I Reek

Most of the time, I think I'm a well-adjusted sick person...but sometimes, it really gets to me. 

I just need to say that it is disappointing to be a sick mom. Usually, I tell myself that I'm doing my utmost, so it is enough, and I am happy. But sometimes it tugs at my heartstrings, like almost every night when my husband tucks our children in bed without me, and I feel sad that I am not more involved. Like when he is massively overworked as the mom and the dad, then he uses the time when he's not working or taking care of our little people to do laundry or dishes. 

I joked with him that I would love the kitchen floor to be mopped for Christmas...but that's like asking someone who babysits for you every day to babysit for you one night so you can go on a date. I can't ask. So I have to be happy with a dirty floor. Our dog walked muddy feet through the dining part of the kitchen a couple months ago, and it is still smudged with streaked mud from when I feebly tried to clean it up. Someone keeps dripping something on the floor next to the barstools. If I have energy, I use it on our family, not on the floor; that's why it's dirty. I read books or snuggle or watch the kids play outside. The floor is just a symbol of lots of things I don't do as a mom and homemaker and how those "I'm failing" feelings get to me. 

Then there is the world. I am impassioned about the refugee situation in Europe, but do I do anything concrete? No. Money donations. I almost went to humanitarian Wednesday at a nearby church building, but did I get out of bed? No. I was grounded to my bed. My only consolation is that we gave an SUV full of clothing and stuff to DI in the summer, and hopefully some of those articles have made it to the people in crisis. We also gave modest clothing to Brazilian missionaries who can't afford or find anything suitable to wear in Brazil. I search for things to do. I feel so selfish for having it so good here. 

Then there is the self-loving piece. It's Tuesday night, and I am wearing the same thing I went to bed in on Sunday. I am a gross, disgusting mess. There is vertigo and nausea and absolutely no energy. I lay in the dark until 3 this morning trying to fall asleep, tortured with my disappointed brain chatter. I felt guilty that I didn't help more the day before with our son who was sick, that I barely saw our daughter, that I hadn't the energy during the day to crack open a book or even watch a movie. I wasn't safe to drive the kids around. 

So when I get the whim to do something for myself, like maybe it will lift my spirits and therefore help my family, or maybe it will help me be more productive so I can start cooking or helping in the house again, and then it falls flat, I'm consumed in scolding brain chatter until the wee hours. 

I'm just having a hard week. I can hardly move. I am stressing over my book and Christmas and some big decisions, yet I feel incapacitated to act. It's dumb. 

We met Brad Wilcox a couple weekends ago, and I whined to him. "I want to the the girl who is putting up chairs right now. I want to be powerful enough to be who I used to be." Brad said, "But you're doing everything you can. God isn't concerned so much about how much your offering is. He doesn't shake the tithing envelope by His ear. He is more concerned with what your offering does to change you." Brad told me I'm doing just fine. I don't feel powerful or proactive, but He said God thinks I'm good enough. "Remember that," he said, then pointing at my husband, said, "When she forgets, tell her that Brad told you to." He gave me two hugs and held my hands and made me feel like maybe I'm okay...even on weeks like this, when I reek and think I have nothing to offer and that I'm a miserable, selfish, lazy person. I have to believe that Heavenly Father views me more compassionately than that. I know it, even if I can't always bring myself to believe it. 

I Wrote a Book

I always thought I would have to be either extremely imaginative or several decades older in order to write a book. Yet during the month of November, I challenged myself to write a complete novel…and I did it. I did it! Heavenly Father showed me what to write.

Several years ago, I went out of my way to take a holistic nursing class. The practice I still use daily is called “dreamwork,” in which one learns to understand the meanings of one’s dreams, maybe even others’ too. It says right in the Bible Dictionary that dreams are another way Heavenly Father communicates with His children, and some dreams are even described in the scriptures. When I learned about dreams, I was thrilled to notice the messages Heavenly Father had been giving me in my dreams during my life. I began to pray that Heavenly Father would teach me in my sleep. Because I pay better attention now, He often does.

During a dream, the subconscious mind bubbles up into our consciousness. If we pay attention, we can be given answers to our problems and guidance for our lives. We find out how wise we are and how connected we are to Heavenly Father, deep, deep, deep down.

While I wrote this book, I felt like I was daydreaming—like I was literally accessing the subconscious parts of my brain while awake. It was wild, and awesome. My characters fleshed out easily, and I loved them immediately. There is no going back once you wake up like that.

Early in the month, I was exhausted with the metaphorical bag of rocks I carry in my waking life. We all have one—just look at that heavy thing slung over your shoulder.

I had an appointment with my doctor and shared my concerns, and also related, as an aside, that I had started writing a novel. She is a published author many times over, so I told her the premise of my book. I mentioned a character who was having second thoughts about a big decision, and how I didn’t know what he was going to do. It seemed to be my own version of “writer’s block.”

In that moment, I realized how much his issue symbolically matched the quandary of my waking life. “It will be interesting to see what he decides to do,” I conceded with a shrug. My doctor expressed interest in his outcome; I bet she realized that his fate would somehow help me realize my own.

Through the coming weeks, that character and I really struggled together. I had compassion for him, and by extension, I learned, for myself. I loved myself for struggling and trying and having growing pains. And my character sure hurt too, but I knew he would be okay. I knew he was strong enough to heft his bag of rocks.

This is my first novel, but it can’t be my last. It is too therapeutic to stop. Heavenly Father helped me access my inner wisdom and get through my pile of rocks.

The greatest accomplishment of writing my novel is not that it is written, though I feel joyful about this. The greatest accomplishment is that, now, I love my Lyme. I love it. I love the gifts it has given to me. Gee whiz, it’s all mine—my struggle, my grief. I see myself as a character that I believe in, who I know will be okay, even if I have writer’s block figuring myself out.

