Let Children Teach

Children sometimes intimidate me.

 

For example, just two weeks after we got married, I began serving as the sunbeam teacher (three- to four-year olds) at church every week. For two hours, these tiny people were my responsibility. Later, I got a co-teacher, and we wrangled these cute, but busy sunbeams on the front row of the junior primary group every week.

 

It stressed me out because I felt that the sunbeams' occasional bad behavior was a reflection on me and showed that I could not handle children, even though my entire childhood I helped newborns up to teens in my own family. I felt like a bad teacher because my sunbeams weren't reverent. I had a lot to do, transitioning these people from the free-for-all snack- and toyland of nursery to sit-and-be-reverent primary, and I was failing. I took it very hard week to week. I stayed at that post for two years, and it never got easier.

 

Looking back, I wish I could have just realized that three- and four-year-olds are not designed to sit still and be reverent. They don't understand politeness or their own bladders very well. They are unable to understand the teacher's hurt feelings when they are being rowdy or the other kids' feeling when they get in a squabble. They love the teacher, but they don't know how to say it. They have short attention spans.

 

The other adults in the room probably weren't judging how well I could handle little people; they were just grateful I was there (and, maybe, that the sunbeams weren't their responsibility).

 

So anyway, I should have chilled out and smiled more. A lot more.

 

 

Today, I got a long-awaited phone call from someone who has been giving me fits about an issue. I almost got nasty over the phone. I was so irritated afterward that I wished I could slam my phone down on the hook (pressing "End" on the smartphone just doesn't have the same satisfaction). With ridiculous policies of this subjective, beaurocratic process racing through my brain, I got up to get my children lunch. I wanted to call my husband and vent (it's an issue we're both invested in), but I got swept away as I spread cream cheese on a bagel, sliced an apple, and shook milk in a chocolate syrup container to get the drippings out. My children were pleased as punch with their favorite things. They jabbered on at me, and I enjoyed it so much. I noticed how cute they were in their matching outfits as we talked about how to be polite and use manners. Then they put on their shoes and headed to a neighbor's house for a playdate. I watched them from the porch and wished I could bottle up the moment—their sweetness, their cute disregard for treading on grass, their matching outfits, their height difference, the way my daughter's ponytail swished side to side, the way my son's new shoes slipped off his heels just a little. I was placid and joyful. Those people are MINE FOREVER!

 

Then it occurred to me.

 

My children had distracted me from my angst and turned the minutes afterwards into the most delightful part of my day.

 

They taught me by example.

 

They have small worries and great joy. They didn't pick up on my issues. They don't know what beaurocracy is. They don't care about the past or the future. They live right now and are glad in the present. They gave me just what I needed—a reminder that the present is just right, that things work out, that we are miraculously provided for, that good surprises are just around the corner. In this moment, without even realizing it, my children taught me to trust God with my issues.

 

No wonder Jesus Christ wants us to be like children. It seems like a pretty sweet, simple way to live.

 

Perhaps I should have listened to those sunbeams better all those years ago—at their wonder and whimsy and joy for life, their trust that they would be taken care of, their delight in small things, their good-natured boasting, their freely-given compliments and little gifts from their hearts like a sticker or half a gum wrapper. Instead, I had been more concerned about how I looked.

 

When did I stop having the wonder I had as a child? When did I stop loving everyone and everything with all I had? When did I start judging? When did I stop trusting I would be taken care of by my loving parents or Heavenly Parents? When did I start thinking it was all up to me?

 

I'm grateful for children and the lessons they teach us when we slow down enough to watch and listen. I'm going to try to believe that everything will work out in this issue we're dealing with. I'm going to be joyful today.

Imminent Change

You know that feeling you get before an exciting change?

 

You've been looking forward to it.

You thought it would never come.

You've been hoping for it.

You can't wait for it—

And suddenly it's upon you.

 

Like starting at a new school,

Making a big purchase that you have been saving for,

Zipping up your bag the night before a trip,

Walking into a hair salon for a big chop,

Driving in to sign the mortgage papers,

Or deliver a baby.

 

The excited butterflies you've had since forever

Feel more like a bellyache

And you kind of frown inside.

 

Because, don't you feel a bit of…DREAD?

Like, am I ready?

Am I sure about this?

Have I thought this through?

Do I really want to go through with this?

It was the right thing then, and then, and then—

Is it the right thing NOW?

