Clearing the Waters

This morning, I had a really interesting thought come to me. I've had it distill on me many times. But this time, it felt more clear. 

I've told you that before this life, I believe I was suuuuper excited to receive a body. I wanted it to experience the full range of what a physical body could do--from being healthy to sick. I wanted it all. 

But this morning, I had a thought added to this with more clarity. 

I imagined Heavenly Father and I conversing before I was born. There aren't really words to describe the dialogue; it was more a feeling. I imagined that Heavenly Father conveyed: "Your ancestors have had difficulties through their lives with false belief systems, like fear, and physical problems, like genetic malformations, that have made it difficult for them to cope with mortal life and listen to My Voice. I am placing you in a time and place within your family, with gifts and interests, to absorb poisons and curses that have been passed down for generations. This is so the generations ahead of you will have a clearer way and be able to listen to My Voice as they build the kingdom of God on the Earth. You will feel these poisons in your body; it will be difficult, but I will help you along. I know you can do it as you always stay close to me."

I imagined that I replied, "Yes! I am willing. I want to do this; I love my family, and I am honored to do this work. And also, I know what they do to bodies on Earth because I've studied it, and I am willing to be poked, prodded, cut open, and even broken in my mind. If it is required, I will give the body that I love and my mortal life to help my family and accomplish Thy will."

I think I knew my ancestors who had suffered would be nearby to help me even though I wouldn't remember or be able to see them on Earth. I think I knew the unborn of my family would watch on and learn, preparing to help clear the way too; it may take a few generations. And I positively KNEW God would be there for me, leading me by faith instead of by sight.  

Henry B. Eyring said, "The Book of Mormon teaches that God will always prepare a way for us to escape from the trials that we will be given. But we must understand that the escape will almost never be out of the trial. It will usually be through it, and in the process, the Lord will change our hearts" (Missionary Open House, Feb 14, 1998). 

A few posts ago, I gave a quote from an essay entitled The Uses of Adversity by Carlfred Broderick. I'd like to include the sobering, but insightful story that precedes that quote. 

"...I had a woman who came to me who was an incest victim—the victim of a terrible family. She was abused physically. Her mother was neurotic and stayed in bed all the time to get her daughter to do all the work, including taking care of the husband's needs when he was drunk. The daughter had been abused in about every way there was to be abused—psychologically, physically, sexually. Besides that she had to do all the housework.

"She was not a member of the Church at that time, although this happens to members of the Church also. In high school she met a young man who was a Latter-day Saint and who started taking her to church with him. Eventually they married. He was gentle and kind and patient because she didn't come with very many positive attitudes toward men, marital intimacy, or many other things. But he was long-suffering and patient and loved her. They raised some boys. 

"Despite this, she had recurring bouts of depression and very negative feelings about herself because she had been taught by the people most important in her early life what a rotten person she was. It was hard for her to overcome that self-image. I worked with her to try to build her self-image. One day she said to me, 'You're a stake president.' She wasn't in my stake, but she said, 'You're a stake president; you explain to me the justice of it.' She said, 'I go to church, and I can hardly stand it. When I see little girls being hugged and kissed and taken to church and appropriately loved by their fathers and mothers, I just have to get up and leave. I say, Heavenly Father, what was so terrible about me that, when I was that age, I didn't get any of that? What did that little girl do in the premortal existence that I didn't do so she is loved, so she is safe? Her daddy gives her priesthood blessings when she's sick. Her mother loves her and supports her and teaches her. What did I do?... Can you tell me that God is just if he sends that little girl to that family and me to my family?' She said, 'It's a good thing I had boys. I don't think I could have stood to raise girls and have their father love them because I'm so envious.'

"I would not have known how to answer her in my own capacity because that is manifestly unjust. Where here or in eternity is the justice in an innocent child's suffering in that way? But the Lord inspired me to tell her, and I believe with all my heart that it applies to many in the kingdom, that she was a valiant, Christlike spirit who volunteered...to come to earth and suffer innocently to purify a lineage. She had volunteered to absorb the poisoning of sin, anger, anguish, and violence, to take it into herself and not to pass it on; to purify a lineage so that downstream from her it ran pure and clean, full of love and the Spirit of the Lord and self-worth. I believed truly that her calling was to be a savior on Mount Zion: that is, to be Savior-like, like the Savior to suffer innocently that others might not suffer. She voluntarily took such a task with the promise she would not be left alone and abandoned, but he would send one to take her by the hand and be her companion out into the light. I viewed that woman in a different way also,... realizing I was in the presence of one of the great ones and unworthy to have my hands on her head.

