because I can barely lift my head, they rarely pout anymore and instead play in the unfinished basement with glee. (Get them around their softer Grandparents though, and they'll make a bigger fuss!:)
These are big lessons and big compromises for young children, but I think I've accidentally or intentionally given them self discipline and freedom by being instructive and present, but not always physically active to intervene (as uncomfortable as that can be for me).
As for me, I have been able to enjoy blessings of being a sick mom too. I am being forced to rest...oh, what a gift. (Though, I have a hard time being completely still and usually have a small project in my hands.)
There are other blessings. I like watching my children develop into thinkers and doers. My children get way more time on my lap reading books than they ever could if I was busy getting things done. I have been able to reorganize my priorities. I have let go of some of my pride regarding house cleanliness, my physical appearance, and thinking can do everything. It's liberating and a beautiful gift. It's perfect for right now.
There really are blessings in everything God gives us. I am grateful Heavenly Father could turn my needless guilt into His comforting assurance. I know now that all is well and exactly as it should be.
It takes adjusting your perspective, but His grace turns every stumbling block into a stepping stone.
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