I love my Lyme. The critter that has taken over the function of some of my cells acts out of a loving concern for me. It gifts me with struggles that prove who I am in this epic of life. Fifty thousand words could never contain all this; I must be pretty awesome.

Now, my Lyme is as precious to me as my characters. They were born out of love from my subconscious mind, and I think my Lyme was born out of love too, whenever it infected me. My characters keep slapping me on the back, letting me know I’m as okay as they are. I am safe and remembered, and I am trusted by Heavenly Father to do the right thing in my story.

There is purpose to every rock in my sack, and maybe, in the end, it is a joy to be added upon with more rocks when I need more stretching. I’m a plucky, resilient character who doesn’t know how to quit.

My husband has read my manuscript and likes it. I printed it and spiral bound it into a 175-page book so I can edit easier. I love its heft in my hands, like a piece of my heart and deepest mind has literally materialized. When I read the manuscript last week, I knew which parts in the arc of the story needed to be expanded like an accordion. It is an exciting work.

Writing my novel has been an immensely private, selfish, vulnerable, therapeutic work. I updated my doctor just yesterday as we sat like girlfriends, talking about fiction. She didn’t even charge me for an office visit; it was crazy. Maybe it was therapeutic for her to sit back in her chair and talk about the love invested in story-writing. She thinks my book could help people, like it has helped me.

Someday it may be read by others, but I did not initially write to be published. I wrote to write. My characters and I hang out and heckle each other as I continue to daydream about them and other stories that need to be told.

Maybe it is selfish to hang onto my characters for only myself. Maybe I need to learn eventually end this “book honeymoon” and set them free.

I am grateful for the safety of stories. Stories matter. Families stick together with family legends and stories, everything from ancestor narratives to recent embarrassing moments. Prophets comfort the afflicted and lovingly prick heart with stories. Jesus told masterful stories, each with a thousand levels of understanding. They can be studied for millennia, I feel, and never be fully digested.

I did not know I had a story. But because of Lyme, I do. I can talk about my rocks, look at the rocks of my characters, relate my rocks to other people’s rocks. It is really beautiful.

I am really grateful.

Checking In

Hey everyone. I just wanted to check in with a quick post. I don't feel well. Lately, mornings have been like an out-of-body experience. I wake up exhausted and stay brain dead until evening, usually. I had two pretty good days this week, which was a miracle, but looking back, they were both days when I had a little caffeine in my system. Still, I got a little shopping done and was able to do some laundry. It felt good.

I am still keeping busy with various personal projects, like finishing the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, writing my first novel by the end of this month, hand sewing a bit, and reading loads. Plus there are the casual, everyday things, like listening to my children read, homework, and ponderizing. For ponderizing, we are going over the Articles of Faith, adding one or two every week. Right now we're up to ten.

I still go to the doctor once every week or two for LDI injections. So far, I've had 13. I eat this and that, but can't summon the energy to cook most of the time. I broke out into the worst acne of my life about six weeks ago and am trying to resolve it by eliminating foods from my diet. The symptoms I don't have anymore are the painful gut problems that were my constant companions for almost three years. It is so awesome to be pain free when I digest!!! I love it so much. My twitching spells are few and far between, which is great. Now if I could just get over this devastating, debilitating fatigue and get my brain/memory retention/emotions back, I'd feel just about back to normal. Weak and needing to build stamina, but normal. I spend so much time in bed, but on my good days this week I hung out on the couch instead. I count couch days as victories, because I get up.

Sometimes my fatigue feels like I am recovering from anesthesia (dizzy, disoriented, and mentally checked out), but being forced awake against my will. Sometimes it feels like I've just caught the worst cold of my life, and all that matters is immediate, undisturbed sleep--but I can't sleep well, day or night. Sometimes it feels like have just run a race, and all my ATP energy has been sapped from the mitochondria in my muscle cells. Sometimes it feels like my body presses heavily into the mattress, like a stone. But usually, it's some sort of combination of all of these.

My family is cute and supportive. My husband is so kind and compassionate. Our kids are growing up too much. Snuggling with them while they're still little and still adore me is one of my favorite things.

That's all, I guess. Hope you're well!

Death and Faith

Guys, this is a first draft. I'm aware it is unclear and poorly written. But I'm not editing it. Deal. I am. xoxo

 

 

 

As a nurse, my goal is to help people towards wellness.

 

But sometimes, nothing more can be done.

 

Some of my favorite nursing experiences were with people who were about to go Home to their Maker. Heaven was so near: the room was always crowded with people I could not see. A hushed anticipation hung in the air as messengers awaited the person's journey home.

 

As a nurse, I could not cure; I could only comfort. A lot of pressure was taken off. The families loved me for being present when they needed me. They loved me for leaving them alone. And they loved me for treating their family member with dignity.

 

One lovely elderly woman was brought in by ambulance and came into my care. Her only local son was the only family in the room. I checked with he and his mother often; and finally, it seemed her time to depart was drawing near. The son poked his head into the hallway and asked to speak with me at about three in the morning.

 

He was a reserved man, nearly silent. But a little boy came out of his roughened, plaid appearance as he expressed concern. He wondered if he should leave. After talking with him, I finally deduced he did not want to be alone as his mother passed away. After he asked me, I told him I would be honored to sit with him. After handing my other patients' care to the charge nurse, this son and I sat together to be with the woman who gave him life in her last moments.

 

All he wanted to do was sit—not touch, prop, or anything else. He was a little boy—scared of death. But I knew death comes, and that his mother was so unconscious and slow that she would pass peacefully. He was afraid of an episode; I made sure he knew he was safe as he stayed with his mother in her final moments.

 

I did not point it out, but the woman's face began to flicker, light-dark, light-dark, at irregular intervals. Her face was the only skin we could see, and it reminded me of the glowworm baby dolls with glowing faces that were popular when I was a girl. The woman's breaths grew more and more shallow, less and less regular, and the light would go out for longer and longer stretches of time. I thought she was gone a couple of times, but then the light would glow for just a moment. Meanwhile, her son and I sat, and I let him talk when he wanted to.

