"How Are You, Really?"

"How are you?"

What do you think of this question? Do you wonder about the sincerity, interest, or motive of the person asking? Do you think about what to share, and to what depth? 

I love to ask this question out of real interest, because I love people and rrrreally want to know them well. 

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin spoke often of his sweet wife Elisa whose trademark question was, "How are you, really?" I think this says a lot about her, and I hope her question and my "how-are-yous" sound alike. 

People ask how I'm doing frequently. I used to say I was fine, no matter what; but I am as candid as I want to be now. I realized that I matter. 

I generally respond in one of four ways, with each answer getting a little deeper. 

"How are you?"

Number one: "OOOO-kay," I say enthusiastically with a cheesy swing of my fist. No facts. No explanation. Just two exaggerated syllables. I'm obscurely just ooookay. Take it, leave it, ask further, or hear me out. 

In the olden days, the question and answer were exactly the same: "How do you do." A statement, not a question, this was often just a polite greeting. 

I think we have modernized the greeting, "How do you do?" into the greeting, "How are you?" 

I wish it could always be asked as a sincere question like Elisa Wirthlin's. But if it is only a greeting, I have number one as my automatic response. Although, ready or not, I could be getting warmed up for number two, three, or four. 

Number two: (scripted and changed from time to time) "I'm seeing small victories. I'm still on the downswing. Lyme gets worse before it gets better, and I haven't started the upswing yet. But I feel like I'm on the right path, and I feel good about where I am."

I.e. This is dang hard, and I feel like death. But I can't discount the miracles and tender mercies that are happening; they're awesome, and I'm so grateful. I'm holding onto hope with both hands and white knuckles, and man, it's hard. Did I already say that?

This answer is probably used the most. It is also the answer to the common question, "Are you feeling better now?" 

If I feel too yucky or it doesn't feel right to get deep, choice two is my go-to answer. It covers the question and reports on my progress without making me get wrapped up in my feelings. 

Number three: "Actually,...[I think I'll bear my soul to you now]...."

The details, facts, and figures are varied depending on the day or phase of treatment or mood or hunger or whatever. They are regurgitated instinctively based on the person's approach: body language, eyes and eyebrows, a squeeze of my arm, a hug, desperation for their own direction, or duty. The Holy Ghost tells me what to say. 

Words are my medium--the giving and receiving of them. I appreciate deep conversation (classic introvert quality). You wanna know? I'll tell you. And tell me about you too! Let's be besties. 

But if my offering of number three is met with a stare and no words, I feel like I wasn't careful with my pearls--my wounds, sorrows, pain, hopes--and I won't soon be getting to number three with that person again. 

People hopefully, generally, instinctively, VERBALLY reciprocate: empathize, share stories, give well wishes, ask follow-up questions, etc. This give-and-take of deeper conversation is the stuff that makes people caring, relatable, and vulnerable in a beautiful way. Realizing mutual vulnerability can knit humans together. That perspective can instantly inflate our own feeble strength into newfound greatness and solidarity. 

It's important to talk deeply with people and provide insight into your personal life so you can relate to each other and realize how strong God made us to be. We are neat, Heavenly stuff. 

Number four: This level is deep, deep, deep: the deeply personal, the spiritual. It is reserved for times I don't mind people seeing me rejoice with tears or bawl. 

I don't use this much. I write an exorbitant amount outside this blog and talk my husband's ear off. Some things I keep inside an internal storehouse. They are wrapped in delicate tissue paper so I have to consider whether I want to go to the trouble of disrupting the paper covering that dream, hope, hurt, memory, whatever, so I can look at it. Moments of enlightenment are lamps I turn on to see my packages in the right light. Some I unwrap and display as a hope or goal. Some are caustic memories that seep through the paper; sometimes I keep them. Sometimes I'm able to throw them away. But the rare number four's response requires me to go into my internal storehouse and take out packages. 

I hope you'll think about your "How are you?" questions and answers. We are meant mourn with, comfort, and rejoice with each other. We are meant to reflect on that question ourselves too--"How am I?"

Remember, the two great commandments involve three parties: God, others, and self. 

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

"This is the first and great commandment.

"And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

"On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." (Matthew 22:36-40)