Disenchanted

It seems that I am not responding predictably to my treatments. I'm stumping my doctor, and that is frustrating. She won't give up, but it makes me wonder what all my work, time, and money has been good for if I'm not making positive advances beyond just not getting WORSE. I can tell my doctor is disappointed: this bright, young mom in childbearing years has a big crimp in her groove that she hasn't been able to iron out yet. 

I thought I was going along like a normal person like me when my doctor said I'm just not responding right. Dang! I mean, maybe all I've done is indeed payment toward the end result I want, but I don't KNOW that. I don't like feeling like I may have to go back to square one and figure out what else might be wrong. How can I physically endure much more?

I went from working full time to spending way more than I was earning every month on getting better...and I'm starting to wonder...what now?

On Monday, I'll see a neurosurgeon for the first time. The neurologist I saw awhile ago referred me to this neurosurgeon to get a second opinion and also so I can have a neurosurgeon who knows me in case things go south (I feel grateful for the referral but also a bit perturbed at the possibility of tanking). There is a structure in my brain that is 160 times larger than normal; I'll learn more about it on Monday. 

I once again feel sick and tired of being sick and tired. Suggestions pour in from friends, family, and strangers of modalities that worked for a friend of a friend or some relation, and each has a 200% guarantee of working. My suggestion box is full, and I don't have the money to try every dang thing. I don't care anymore about the chemistry, or the energy, or legislation to legalize stuff, or that your way is just freaking magic. I'm tired of orders and prescriptions and suggestions. Instead of feeling open to trying new things, I now feel like running away with my hands over my ears. 

In my imagination, I call time out in this boxing match because I'm so tired of fighting. 

But if I stop fighting, will I slip backwards if I HAVE been making progress?

Having used different combinations of treatments for several months, I am believing less and less that there is one or even a combination of magic things that will cure me. Though my symptoms betray this belief, most days I feel I will somehow, someday get better. But today, I feel like unlacing the boxing gloves, icing my face, and maybe retiring from the ring so I can live my life. 

I can either push through upcoming aggressive treatments, or just quit. Quitting sounds mighty easy. All this trouble I've gone to may pay off, but today I'm feeling awfully disenchanted.