 

Her light finally went out. The room released a breath, and energy was vacuumed like a conduit through the ceiling. "Is she gone?" her son asked. I went to her, removed just enough warm blankets to feel for no pulse, listened through my stethoscope for breath and heart sounds, and told him she had passed away. He let out a breath. He thanked me for helping them both. And he went home to go to bed once he said his goodbyes.

 

The rest of the work began before the oncoming nurses arrived—calling the doctor, bathing, charting, calling donor services and the mortuary, seeing she was transported safely, and caring for my other patients. She was gone before the next shift arrived.

 

 

 

 

As a nurse, I guess life and death have been my business. I've spent a lot of myself saving the lives of others—truly. Heavenly Father has allowed me to save or have a hand in saving many. And He has allowed me to be part of others' passing.

 

Death was always a subject I avoided until a couple years ago. I was a young wife and mother—I needed to live. Then I had to find sense in people passing away after I and a team of others had done our utmost. Then I grew sick to the point I thought I was dying, and I didn't want to. Then I went under the knife a few times. Then I was told by countless that I was fine and to have a nice life, even though I would bid love and farewell to my husband in case I didn't wake in the morning—I felt so close to dying. Then I examined death, read books on near-death experiences, made friends with death, felt no intimidation by death. Then sometimes—often—more days than not—I yearned for death.

 

Or unconsciousness.

 

Or not being aware, or existing, or feeling.

 

Just going home. And though being without a body is a burden, and I looked forward to mortality for—like—ever, and it's groovy to feel stuff and whatever, I want a break sometimes. A big, fat, unconscious break.

 

Weird that one year you're fighting for everyone else's life, and the next you're wishing you didn't have one.

 

 

 

 

Today I attended the most beautiful funeral for my husband's sweet uncle, and cancer-dominator for over thirteen years. The talks made me laugh and cry. I felt so much love. I wanted to be a better person.

 

Then the last few talks hit straight in my heart. In my usual fashion, I cried silently. The impressions that kept hitting me so hard were thoughts on how Jesus Christ succors us, how God allows us to be challenged but supports us, how our test is to endure to the end. All the while, I felt the heaviness of my burdens, the grace that I experience on a day-to-day basis, and the overwhelming emotional fatigue of feeling like I will never succeed well enough even though I am doing the best I possibly can.

 

And I cried. I cried because I was envious.

 

Just this morning, as I do often lately, I prayed that if I couldn't have a break from being conscious (hating life one minute, falling asleep, and being awakened to the same life just one second later with no relief between), could I please have an out-of-body or near-death experience so I could achieve some perspective and sit on my Heavenly Parent's laps for just a little while. Oh, how I miss Them. I have always had such a HUGE eternal perspective because of this and that (too sacred for the internets). Death is an awakening, another birth, a reunion. And gosh, I miss my Parents and my Home so much. And mortal life is so much harder than I thought it would be.

 

So yes, I'm weak. And I cried. And you can judge me.

 

I hated myself for crying. For being selfish. For envying so hard every person I hear about who has gotten to go Home. Because I've been fighting, and I'm tired, and I wimp out.

 

Bah. I'm dumb.

 

There was plenty of reason to be crying for missing our uncle who had left an astounding legacy of love. There were family members an arm's-length away who will ache for him in every thought. And here I was, pitying myself and being ungrateful for a life rich with difficulties.

 

Yes, I envied him. I wanted to be where he was, to remember what he now knows, to rush to my Heavenly Parents and feel wholeness and safety. I wanted to shed my burdensome body long enough to get some kind of spiritual recharge.

 

I heard an analogy about death once. It's like the testing center at BYU. You go in, you take your test, and you leave. Sometimes I would walk in with a study buddy, and we'd sit in faraway areas of the room. Always, she—no matter who "she" was—would finish first. She'd know her score before I even went back to the questions I'd skipped.

 

Life is like that: you go in, and some people finish early, and you see them zip to the exit without looking back. I can't speak for everyone, but it feels unfair to me—makes me do a quick check of what I can do to speed this thing along and get through my problems so I can get out of the freezing air conditioning.

 

Dumbledore said something about not pitying the dead; instead, pity the living. And I do.

 

 

 

 

So anyway, my mascara ran a little, and I recalled a part of my patriarchal blessing, which I read carefully just this morning. In it, faith is emphasized. Hard.

 

Duh! Faith!

 

A near-death experience would be too easy. Being numb or unconscious would not test me at all. I am meant to be alert, aware, feeling, thinking, struggling. I don't get to hand in my test early. I get to watch the testing center empty out while I work on problems I sometimes hate in a subject that is dang, dang hard.

 

Leaving life like I've been asking to would be too easy.

 

A spiritual reminder would be walking by sight instead of by faith.

 

I can grunge ahead seven days, but no more. Just until sacrament meeting. And sometimes I wish myself invisible until the block ends, but alas, I survive, bottom in my chair. And then it's seven whole days of enduring again. Wishing. Coveting. Regretting. Repenting. And trying to be grateful instead of angry or sad.

 

It is hard for me to have forgotten home so much. Until I'm in my Parents' laps again, I will never feel whole. There will always be a void. I will always want. Nothing will be quite right.

 

If I could have chosen, perhaps I would have turned in a subpar, incomplete test awhile ago just to get the agony over with. My brain, riddled with Lyme and other coinfections, likes to suggest this as the only alternative.

 

But Heavenly Father knows perfectionistic, gritty ol' me. And He knows I will be happier if I stick it out, even if it hurts so bad, even if my test is messy and smudged and has mysterious junk sticking to it from the vending machines downstairs. He knows I can complete it. He knows I'm stubborn enough not to leave bubbles open, even if I have to take a wild guess sometimes. He knows I'll sweat and stress and get the thing done. My essays will barely be legible, but the best I can do.