 

Wait—it HAS to be.

And by gum, I have to be stubborn about this and

DO IT.

Like I decided,

Then, and then, and then.

 

I've got this.

I was born ready.

It's time.

Bring it.

Hit me.

 

Probably?

Just, drive around the block.

Ok, let's go.

Wait! Just two seconds.

Great. I'm cool.

HANG ON!

I had the power. Now I'm just not—

 

Wait, what?

I'm done?

It's over?

Heh, good thing I didn't freak out or anything.

That would have been aaawkward.

Lucky

I've been wanting to write all day, but I haven't known the subject. And then it came to me. 

I am lucky. 

Lucky, blessed, however you want to say it, I'm that. 

I have a HUGE extended family in many branches that I can be myself with. All of our Selfs are celebrated. That's what family is. 

My parents talk about how great I am to other people--and sometimes I overhear it, or they boast right in front of me. I'm always gleefully surprised. I love hearing parent pride from anybody, but especially them. I bet our Heavenly Parents talk about us too. That makes my heart want to burst!

I don't know how, but I was blessed to marry the sweetest, stubbornest man on the planet Earth, and we have two good children that keep delighting us. I don't get it. How did we get here, with them, and how were we ever NOT together?? I love our family's good-naturedness and humor. I am so lucky. 

Life surprises keep popping up like friendly, dewy clover. Some I like to pick, and some I try to pull, but they're all made of the same stuff: blessings. And they're all miraculously growing from the same source: God's light. Left and right, there they are. How can one person get so many opportunities to grow? How can Heavenly Father have so much confidence in me? Would I put money on me? If Heavenly Father knows I'm good enough, maybe I better get used to the idea too. 

I live in a great time and place, and I have the Gift of the Holy Ghost along with amazing technology and huge access to earthly and heavenly knowledge. Like, WOW. Really. How miraculous has YOUR day been so far?! Think about it. 

I feel like crying sometimes, or saying a bad word, or being nasty. But after Heavenly Father picks me up out of the mud again and kisses my forehead before We press forward on this rickety path, I feel okay for awhile. I seem to know another slump will come, but Heavenly Father's Hand is always well within my reach. I just get to choose whether to grasp it. 

One week left of IV antibiotics, guys. One more week of predictable crazy. Everything after that is a surprise. I wonder, whatever will it be? I bet I'll run into more luck and more clover. 

TMI Tag Questions

(I think these are fun, and I won't refuse this tag, though I will skip some questions as they don't apply. I like filling out superfluous questionaires.)

