Eternal Friends

(Hear me out. The rambling ends shortly.)

I'm not even sure what to write about. I just know I haven't written in awhile.

If you read the last post, I am still in the storm I spoke about. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing or just the assault and die-off happening in my body. 

One thing is for sure though: I am tired. 

Before this evening, I got out of a lying position in bed a grand total of two times. I didn't have the strength to reach over and lift my water bottle. My brain was a fog. My bony body dug into the mattress with every position, and I had to really think if it was necessary to move before I did. For the first time in my life, I am mindful of bedsores and blood clot risk from all this bedrest, so I make myself move and flex to keep the blood flowing. But reaching for my water? Today, that was asking a bit much. 

But it's evening now, and my mind is warmed up. I suddenly think I know what to write about. It's a subject that I've been pondering, without judgment or any negative emotions...just an objective view. The subject I've thought about so much is FRIENDS. 

Let me back this discussion up with how I've done with friends in the past. We moved every few years because of my dad's job in the Air Force. My nuclear family became my best friends right quick. I personally learned how to be the new kid over time, and that it was much more awkward to let time pass waiting for friends than it was to walk up to someone and introduce myself. Military kids often learn how to break the ice and make friends, or at least get to know people. Some places were vastly more friendly than others. As good as I became with introductions (even though it was way outside my comfort zone), my introverted nature took over during vulnerable times, like when I was bullied or ostracized (for my faith, smarts, skin color, standards, shyness, etc.). Yet somehow, I had this feeling during the several bespectacled years of school in which I sat alone at lunch that I was alone, but not lonely. I knew myself and knew there were people at home who loved me and would be friends with me without copying my homework or trying to get me to swear. I also felt surrounded by a pillow of angels wherever I went, and I was safe from the short-lived foolishness of passing trends, inflated brand names, and juvenile insults.

You know how it goes after that. 

I had a handful of people to eat lunch with during high school. Graduation happened, and I never saw some of them again. College happened, and I met new friends. Motherhood happened and I met new friends. Work happened, and I met new friends. And at each new stage, even reaching back to Joy School at age three, some friends fell away, and some remained as permanent treasures to me. 

Illness happened. As my lifestyle changed again, I knew my friend landscape would change too. I knew I would lose friends and gain new friends, just like every stage of my life. I would learn about my own loyalty and the loyalty of others. And I would become more deeply acquainted with my friends beyond the veil. 

Some friends who I have always reached out to have faded away. I don't judge them; I have faded from them too. We are each busy carrying our load. Our paths, though entwined at just the right times, have distance between them. Or perhaps they run alongside each other, but we are too busy hunched over with a load on our backs to look around, and we are too out of breath to converse (especially on the steep inclines). 

It's okay. It's really, seriously okay. I can't reach out any better than I can reach out, and neither can they. We're all doing the best we can. My value isn't based on how many friends I have and how often we get together, though I am enriched by the people in whose lives I have been placed and from whom I have learned lessons. I love all of my friends, even the friends disguised as misled bullies. You're precious. 

I think of new friends, or new-old friends I'm getting reacquainted with. A dear woman one generation older than me has become my friend. I can't believe she's mortal because she glows like an angel to me. Our paths had never met, but joined at just the right moment. She is several months ahead of me in the Lyme process, and we have different bodies, but she is an encouragement and mentor to me in this endeavor to be at peace and be well. Chronically ill people can become very wise and in tune, and she is always a few steps ahead of me in her spiritual journey. I appreciate her glow; she gives it freely, and sends it to me from far away sometimes with a text message or even gifts left for me at the doctor's office we both go to. I have found that I rely on her strength. She is a choice friend to me. 