 

I'll look like I've been through a war when I hand it in. But hopefully, when Heavenly Father grades my test, and Jesus remediates it…it will be enough.

 

 

 

 

Bookworm

I made a New Years resolution this year to finish twelve books. 

Why twelve? Why, there are twelve months in the year, of course. But even at that, it felt ambitious. 

This time last year, I had a PICC line in my arm and was so sick that all I could do was watch movies and crochet. I couldn't concentrate to read to save my life, but I thought it would be a more productive use of my time if I ever shook off some of the Lyme brain. 

When I got my PICC line out last Christmas Eve, I don't know...I felt like becoming someone new. Lyme brain had lifted a little, and I'd crocheted three afghans, hats, scarves, pot holders, and anything else easy you can think of. I set this goal of reading hoping I could learn and grow this year...and just to see if I would ever be a reader again. Teenage me loved to read, but then college me and new mom me and nurse me and sick me all happened...so was there time for a reader me?

The start of my year was slow. But, to date, I have completed thirty one novels/books. I can't believe it! 

Once I passed ten or so, I couldn't stop. Now I read in spare moments, browse my library's catalog app, read reviews on Amazon, search the discombobulated shelves of the thrift store... But it feels so edifying and purposeful. I feel like I'm on the upswing of a parabola, projecting exponentially forward in my interest for this old, new endeavor. 

Purpose comes not just from reaching my goal, but also providing an escape, building my vocabulary, giving exposure to (mostly modern) literature, and practicing critical/analytical thinking again. I run through mental explications in my head. I fall in love with writing styles and characters and descriptive language. Oh, BOOKS!!!!!

I don't read a lot when my kids are awake at home, so when they are in bed and the stillness of evening is upon us (my husband often works late), I absorb new friends in the form of book characters. 

Some characters I have come to know and love this year are Cassandra (and Topaz) Mortmain from I Capture the Castle, Gwen Shephard from the Ruby Red series, America Singer from The Selection series, Keturah from Keturah and Lord Death, and Heck from Heck Superhero. Love you guys. 

I've learned what styles I like: for example, right now I do not have the concentration to finish a book that has no plot. It's too bad, because I have a lot of great plot-less books I'd like to read! I also can tolerate love triangles sparingly...but one after another. For example, I loved reading the Ruby Red series after the Matched series because I took a 1000-page break from love triangles. It was grand. I've read about more since, believe you me!

I've learned more about writing, a pastime I have sincerely loved ever since I started writing personal musings in a private notebook in fourth grade. In my reading this year, some of my styles I use were validated by other authors. For example, it seems I am not the only one who loves poetry, even free verse! Some authors write entire novels with it. It may be my jam. 

I've also learned that I don't know what my voice, schtick, platform, passion, whatever you want to call it, is, and I have a lot of drafting to do before I put out anything good. I don't feel like writing a memoir of my Lyme journey because I'm still in the thick of it, and I'm not far-removed enough yet to write my feelings without being deeply affected presently. I don't have a fictional story to tell yet (well, I do...but I have to do tons of research and maybe get another degree first). My poetry...well, my husband likes it, but I don't have a subject worth putting out there yet. I won't write a cookbook, ew. (Maybe a booklet?) I'm a fair lyrics writer, but effortless tunes only come to me once in a blue moon. 

However, I do excel in journaling--the stuff no one will read in real time. 

I don't know where my journals will end up in the end. I label my papers by age, so maybe a descendent of ours will want to see what, say, nineteen-year-old me was like or something...but it may be rubbish! Meh.

But back to books. I love them. I love flipping pages, smelling the print of a brand new book, tasting the food they describe, hearing sounds created my mere verbiage. It's amazing what words can do! And it's amazing what an addict I've become to words. 

I love reading about social issues right now, this month. That's my jam. Oh, Heck Superhero was so good in that way. The author didn't leave out real issues, like trying to find a restroom to use in the morning when you're homeless. Or hunger that is all-consuming and just can't be ignored. Those are real issues!!! People don't talk about hunger or needing to urinate in their books, you know? It's just assumed that meals and hygiene happen in between the other adventures. Well, to me, physiology matters, and j thank Martine Leavitt for bringing it home. Not knowing what to eat is a daily dilemma for me, and I'm too weak to make stuff very often. It's a first world problem maybe, but it's legit for me. Not having the energy to shower, and feeling gross and unkempt, really happens about every other day for me. Food and hygiene matter. Why don't more characters talk about this? I think that's why I'm loving reading about people who just struggle with their own versions of day-to-day living. Are we not all climbing mountains? Are we not all walking each other home? (*steps off soap box*)

I love lots of books. Not gushy, Mormon romance so much right now...or super dark horror probably ever...or plotless books, as wonderful as they are. Young adult fiction rocks, compelling stories that change my view of humanity or the world is awesome, and a froofy young adult romance never hurt, but not every time. 

It's just nice to be reading! Do you love to read? What's your jam? What feeling do you want when you close a book? Personally, I want to sigh or have my mouth hanging open in amazement. Then j want to scramble back to my favorite parts again and read them over. 

Oh my...the magic of books!

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Art

They say it is something special. 

They say it is grand, touching, and relatable. 

But I just see this thing I made,

This thing I thought was only

Kind of

Okay. 

They say that they want more. 

They say I have a lot to give, show, and say. 

But all I see is vague repetition,

That cannot be valuable. 

And really--

What?

They say that I've got...something. 

They say I do it right, well, and poignantly. 

But all I see are half-baked drafts,

And they are probably not grand,

But share...

I do. 

I say that my work has changed. 

I say these works are no longer mine: ill and earthly.