1: What are you wearing? A grandma-type nightgown. Because I can. Ha!
2: Ever been in love? TOTES! To my husband! And my dad when I was little...aaaaand still to this day. If he had asked me to marry him when I was three, I totally would have, and I would have thought I had the only prince in all the land. 
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Nah. Ew.  My husband was my first boyfriend, even though I had dated lots of guys for extended periods before him. Dodged a lot of bullets, methinks. We were only boyfriend/girlfriend for like 2 1/2 weeks, because when you know, you know, you know?
4: How tall are you? 5'6"
5: How much do you weigh? 105 lbs--trying to gain 15! Definitely binging on smoked Gouda even though my belly is like, "WHAT THE HECK, YOU FOOL!"
6: Any tattoos? Not a one. 
7: Any piercings? One hole in each earlobe, thank you very much. 
9: Favorite show? The Dick Van Dyke Show, the Cosby Show, Psych, America's Test Kitchen, 30-Minute Meals with Rachael Ray, Rick Steves' Europe, cheesy Disney shows, because I can. (Lizzy McGuire! Even Stevens! Anyone?)
10: Favorite bands? I'm not hugely into popular music. Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band? The Carpenters' Christmas album? Alfie Boe! Piano Guys? I like random songs from random groups, but I can't commit to just one. I will say this though: if the band members look unkempt (what the HAIR?!) and distressed, I'm usually out. Can't take that energy...yuck. 
11: Something you miss? Dancing. Being healthy and having boundless energy. Moving houses a lot and living in Europe. Being pregnant. Road trips. Eating all the things. 
12: Favorite song? Greensleeves. I have many favorites, but this one pretty much wins. 
15: Quality you look for in a partner? We're a LOT alike, and it helps so much! Laughter and childlike humor. Purity. Spiritual leadership. Testimony. Selflessness. Level-headedness. Smarts. Work ethic. Height (my only physical near-requirement when I was single, and my husband gets an "exceeds expectations!"). My husband has it all. 
16: Favorite Quote? So many to choose from. I'll pick the one I have hanging closest to me on the wall: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain." Splash in this puddles and laugh, baby!
17: Favorite actor? Dick Van Dyke, Jimmy Stewart, Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly. Actresses: Julie Andrews, Emma Watson (as Hermione), Vera Ellen (when she dances).  
18: Favorite color? Magenta!
19: Loud music or soft? Soft in the earbuds, loud on the dance floor. 
20: Where do you go when you're sad? To my bed or AWAY (at least in my mind)--a change of scenery or a drive, something to shake out the vibe and clear the air. 
21: How long does it take you to shower? Five minutes. Lather, rinse, GET OUT! I shave once a week because my hair is fair and fine, so that day it's probably double the time. 
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? If I'm getting dolled up, from shower through breakfast is about an hour, maybe an hour and twenty if I keep changing outfits (I'm notorious for this). 
23: Ever been in a physical fight? Petty pinches and shoves with my siblings when we were young. I'm not proud. 
24: Turn on? I love my husband's light, his aura, his purity of heart. I also love his intrinsic scent--the way he smells sans fragrance. He's cuddly too--very nice. 
25: Turn off? In personality? Creeper tendencies, crude manners, foul language, negative attitude, attitude of entitlement, poor hygiene. 
27: Fears? Standard parent safety fears for my children. Pain attacks. That I won't get better. Social anxiety (that's the Lyme brain, I think). 
28: Last thing that made you cry? A blog post I wrote, then didn't publish. It's a journal entry now. 
29: Last time you said you loved someone? Right before I kissed my sweetheart goodnight. He's so easy to love. 
31: Last book you read? A junior reader version of "Inside Out," the movie coming out next week. I think I know how the movie will go now. It might be deep. Can't wait to see it. I liked the book. 
32: The book you're currently reading? I'm waiting for Stargirl to arrive at my door. I think it will either be empowering or weird. I bought it for a penny. 
33: Last show you watched? A Disney show, "Lab Rats," last night while I was trying to keep my mind off of puking during my infusion. 
34: Last person you talked to? My hunnybunnygoogoobear. 
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Him, again. Pretty dang good. Eternal marriage and growing love, and all that!
36: Favorite food? Thanksgiving dinner, ESPECIALLY MADE-FROM-SCRATCH STUFFING! Ain't nothing finer. Wisconsin Cauliflower soup from Zupas. My mom's potato cheese soup. Fire-roasted beef tostada drenched in dressing from Cafe Rio. Mexican. All of these foods give me, like, major emotional experiences, with crying and everything. AH! I want a cinnamon roll now. These are all forbidden. I don't really have foods available that bring me joy. It's like brushing my teeth: I do it cuz I hafta. Glad I can swallow though. 
37: Place you want to visit? Right now, the UK the most. I dream of it. Literally. 
38: Last place you were? The planetarium with my family. 
39: Do you have a crush? TOTES, on HUBBY McAWESOMEGUY!
40: Last time you kissed someone? A few minutes ago. Him. Always. 
41: Last time you were insulted? Today, about something I was wearing, by the nurse who was changing my dressing. Maybe I was just being sensitive. I can wear a 3/4-length shirt on a warm day if I want to! Especially to cover my PICC line. So there. 
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? Easy. Browned sugar and butter: caramel, toffee, penuche fudge, get in my belly!  
43: What instruments do you play? Ok, lots, but not well. Piano (extreme stage fright), flute, piccolo, Irish tin whistle, guitar, and learning ukulele. I'm most comfortable on guitar, flute, and the pennywhistle. 
44: Favorite piece of jewelery? My wedding band and a plain little CZ pendant on a delicate chain. It's darling. Someday I'd like an opal pendant for everyday. It has lots of significance to me. 
45: Last sport you played? I threw a frisbee to my dog? I walked a little?
46: Last song you sang? You know Jimmy Fallon's "Tight Pants" song? Well I sang these words to that tune: "Everywhere I go I've got my seat belt, I've got my seat belt, I've got my seat belt on." Our kids were buckling up in the car after the planetarium. 
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? Today. My family. Also, my sisters and my mom: I helped her pack for an upcoming trip because I have tons of packing hacks and am a packing ninja. No, really. 
50: Who should answer these questions next? Anyone! Everyone!...Anyone?

