Learning to Receive

I might say I was a powerful person, always on "the fast track," before illness set in. I was a great dancer and student; childbearing mother and homemaker; and then mother of two, AND full-time working nurse, AND part-time dancer, to top it off!

To go from being physically and mentally powerful to becoming mostly bed-bound was a slow decline. Over time, I have become more and more dependent on others for help. This has conflicted greatly with my personal, fast-track moral code. 

I read an article about learning to receive a long time ago. The biggest thing that hit me was to stop keeping score. There is no way to repay voluntary service that comes from the heart. It's too stressful to keep a tally and try to make up for it, even though it rips at me to accept that (I'll explain). I'm so far in the hole service-wise, that all I can do is show love whenever and however I can. And just so you know, I genuinely feel overwhelmed with gratitude with every gesture--every kind word, card, text, gift, hug, real look in the eyes--it's all internalized by me and warms my heart. Thank you. 

"We are all just walking each other home." I'm a wife, mom, nurse, big sister, and caregiver in so many ways, but maybe it's ok if I am helped along instead of helping others all the time. 

I had an interesting talk with my doctor about learning to receive. I was worried about my sweetheart--how he's both mom and dad in a lot of ways, and the sole provider, and my caregiver and sounding board in addition to being my husband. I expressed concern about all the weight on him and hoping it doesn't affect him negatively. 

A lot went into this conversation, but this is the part I want to share. 

My doctor asked me to think of our feelings. What were our hearts telling each other? 

His expressed joy and eagerness in being able to help me. Mine expressed gratitude, but also regret that I had put him in this position of working so hard without being able to help him. 

"Now put Jesus in his place," my doctor said. "Do you feel the same way?"

I embraced Jesus in my mind. We connected hearts. I had to think and feel for a moment before I answered. 

"I don't feel the same way," I said, "because He wants to help. He loves me and has already has done everything to help me; I just need to accept it. I would be rejecting Him and the gift of His Atonement to carry me if I didn't allow Him to help me."

The thought resonated in the air for a few seconds. 

"Do you think," my doctor quietly asked, "that maybe your husband, and some of the people who help you, have hearts like Jesus'?"

Boom. Clarity. 

Of course they do. 

Of course they do!

Why, in my pride, would I reject the gifts of others in my heart when they come from Christlike character, when they are His angels on earth? Why wouldn't I accept that? I tell myself I am not worthy of care and that I should be able to make it all on my own. That's a lie!

Receiving service allows us to receive the Savior and His gifts through the hands of His earthly angels. 

Giving service allows us to internalize the Savior's love for God's children by feeling His charity and giving it to others. 

We can't make out our own salvation. We are dependent, forever in debt to Jesus Christ. I believe He wants us to receive Him, and gifts from Him that are given to us in any way, even acts of charity from others. 

It is getting easier to receive because I see the Christlike hearts inside the people who reach out to me. I want to accept Jesus' love in whatever way He wants to give it. I am worthy of His care. 

And so are YOU. 

So many of you have especially reached out to me. I started a list, but got overwhelmed, and realized I was keeping tally again. 

Thank you so much for your Christlike hearts. I love you so much.