My family is dutifully vigilant in my care. The sacrifices some members make are indescribable and unfathomable to me; I  am stunned. I can't begin to understand my parents' (natural and in-law) love for me. I am amazed. And my sweet, busy family members...I don't mind that they all don't come rushing to help; they have loads to carry too. I've been there. Our relationships have changed, but it's okay; I am submissive instead of a leader, and I think some of my siblings don't know how to interact with me in this way. I don't know quite how to handle this new dynamic either, how to be submissive to illness. But in my empty days I do love when they'll say hello and that they're praying for me. I am grateful that our spirits are sealed together and connect on a higher level. I find joy in my family and look forward to when the veil is lifted from our eyes so we can perfectly understand each other with compassionate, loving regard. I can't wait to understand the depths and glory of my living family members. I think I'd be tempted to worship them if I could see their full glory now. All I can do is assume it and pray for them as they are caught in their busy-ness. Bless them. 

I mentioned spiritual friends, the loving family members beyond the veil who watch over and guide me. I believe there is a loving transparency in us even though we are mortal; those spirits that watch over us can read everything about us. Our angels regard us with deep, nonjudgmental compassion, and mine consistently watch over me. Sometimes when I feel encouraging whisperings in my heart, I know it's them. Each message has its own flavor, color, and personality. Those angels of mine care. They are guiding and preserving my life until my work is finished here, just as your angels are guiding and preserving you at all times. 

I believe that as soon as anyone who made the right, sacred covenants here on earth is received into heaven, he or she is made a steward over their family in teaching and ministering, both in heaven and earth. Part of my work here is to find more of my deceased family through family history. Once those souls are saved and have made covenants with mortal help, they can minister and be a strength to their descendants on the earth. I think our families need all the strength they can get in these latter days. Our ancestors' salvation really is our salvation too. 

I think of people who minister to me who act as angels, with a friendly smile, a kind note, offers for help, fasting and prayer, random acts of kindness, gifts, positive regard, a sense of stewardship over my well-being. I thank you, and I love you. You are ANGELS. 

Someone who has become my friend more and more is Jesus Christ. Many years ago, before I had many problems and didn't rely on the Atonement much, I asked Heavenly Father to help me to develop a relationship with Jesus. I just didn't know how to go about reaching Him; even though I ended every prayer in His name, I knew I shouldn't pray to Him. But I wanted to know Him. 

By Heavenly Father's grace, my prayer is finally being answered, and in such an unexpectedly perfect way. Jesus is my Personal Friend. Heavenly Father has let me feel some of the extremity Jesus felt. I am acquainted with difficult qualities of the mortal experience so much better now that my prayer to know Jesus is being answered. It is a sacred time for me because I need Jesus so much. He knows my needs, and when I ask for help, He sends my family, both living and spirit, and others, to minister to me. I imagine Him personally helping me sometimes. I feel so grand and blessed to be His little sister. His image fills my mind when I really need a boost. I know Him. I believe Him. He is my First Responder and the one I cry out to in my most trying moments. My name is on His Hands. 

Finally, I love my Heavenly Parents. My sweet Mother in Heaven is still my ever-faithful Mother, ministering to me in ways that maybe only a mother can. I used to forget about Her. She is the most heightened form of Woman and Mother existing, and I need Her as my Mother. I need Her feminine strength and assurance and comforting. And I know She gives it all in the highest, most loving form possible. 

I love my Heavenly Father so much. He is the Author of my perfect story. He doesn't stand on the sidelines while I get injured on the playing field or haggardly run the race or fill in the bubble sheet of my test. I am His WORK! He is in the minutest details of my eternal life, not just this mortal life. I am His GLORY! He wants me back in His arms again with all the growing He hoped for me. 

God arranged with me the trials and missions I would have; He sent me to the right family to grow in the ways I needed to; He entwined my path with those of my friends; and He sends angels to be my help and encouragement. He has a plan for me and for you. And it's all laid out, personalized and perfect. He is right here, in every moment, so we can grow in amazing ways and become like Him. 

I have joy in my friends. I look forward to having full comprehension of all the people who have passed through my eternal life when this veil is lifted. What a joy it will be to bask in the love and light of Friends.