Hope you had fun. Odd questions, odd answers, but...there ya go. 

Review of Antibiotics and (Almost) Getting My Arm Back, Eeeee!

It's the little things. 

In honor of stopping IV antibiotics next week, I'd like to give a review for posterity's sake of each one, because, hello!, FUN TIMES!

I have done each IV daily from home, four nights in a row (usually Monday through Thursday). Every week I switch antibiotics. Next week will wrap up three months (fourteen weeks) of this regimen. Wee!

Week 1: Rocephin 2 g

This is, by far, my favorite antibiotic of the roundup. It takes a half hour to infuse and has the fewest side effects. All it really does is make me really tired the next day. It's great. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Week 2: Azithromycin 500 mg

This antibiotic makes me feel pukey. I have a strong stomach and can usually resist the gag reflex, but this one almost does me in from the very start. Worse, it takes two hours to infuse. The things that help are 1) having food in my stomach, 2) dipping into a very small, very old stash of zofran twenty minutes before, and 3) having water and something to suck on at the ready to reverse the gag reflex by swallowing. I also keep a bowl handy just in case; I came oh so close once, with the chills and the sweats and the watery mouth. It passed in about five minutes though. Luckily, I can clamp the IV off for a few minutes if it gets too intense, and the nausea goes away not long after the infusion is done. 

This antibiotic also makes my ears ring pretty loudly for quite a long time, from a few days to three weeks. That's a boatload of fun. As long as I avoid silence, I don't notice this much. I am also wiped out after this antibiotic, obvi. 

Week 3: Clindamycin 1200 mg

This antibiotic is nasty, and by nasty I mean that it tastes and smells like bile. I smell it coming out of my pores that week. My body fluids are horrific: I leave a bad smell in the bathroom after going number one. The smell makes me feel like saying bad words. 

It's frightfully fascinating how awful something can taste when it's being infused into your body. Last time I had this antibiotic, I told my husband I was breaking my own sugar rules and requested Jolly Ranchers, wintogreen Life Savers, and gum to help me out during infusions. I just can't bear it, I tell you; it's too much. E to the W, EW! I drink tons of water to flush it out as soon as possible. I'm not nauseous or anything else--just tired  (and stinky? sorry world) the next day. 

Week 4: Penicillin, unknown dose (and cancelled in its second round)

Oh penicillin, we all remember YOU. You're that little bedlamite that made me itch, get hives and puffy lips, have explosive GI reactions, and go a little CRAY CRAY. I blame you--now stand in the corner and think about what you s done. You and your relatives are no longer welcome in my body. Harrumph. 

Having this much stuff makes my liver and spleen work hard with the die-off. I'm supposed to get a basic set of labs every couple weeks to check on my body systems and blood count. They're kind of a train wreck, but that's because of the active warfare taking place. If you think of your worst cold or flu ever, and how run down you were with your immune system in hyperdrive, that's what my body is doing all the live long day, every darn day, for like, years now. The antibiotics help, but all the while I've had to focus on strengthening my own immune system (which was pooped out when we started all this) so I don't relapse after all this hard work. 

Thus, I approach the next few weeks with trepidation as the outcome of all this treatment will manifest. With all that I am, I hope I'm getting better. It's been kicks and giggles, but I'd like to get off this merry-go-round now.  ¡POR FAVOR!

Not that it's up to me exactly...otherwise, I'd be over this by now. 

I am SO EXCITED to get my PICC line out next week. Guys! I can take a shower without sealing off my dressing. Or a bath. Or use my sauna. I can wear longer sleeves without looking exceptionally buff on one side. I can lift my kids. I can step into the rain without sleeves. I can sweat and not wonder if a rash is breaking out under an airtight dressing. I can scratch my dang arm whenever the heck I wanna. I can and help my kids in the bath and scrub toilets. I can NOT go to the hospital every two days to have my arm scrubbed and dressed in sterile gauze because I keep breaking out in blisters. I can go to bed without having my sweetheart flush my IV first. It will be so utterly awesome to have my arm back after these additional three months off PICC line fun. Eeeeee, I'm stoked!

I think that is plenty of updates. I've felt a lot of doubt lately, but I don't want to write about that every two shakes, because, EW!

Hope all is well for you, my pretties. Mucho amor and stuff. XOXO!