For I see that feeble thoughts are touched
With power I did not request,

Because---

They're His. 

He says what He thinks they should.

He says what each person needs, wants, and craves. 

But He does not force the feelings down;
He invites us to look.
They are free

To keep. 

New Body

I kept feeling like I should write this post, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to share this. Or admit to it. Or accept it. Or be it.

But I'm ready now.

I've viewed my illness as a detour from the life I'm supposed to get back to any time now. A set back. A frontage road running along my favored course. Sometime, it will merge, right?

Because when you get sick and you're barely in your twenties, you get better, right? Your prime is still ahead, right? Your body is confused or having a meltdown, but it will get back with the program because it's young, right?

Do I have to answer that question?

I finished Ann Romney's book, In This Together. It tells her story of having MS. I dog-eared the pages that touched me, where she articulated my feelings about having a debilitating chronic illness so well. The beginning third of the book impressed me the most. Here, I directly quote what she said, because after four drafts, I still can't do a fair job of summarizing. 

A friend of a friend who was a few years ahead of Ann in her own MS journey offered Ann counsel over the phone. 

"'You've basically moved into a new body,' she began. 'The things you took for granted before are no longer true anymore, and it's your job to take care of this new body. You have to listen to it and pay more attention to it than you're used to doing, and you have to understand and accept the fact that you have limitations...People are going to try to push you a little, because you don't look any differently to them...the people who love you most have to understand that you're not who you were before and can't do the same things...Learn your limitations,' she said."

A new body. Limitations. No going back. Neat. 

I mean, obviously, we get new bodies through life. Think toddler bodies vs. school-aged bodies, pre-pubescent bodies vs. post-pubescent bodies, newlywed bodies vs. elderly bodies, and all the many bodies in between, like athletic, post surgical, and menopausal.

But ill bodies, if expected at all, are not expected until the late, late years. This is why it's so shocking and tragic when illness touches someone at a younger age. It doesn't seem right.  

I certainly didn't expect illness. I went to university on a dance scholarship and had a powerful, lithe body. I had a baby as I graduated with my bachelors degree and hoped for at LEAST nine more. 

I remember the alarm and devastation of living in my recovering, post-birth body and wondering if I could never be put back together again. I cried, "I'm leaking from almost every oriface all at once! Motherhood has broken my body!"

I recovered quickly to a new normal, yet I was a bit altered. I still danced--muscle memory is a gift. But my perfect ballet abdominals were sacrificed for my baby. Every "improvement" to my post-birth body was a reminder that the heavens opened and two of the brightest souls in the universe came into the world via my little mortal frame.

But illness? Illness. 

I haven't been able to figure illness out. It's stuck to me. I can't shake it because it's my new body. 

It's going to take some time to swallow. I've always wanted to be the tough girl who helps put up chairs after church, the dainty girl who clears the plates after dinner, the tough mother who lifts a turkey in and out of the oven with sinewy arms glistening from the heat of the kitchen. I've wanted to kick box and shoot hoops and run half marathons. I've wanted to rearrange furniture and clean the house by myself, run kids to school and activities, handle the finances and be my husband's business sidekick, be the mom who swims with her kids and takes them to a new park every week. And I wanted to have a baby attached to me in some way at all times. 

But thank goodness that Heavenly Father has changed my heart and made me content without all that. 

My doctor says I should focus on what I CAN do and not on what I CAN'T do. I heard that again about three times during General Conference last week. 

It seems that since my abilities have changed SO MUCH, I need to find new purpose. I need to build a new life. It's super intimidating. My old plan was pretty cool. 

I can't make babies, can't scurry around as a nurse, can't handle play dates or loud groups of little people. Can't bake bread, afford more schooling, beautify my home, grocery shop, or pull in a paycheck just now. 

I can do personal daily worship, love my husband, teach my children, read, write, crochet, do a little family history work (it stresses me out), read to my children, talk to them for long periods of time, do family home evening, scripture study, family prayers, plan the menu, start simple dinners, carry out a very low-key calling, be available to my husband and children, make our home smell nice...

And miraculously, Heavenly Father allows me to feel well enough to go to church and partake of the Sacrament every Sunday. This is truly a miracle to me. 

But anyway, as far as comments like:

"Hope you feel better soon." 

"Maybe tomorrow will be better." 

"You should be good after this treatment, right?" 

I'm not offended, and I do have an answer. 

Probably no. 

I have a new body. It has problems. But it is still good for something. 

A Poem

My arms are so full

Of parcels and things--

I want to let go

But I'm too persistent. 

So my fingers will cramp

And I'll shudder with pain. 

But I can't let go. 

I can't let go. 

I can't let go. 

I can't let go because they're my hopes and dreams

My deepest wishes

My greatest mistakes

They're maps and statues

And things to keep

To remind me of who I was

Who I was

Who I was long ago. 

There is a Person taking parcels

From the arms of the travelers

But I won't give them

I have earned them

They are MINE,

And I've taken them this far

This far

This far.

But He says, That is heavy,

And this is my job. 

Please, you will, please believe me:

For you are mine

You are mine 

You are mine. 

My heart says He's right

And I groan inside. 

If I'm His, then these parcels--

These parcels are His. 

They're all His, and it's His job

To take them away. 

But the price of giving them 

Is too much.

So I will keep keeping

Keep keeping

Keep keeping them safe. 

But I can't

And I know that

And without another Word.

So I drop just a little pen into His hand. 

But it's nothing compared to

The pot-bellied stove that I carry around my middle. 

I HAVE to keep that. 

But the rest He can have, I guess,

If He must

If He must

If He must. 

Off with the suitcase, the textbooks, the scrubs,

The kettle, the apron, the pool, and the checkbook,

Down go the beads and the ledgers and books,

And lastly, with a grunt,

Lastly, with a grunt, 

Lastly, with a grunt go my dancing shoes. 

