Update on Childbearing Post

The views in this post are not meant to be generalizations for everyone. This blog chronicles MY journey through these ailments. This is something I have had to work through lately. (Any personal questions? Let me know. I am pretty open and good at getting specific...but don't want to share the nitty gritty with the whole internet.)

When we got married, my husband and I made our long-term plans around having a very large family. I felt my WORTH was defined by being a childbearing mother. All my life, I had wanted to marry, have a large family, and be a stay-at-home mother. That was my understanding of what God and His prophets had asked us to do, and I was eager to do it!

What I did not know then is that our WORTH comes from being Children of our Heavenly Father. That's it. We can't make Him love us any less or any more. Our worth is infinite and is not based on performance or living up to self-imposed labels (like "childbearing mother" was for me). 

Even though I wanted to conceive immediately after our second child was born, I knew, after seeking my own witness from Heavenly Father, that it was not right. I clung to this assurance for years as I kept asking; it conflicted with our seemingly worthy goal of having a large family. 

Diagnoses eventually rolled in. There are some disconcerting medical considerations for my body. First, my nutrient absorption (especially for folate and B vitamins) is less than optimal, and could lead to spinal cord defects. (I'm not too concerned about this; babies are the best parasites and take what they need...but I don't know if I have enough to give.) Also, Lyme passes to babies. What a hard start to life that could be. It could be hard for me too: even if I become entirely well again, pregnancy could trigger recurring Lyme, since it is a bacteria that acts like a virus. Pregnancy seemed to trigger my current Lyme episode nearly seven years ago. And my husband feared for me throughout my childbearing years.

As a nurse, I like to consider and know about these risks, but I do not believe in always taking counsel from the facts or my fears. I believe in miracles. I know God can do anything. Maybe a miracle would happen: I would get well, stay well, and keep adding to our family after all. Maybe I just needed to learn stuff first...

However, I also believe that God does not want us to run faster than we have strength, and that we each have weaknesses and earthly limitations. I had to accept my life and my body as it was.

Eventually, I acknowledged the danger it would be to grow a baby based on my diagnoses. I could be a risky host, a danger to the baby and myself. That is when I really started studying out the possibility of having only our two children in this life.  

I asked God to help me find my worth as His daughter and not as a "childbearing mother." I knew this could shatter my paradigm and rearrange my world--my ideals and dreams. But He came through and helped me shed the label with heavenly peace.  

Once I was ok with myself, I talked it over with my sweetheart. We studied it out together and asked God what His will is for us. We undeniably knew that our current family is exactly as it should be, and we should not be concerned for the future. We felt sweet peace together.

In fact, shedding my labels helped me fall asleep feeling positively GIDDY with joy and peace. It was HEAVENLY, not at all from this world. I slept soundly for ten solid hours and had the most precious, sacred dream all night long. I awoke refreshed, still overjoyed with exquisite happiness. I felt more "myself" than I had in years. Eternity spoke to my heart! I was operating at a higher frequency all that night and into the morning. It was PERFECT! 

FINDING my journey and ACCEPTING it was COMPLETELY liberating. I was glad to forsake my plan and take on God's plan for us. Life has been so much more peaceful now that I am not kicking against my Father's plan for me and fighting for my own. The inner contention was dark enough to devour me if I didn't turn my will. 

I can either praise God in all things, or I can "curse God and die." I can accept His superior path, or my own myopic path. Only one ultimately leads to happiness. I choose to follow my Father!

In the days that followed (when doubt always creeps in after a great spiritual manifestation), I set out to validate or disprove our answer. I looked up all the LDS talks and quotes I could find about childbearing. I saved for last the teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, the most outspoken authority on childbearing that I knew of. 

A few remarkable things happened. 

First, I internalized the prophets' messages in a new way. I felt their love and concern instead of criticism. To me, their concern came from prophetic foresight about difficulties in the latter days. It also came from experience, knowing that many couples have a smaller window in which to bear children than they expect. My children came like a one-two punch, just thirteen months apart, prior to my health problems becoming debilitating. How grateful I am they are here and that they have each other! 

Second, I noticed that even President Kimball acknowledged that the mother's health needs to be taken into account. I want to deny my issues, but they're real. This also gives some credibility to my risk factors.  

Third, the Holy Ghost told me to stop looking for answers; I had been given everything I needed with my first assurance. All this extra research could lead to confusion if I continued to seek it out. I felt sufficiently rebuked. :)

I am adjusting to our "new" family life. I revert and feel sad once in awhile, but then I feel so satisfied and peaceful. I remember the other-worldly giddiness I have felt. I grow in confidence every day. We are excited to have each day together and to see what our family's mission will be. 

I feel grateful for Heavenly Father's plan and His kindness in my search for answers. He wants each of us to follow His plan for us, and He is more loving and understanding than we can ever realize.