"I think we do not understand the nature of ourselves. I think we do not understand who we are. Some people call the temple ordinances the 'mysteries' of the kingdom. When I went to the temple, I thought I was going to learn which star was Kolob, where the Ten Tribes were, and other such information. But those aren't the mysteries of the kingdom; the mysteries of the kingdom are who we are, and who God is, and what our relationship to him is. Those are the mysteries of the kingdom. You can tell somebody in plain English, but they still don't know in their hearts who they really are" (emphasis added; see http://www.mormonsundayschool.org/wp-content/uploads/Adversity.doc; also sold at Deseret Book and Seagull Book). 

I have thought many times what Carlfred Broderick said: "I think we do not understand the nature of ourselves. I think we do not understand who we are." I wonder if we are great, but just don't remember it. I wonder if we would be emboldened by the ever-present, invisible army that surrounds us at every moment, whispering encouragements and keeping evil spirits from whispering in our ears. 

And I wonder if the trials we take on are healing generations, past and future. 

For example, I hope to obliterate perfectionism from my family line. I hope to instill self-love--of our bodies, minds, spirits, and our individuality. I hope to embody stress management skills (after I learn them:) and educate my extended family so the destructive forces of stress do not ruin minds that could otherwise be powerful forces for good. I hope to understand my genetic mutations and finish my book for my family on how to manage them. I hope to instill a feeling of eternity in this earth-bound experience so our lives are viewed with the proper perspective. I hope to pass on how loving our Father in Heaven is, how exquisitely accepting He is even when we are weak, and how Christ heals us so we can dwell with God and each other forever. 

I think if we dig into our trials, we can become mindful of how we might be absorbing poisons and actively clear the waters for others we love. Be a cycle-breaker. Make a difference. 

One last story. My third great grandfather traveled from Sherwood Forest to my hometown as a Mormon Pioneer. His descendants on my line were faithful until three generations ago. My great grandfather was a good man but struggled to live the Gospel. My grandfather struggled in his youth, but became faithful before he married my grandmother and stayed true to the Church thereafter. My father was a good kid and followed the programs of the church, served a mission to teach the Gospel at the prime of his life, chose to overcome some genetic "family curses" (epigenetics--google it) at a young age, married my mother after he got home, and committed with my mother to keep their family faithful and strong in the Gospel. My siblings and I have all been blessed by generations of "overcomers" and increasing light from the Gospel. I think we are getting stronger as the generations progress. Sure, there are still "curses" to clear up, but we now live in a time when resources are available to clear the waters for our descendants. 

It's exciting to live now, to clear the waters, with resources like:

Scriptures

Prayer

Modern revelation and Prophets

Medication--a modern miracle

Medical treatments

Counseling (a big one!)

Testimony-building Church programs

There are still holes in our earthly knowledge. I attest that many doctors fly by the seat of their pants, victims of skewed training. But there are also gifted healers in many forms, some of them doctors. I believe God wants a strong people and will direct us to them if we ask. For a few years I prayed to get better...until God prompted me to pray to find the right doctor to help me. He wants me to learn to clear the waters, not just be miraculously healed in an instant. 

Think about circumstances that were or are out of your control, and ponder on the purposes of your suffering and how you can prevent poison from going downstream. 

Undoubtedly, our children must have adversity of their own to grow. We cannot protect them from everything, and difficulties will happen. One of the worldly lies of parenthood is, "I can protect my children from every bad thing." Well then, how will they grow? To completely take away their challenges defeats the purpose of their mortal lives; we don't have the right to remove our children's trials completely. We can follow promptings to abate danger or unnecessary trials, but if something bad happens despite our doing everything right, it must be for the highest good, and we can't blame ourselves. Rogue physical accidents, mistakes children make, even uninvited, unthinkable acts from evil people can be healed by Christ. We can help our children to Christ, and help them seek Divine assistance to clear their own waters. 

In conclusion, we are meant to be who we are, where we are, and when we are in this earth's timeline. We have a job that can help others, but I believe it must be sought. The "woe is me" attitude is earth-bound and exceedingly myopic; the challenges we have to overcome are grand, healing opportunities, potentially more far-reaching than we can see! We can joyfully overcome physical appetites and pass that to our families. We can absorb mental illness and praise God in all things until He delivers us through it, whether in this life or the next. We can use resources to heal from a destructive upbringing and pass unconditional love to all who surround and follow us. We can be the strong ones if we ask for help. We can break cycles, demolish curses, and absorb poisons, while inviting the burning, white, fiery love of Jesus Christ to consume all the darkness until they are no more in us, and our glorious bodies burn with His loving light.