Heave ho! I am fine,

Pot belly and all. 

It hurts, but I'll manage, probably,

I think--

Sigh, I'm wrong. 

But I can't

But I can't

But I can't!

Not the oven full of buns,

The source of our heat

The warmer of hands

And the cooker or meat. 

Not the embers round which

All our family talks

Til it's late in the night

And we've built on our Rock. 

Where the knickknacks from holiday Traditions collect

And pieces of artwork

We made stand erect. 

That potbellied stove is 

The thing I would like

To be seen of me first when 

In churches I stride. 

But His eyes are like fire

Wilder and warmer than the embers

And I feel safe

I feel safe

I feel safe handing it over. 

That potbellied stove! 

I feel safe handing it over. 

So light now, I am sent onward 

But what can I do?

What is tomorrow?

Don't I have somewhere to be?

Something to do?

My things--my tools--

They're far off behind me

I'm lighter, but loster. 

With nothing in my hands,

And no way to care for my own...

What shall I do?

What shall I do?

What shall I do?

Washing Day

This post is my way of praising God for His tender mercies toward me. I celebrate a routine He has helped me keep going for about six weeks. I know cannot claim any degree perfection in any part of my life, and this post is not meant to sound boastful. I'm just so stunned and grateful! 

I finally feel like a homemaker!

A few months ago, I did not have the physical get-up-and-go to follow through on even ONE load of laundry. I think Heavenly Father knew how much I desired to contribute to my family and has now given me a day of strength every week to be the best homemaker I can be. Who knew it was such a privilege to do laundry, and that a woman could get SO MUCH JOY from it?!

Also, even though I present my best successes regarding my Monday routine here, please know I readily acknowledge that I am SO not successful yet in may other ways. The feelings I have towards dishes, for example, are so disdainful that they probably aren't Christian. My husband and children all seem to feel the same way, so you can expect to see dirty dishes littering the counter if you come to visit. You'll see that I have to shop once a week on our current system, which is rather inefficient (plus, grocery shopping, EW!). Our blinds have never been cleaned. Our baseboards are a horror…

You get the idea. We struggle. But I have one successful homemaking routine because of the Lord, and this is it.

On to the post!

I think my favorite day of the week is Washing Day.

It's the day in which I do the most and lie around the least. I have instant gratification of my accomplishments. The rest of our week is better because of Washing Day.

Washing Day takes place after the Day of Rest. I call it "Monday, Mom's Day" or "Monday, My Day," or simply just, "Washing Day."

It's the day I get my head together for the following week. It's the day I exercise my full jurisdiction as wife, mother, homemaker, and nurturer. Even if I'm in the middle of a sick episode, I have to do Washing Day. It's a selfish pleasure, and the first step I take towards creating a house of order for my family. It brings me great joy to pull some weight. Plus, I truly believe that if I can get this system down, other productive routines will eventually fall into place.

Here's how it goes down.

After everyone has left for school or work, I start filling the washing machine with hot water while I gather all the dirty towels in the house. I designed this house to have pigmented walls so that white could be an intentional accent color. Thus, all our towels are white. The bathroom towels and kitchen towels each get a load but are both bleached every week. While the washtub is filling, I run to our bathrooms and get towels. But before I leave our half bath (the one visitors are most likely to use), I pour bleach in the toilet and spray down the mirror and vanity with cleaners. Then I wipe the whole bathroom down, swirl out the toilet, and tidy up. I love that this only takes three minutes and is done for the week. Before heading to the washer, I grab the used white hand towels from this half bathroom and also the "wet bucket" from the pantry (which is full of used kitchen towels from the week). 

By the time I get back, the washer has just finishing filling. The bathroom towels take an agitated, bleachy bath. I start up the washer and gather the rest of the dirty laundry in the house. Because I do this every week, it is not overwhelming. (It did take an initial, colossal laundry week and purging everyone's too-small, worn-out clothing to get on top of this process completely.) Each person has a mesh laundry basket, and I sort everyone's clothes into respective loads: darks, whites, jeans, lights, reds, and delicates/hang to dry/cold water wash.

When we first got married, we bought two, wheeled laundry trolleys from Costco. Each has three laundry bags attached. I also brought my childhood hamper into our marriage, so we have seven spaces altogether for dirty laundry. It's great for the basic loads we do every week. (Inevitably, there are always random things to wash, like blankets or a large tablecloth.) The trolleys and hamper are parked under a countertop I designed into our laundry room, with a countertop above it and a set of cabinets yet above that. We pushed the entire front of our home out by two feet so we could have this space, and I am grateful every day that we did! 

While the wash gets going, I go to the kitchen. I throw the beans that soaked overnight into the crockpot with some salt and garlic, maybe an onion. Meanwhile, I usually brew myself a cup of fruity herbal tea. Dinner will be ready this afternoon!

Then I sit down to plan our menu for the week. I use a binder that has our family's favorite recipes photocopied and alphabetized to create a diverse menu that will hopefully interest everyone. Then I create a short shopping list and plan on shopping later in the day, usually after I've picked up our kindergartener.

The other thing I do while I'm sitting down is make a plan for carrying out the items talked about during our Family Council. We just started having Family Council on Sunday afternoons. Basically, we discuss at the following week through Sunday so we are all on the same page and there are no surprises for anyone. We also talk about goals, counsel our church leaders have given us, etc. (For example, recently we made of list of ways we can keep the Sabbath day holy.) The whole meeting takes five or ten minutes. We have a dry erase calendar that we update every week. At BYU Education Week this year, I was taught that if you don't talk about a project due on Wednesday, you'll be fighting about it on Tuesday night! (That tip came from professional organizer Marie Ricks.) 

Some things from Family Council are left up to the mom. Have I bought a wedding gift for the reception coming up this week? Does our son have treats that start with the letter H for his class on Wednesday? Are our daughter's dance clothes clean and in good working order? Have we sent in the donation money for her school class yet? Etc. etc.

