[Note: This post is personal and answers the question, "Why don't they have more children?" I have a feeling it will resonate with readers in the present and future. Please contact me for anything on the subject; "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9)--by covenant, that's what we do.]
I finally took the initiative to see my OBGYN for a routine checkup in his group's new office. Almost everywhere I looked, there were large canvases with photographs of glowing, pregnant women.
This startled me. There were sooo many round bellies--so many lives about to change and new lives about to start.
I thought about the last time I was in for an annual checkup with this group. It was more than a year ago, maybe more than two.
The doctor and I had sat in his plush office and talked. I told him how badly I wanted to have another baby and how I wished I was expecting number four already; unfortunately, I had some health issues come up and needed some testing done before I could get pregnant. He agreed with me based on my gut symptoms.
I moved to another room and had an assessment with routine tests. Before I left the building, the doctor caught me, twinkled his bright blue eyes, and said, "We'll see you again soon--when you're pregnant! Come in when you're eight weeks along." I thrilled for just a second.
But a heaviness inside made me feel as though some weighty challenges were ahead, and his optimistic wish for me may not come to pass before my next yearly appointment. I tried to ignore this feeling, thinking I was just being doubtful...again.
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When my husband and I prayed about when to have children, we knew when we should have our first--and we did, right on time. Thirteen months after that, we had our second. I rejoiced in having two children so quickly and in being their mother. I loved being home snuggling with our near-twins.
I hoped to keep up the pace and have ten or more babies, hopefully even some "two-for-one specials" (twins). My sweetheart and I loved coming from big families and talked about having a big family way back when we were only dating. Believe it or not, this hope even affected the design of my wedding ring.
But once I had two babies, my sweetheart was more protective of me, having witnessed my difficulties during pregnancy, delivery, the "fourth trimester," and onward. He felt I had come close to death too many times, and that he could not lose me. In contrast, to bring people to this earth, I felt more than willing to run my body into the ground (wow, that is an unexpectedly startling pun). Things were hard for me with postpartum depression, and my body struggled.
I knew after a lot of prayer, pleading, and struggle that my husband was right--I should take a break.
I knew from a nursing standpoint that my body needed to be replenished. After praying, I knew we should not keep the rapid pace of bearing children, for now. School, pregnancies, and breastfeeding had sapped my nutrients. So did subsequent working full time in the worst possible conditions for my body. In hindsight, I also know my diseases had taken hold, and my diet of frequent processed foods was destructive too.
I did not replenish over the next four years and even had to heal from two GI surgeries and several other procedures. My nutrient absorption became limited, and I got more and more sick.
But through all this, I still felt the highest good I could do was to provide bodies and a loving home for as many of God's spirit children as possible. I felt frustrated about not being able to do this. With each passing month and year, I missed the babies that could have been, the babies I had not met yet. I studied my due date calendar too much. It plunged me into remorse and regret. Sometimes I wondered if I should ignore what God had instructed me to do and get pregnant anyway. Maybe I actually knew best (that's never true, of course; that was the ovulation hormones talking month to month).
While I worked, my two living children grew beautifully and thrived in the daytime care of their doting grandmothers (our moms). It was ideal for them while I worked. It was a huge blessing.
Over time, I felt prompted that there was no merit in my persistent asking for babies month to month over years as I had done. I prayed to Heavenly Father one day and told Him that I received His instruction and would stop asking for now. I would try to wait for His promptings of when to ask.
I knew, through inspiration (separately reinforced by my doctor's and counselor's advice), that the highest good I could do was to become well again--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I had so many hurts. I had been ripped apart and needed mending. There is a difference between giving OF yourself and giving UP yourself.
It was hard for me to put myself first. But the logical questions always came: could a baby and I survive a pregnancy? How could I be sick and still raise a quiver full of children? Was it my calling to bring a sick baby to the world through my sick body, and then leave my sweetheart a widower? I knew: absolutely NO. I knew I needed to live, and to follow God's plan for me.
I felt some sort of healing begin when I decided to turn my will and trust in the Lord, adjust my expectations, and happily go on with my two triumphant children. They are the most delightful people! I had always felt so blessed; but I had not been satisfied. The change in my paradigm made me finally feel satisfied, even blessed abundantly, and more patient in my waiting upon the Lord. I knew whatever He had for us was right.
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I admit that sometimes I revert and wish I was growing baby number seven now. I did the math: if I'd kept up the pace, I would be due this summer. (By the way, I really had to dig to find my due date calculator. Progress!)
Sometimes I can empathize with mothers with infertility issues who wait and hope, but do not have a baby of their own to hold.
Sometimes I feel sad when someone accidentally gets pregnant and is not happy about it, or when my favorite baby names are used, or when parents look so bothered when they have to remove their babies from a church meeting for a diaper change. Do they not know how rare a time it is to be able to enjoy babies, and how short it lasts?
Admittedly, I am angry when mothers repeatedly complain about being pregnant, wallowing about their discomfort at every opportunity, and especially when they use words like "hate" and phrases like "get this baby out of me." It is a privilege and a joy to be pregnant, despite the sufferings! Pregnant women get a baby out of their discomfort, AND they know that pregnancy DOES eventually end.
I now view my current illness as a privilege and a joy too, and I don't even know about either of those things!
Women, change your perspective! Your bellyaching does no good. I've tried it with my illness, and it does not help long-term (I do believe an occasional vent session is part of womanhood though).
Motherhood is divine no matter who you mother--children you adopt or care for in any capacity, young or old. But pregnant women, you have the privilege of experiencing a separate life form IN YOUR BODY. Soften the negativity, embrace positivity, and be grateful. Be grateful! Be openly, wondrously grateful! The heavens are going to open soon, and a new soul will enter the world through YOU! You should feel as choice as Mary! Love love love it for you and for your babies.
Women who wish they are pregnant but are not, take heart. There is joy and abundance now. There is motherhood (in many forms) now. Be joyful in your present, because it is perfect and as it should be. God keeps His promises. The future will care of itself. But for now, you can be happy because of gratitude. Be grateful in all things. God loves you and knows your desires. You are His work and His glory.
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I do not know what the future holds for my family and I, but I trust in the Lord and the path He has arranged for us. I step into the darkness with all the faith I can muster. When I look backwards at my path, it does not all make sense to me. But I know it is a snippet of time leading to somewhere grand and perfect. God's plan for us is the right one. I will follow God's plan for me, and I turn to Him always when I am in pain or when I forget I am on my way to somewhere grand. When I live in the present, there is not much pain though because there is so much to be grateful for with things exactly as they are.
My sweetheart and I praise our Heavenly Father for the joy we have in our two wonderful, precious, brilliant, wise, loving children. We are so very grateful. We are blessed with peace. God has instructed and reassured us, and while we may have hopes, we have no regrets.
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