Several years ago, my husband bought us matching iPod touches so our calendars would sync easily. I was working nights, and we had to make sure our children had childcare at all times. Sycning our calendars saved our bacon when we were in survival mode, but recently I have really missed my old paper planner. It was always the place I brainstormed without having to have random papers and notebooks to do it in. About a month ago, I finally bought myself a Moleskine paper planner and have LOVED it. The calendar between our phones is still synced, but I brainstorm our menus and make shopping lists and make little journal-type notes in my little paper planner. Washing Day is the day the most writing happens as I get organized.

Usually by this time, it's time to rotate laundry. I stay home as much as I can all day so I can switch over loads immediately. I have a goal to fold and put everything away while it's still warm. It makes life so much tidier. My kids are usually home during the thick of this process and are used to me jumping up and coming back ten minutes later with my arms full of whatever warm laundry I just folded. No, I haven't gotten them folding their laundry much yet because I'm a control freak on this and want orderly, instant gratification…but when my children moan less on their other chores and can handle their possessions without causing a riptide in their rooms, I'll get them folding their own clothes. I'm hoping for this by the time they're eight (wish me boatloads of luck!). The way I fold their clothes now, their drawers look like little bookshelves and it's so beautiful. I can't let go of that order yet because I lack emotional maturity on this. Baby steps, okay?!

Bathroom towels are easiest for me to put away: I don't even have to fold the large towels because they get hung on the towel racks. Each bathroom gets three or four hand towels, and each person gets a washcloth. We have two backup large towels, but they never get used (the blessings of living in such a DRY climate!). The delicates are hung to dry and put away on Tuesday…theoretically. 

That's how Washing Day goes for me. I'm selfish about it. I look forward to it. I love it. I defend Monday, My Day. It isn't just my day though; it's the day I do my job the most, and keeps my family from getting hangry and going into chaos later in the week. It prevents frantic runs to the store and gives us time to prepare for talks or projects. We all need Washing Day. And at the end of it, we have Family Home Evening and watch Studio C. Washing Day is a personal day and a family day, and I am grateful for it.

After I established Washing Day as a tradition, I remembered that it may be in my very genes to hold this day every week. My great grandmother lived in Washington, or "Warshington" as she so sweetly called it. She and my Great Granddad lived next door to my grandparents. They had a clothesline out back between their house and their farmland. That's where the wet "warsh" was hung after it had been through the machine on their back patio.

My great Grandma thrived on routine all of her ninety-plus years. She had her own weekly Warshing Day (I don't know that she called it that) on which she made a big pot of beans for her family. I never talked to her about this, but I wish I could now. I'm sure she worked harder than I do, pinning up wet sheets and socks on the clothesline and stirring the beans on the stove now and then. As she and Granddad grew older, she still made a big pot of beans that they would eat the rest of the week. 

Great Grandma's mother was born in England; my mother remembers her and that she had the sweetest English accent. I like to believe that she loved sipping tea, like me, and was immensely organized, like her daughter, and like I hope to be. As I clear cobwebs from the recesses of my mind that are designed to create order in our home, I find how much I need organization and routine too and how much I may be like the great women who have come before me. My mother was the best homemaker, and I see now that she learned from several generations of good training.

I look forward to routine. I LOVE it! I know every Monday I make beans for dinner, and that 2/3 of a cup feeds our family with no leftovers, and that's perfect because we won't willingly eat the leftover beans anyway. I know I need to get dinner started before lunchtime every single day because I have no energy in the afternoon to cook. When my "Start dinner!" alarm goes off at 10:15 every morning, I already know we will all have full bellies when we go to bed. We'll sit down for dinnertime, also a new novelty in our home. I will be giving my children the best chance for health, growth, and success at school tomorrow. I will feel like I did something for my family that day. I will have helped and contributed and pulled my weight. I'll plop into bed exhausted, but amazed yet again that I stayed vertical and that Washing Day was another smashing success.

That is why I love Washing Day. It's a hallowed day for me. I fold each article and dot every I and know the week will get its best chances because of these efforts. I do my job and receive clarity as to how to guide my children along in their work. My husband's burdens are lifted just a little as he has clothing to wear and food to eat, work he didn't have to do himself. I'll know where the jackets are and what trousers have worn out and which dinners weren't popular with us so I can try again next time. Life feels like it's chugging into motion again from hazy stagnation, because on Washing Day the wheels are greased.

The holiest day is the Sabbath Day, but to me, Washing Day is not too far behind.

Random Updates

Hello. In the spirit of pretending I don't have any illness, it has been a long time since I've posted.

I started a new treatment over a month ago called LDI (low-dose immunotherapy, I believe). It is a series of weekly injections into the skin on my forearms. In any illness or allergy, it is the body's immune system that creates body symptoms and causes one grief. The purpose of LDI is to train the immune system to stop reacting so much to foreign substances, whether it is Lyme, a virus, peanuts, or even a sample of your own tissue.

I have undergone five weeks of treatment so far. It makes me feel quite Lyme-y sometimes, but my guts are feeling so much better than they used to. In fact, I am basically eating only gluten- and soy-free now. Isn't that crazy?! I still keep up a lot of Paleo habits because they work for me, but I enjoy having more variety in my diet. The first week I ate small portions of dairy, I gained four glorious pounds—and I haven't lost them yet! I'm so happy about this, and that my gut seems to be healing.

Recently, I read a book by a Japanese organizer named Marie Kondo. It has changed my life, and I am finally setting our house in order. So far, I have discarded about 1 ½ or two SUVs full of stuff, and I'm not even halfway through. As I go through our belongings, I have learned a lot about what I want from my life and what kind of energy we want in our home. I'll post on this once I'm further into the process. But I will say it is extremely fulfilling to gain mastery over our objects.

My husband planted a large garden this year, knowing I would most likely not help with maintaining it. He has cheerfully farmed that little piece of dirt, and it has given back more than we expected. We have kale out the wazoo! Our compost pile is growing, and our neighbor who breeds rabbits gives us all the manure we could possibly need.

My little family seems to be doing well. My husband has been extremely busy with work this summer, and I'm so glad. I knew that someday our prayer would be answered and we may miss the slow business days. But my husband continues on as cheerfully as ever. Our daughter had surgery over a week ago—tonsils and adenoids. We feel like parents of a newborn again with all the times we have been awake with her in the night. But she is recovering as well as can be expected and will have a renewed burst of health and apnea-free sleeping from now on, we hope. Our son is the most good-natured, silly boy, and I have needed his steady pleasantness as I've nursed our daughter back to health while Daddy is working. I'm not kidding when I say that every single thing about him is almost unbearably cute to me. I can't believe how adorable my children are and how blessed we are to have them.

In fact, a friend commented to me yesterday as she observed them playing, that she always wanted a boy and a girl—that it would be just perfect. And as I looked at my peeps through her eyes, I agreed—I have a great situation. I'm so very grateful they came thirteen months apart while I was still so young.

Speaking of children, there are sure a lot of them being born and announced lately. And I am soooo delighted for their parents! Per suggestion from someone who has done the same due to health issues and promptings, I asked Heavenly Father to remove my desire for more babies if He truly didn't want me to worry about bringing them to earth at this time. And He really has. Just this past weekend, I gave away baby items without a twinge of sentiment or regret. Happily, I let them sail on to a new life without us. While I used to be unsatisfied with our "small" brood, I don't feel guilt anymore about being happy about our family of four.

I should talk about my mood. It's been awesome! It's a miracle, as slow as the night sky waking up as the sun approaches the horizon. I never knew if I would ever be okay again—a hallmark of despair. Yet, I feel great. Truly happy and full of gratitude.

Sure, I get spells of anxiety in social situations still. If I'm hammered with outside negative energy, I crumble. But those are moments instead of my existence. I know the sun will come back out. I can't believe I am so happy.

I do still have limitations. But I feel more powerful than I have in years.

Scriptures, prayer, and journaling have also saved me. I started the Book of Mormon again and slowly digested first Nephi, because come on guys, Nephi is the man. I also feel he is among the most expressive and candid of the Book of Mormon writers. I relate to a lot of his emotions; he shows vulnerability and fortitude all at once. I love Nephi. Every time we begin the Book of Mormon together, I can't help but think that he was meant to be at the beginning as a relatable and invitational voice to all who start the Book again.

There is a difficulty unrelated to health or anything I've talked about that I am working through. It's exciting to get to work through challenges and find out how I am stronger afterwards. This one is a doozy, but Heavenly Father is really helping me.

I guess the only other thing to update you about is my birthday. It's coming up soon, and I'm excited to finish yet another trip around the sun. I start a new journal on my birthday every year, and this past year's journal will definitely exceed the number of words in the third Harry Potter book (>107,000). I like that this time of year is hallmarked by school supplies and new clothes in the stores. I like sipping herbal tea and dreaming of fall, then winter…but I still like folding few socks from the laundry because everyone is running around in sandals. There's a seriousness and simplicity before impending school structure hits us all again. It's weird and wonderful, sweet and stressful. I approach my birthday with new goals and hopes in my heart.

That's my story for now. I barely keep my eyes open as I type this. The Lyme is fierce today, but I don't mind giving in. Love you all!

"I'm Doing Just Fine."

Boyd K. Packer, a beloved Apostle, recently passed away. I got to hear parts of his funeral on TV. One story from his funeral has stuck with me especially.

 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke as a fellow Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, and also as President Packer's long-time friend. Elder Oaks said that no matter the condition President Packer was in, he answered the question, "How are you?" the very same way:

 

"I'm doing just fine."

 

(I hope I got his verbiage exactly correct.)

 

If you're a long-time reader of my blog, you know I have typically addressed that very question with some combination of four levels of candor when it is asked of me. When I heard this story about President Packer, with a standard answer despite the standard and superstandard ups and downs of his life, I had to stop and think for awhile. How could one simple phrase sum it all up, every time? My first thought was, "That doesn't seem very honest. Everyone has good and rough days, including Apostles."

 

But I've talked it over with several people, and a stunning thought keeps hitting me in the face. It seems to me that President Packer wasn't necessarily avoiding the truth or putting up a wall to hide his best or worst of days.

 

President Packer was saying this sentence to himself, and he believed it. It was an affirmation.

 

 

"The storms are swirling, but I'm doing just fine."

 

"My body ages, but I'm doing just fine."

 

"I don't know how things will turn out, but I believe all will be well. I'm doing just fine."

 

"I see immense successes from my efforts, but they do not come by my power. All glory goes to The Father. I am lowly and have much to learn. I don't need credit. I'm doing just fine."

 

"I feel sorrow and loss, but I know the truth and am comforted by it. I'm doing just fine."

 

 

That sentence is faithful. It is believing. Managing, making it, and still here, we thrive. Indeed, we are doing just fine!

 

Zoom out past this mortal life, and I realize that God carries us through it. Um, WOW?! Our Maker has a plan that fulfills our every need and develops us into our finest. Trials are opportunities to be refined. We work toward being finished and complete.

 

I submit that it is completely possible to reprogram a calamity complex into a calming complex, and it is as easy to wear grumpy pants as it is to wear giggle pants. Why not be fine? Be in a state of wonder instead of worry.

 

I have been trying it out, and I think it's nice to feel "just fine" and really mean it. I believe in good things to come. And whether I am asking a probing question or thinking it to myself, I try to live by President Packer's paradigm because I like it. I smile more on the inside because I realize in wonder that—wow—I'm doing just fine.