Follow Up on My S.O.S. Message

(Note: All my posts take courage to write, but this one really did.) 

I have not written a clear follow-up about the crisis I had earlier this month. (Do you remember the S.O.S. message I sent out on Facebook? That.) This experience changed my paradigm in a few ways, and I feel like I need to testify of what I learned.

Here is the breakdown of events.

On Monday, May 4th, in the evening, I suddenly felt as though I had swallowed a whole handful of capsule-type pills at once and that they had stuck together and lodged in my esophagus. I hadn't eaten or drank in at least 45 minutes. Swallowing broke up the building spasmodic pain for a few seconds, but then it would resume. I thought I had a large buildup of Lyme happening in my guts again, so I had my husband start my first IV of the week: penicillin. The pain persisted, but I felt through the Spirit that I didn't need to go to the emergency room. I asked my friend who zones (reflexology) if she could squeeze me in that evening. My antibiotic finished, and my husband capped my PICC line after our family pulled up to our friend's house. 

The pain came and went like a spasm; it was right behind my sternum, so I concluded it was either a spasm, a heart attack, or a blood clot. Zoning revealed that my esophagus, stomach, and heart were all golden, but the sphincter between my esophagus and stomach was spasming. I was relieved to know I wasn't losing heart tissue. The pain intensified after I left, but by the early morning hours, I was okay.

On Tuesday, May 5th, I felt occasional spasmotic aftershocks and was just sick and couldn't eat. I felt a lot of fear of my body and how it would act, feeling separated from it somehow. Crazy thoughts started flirting through the stage of my mind. I went to a really dark place where I considered, for the first time in my life, self harm. I even took a pen to my forearm and wrote all the negative messages I was feeling, bust washed it all off before anyone could see. It was a crazy, almost out-of-body feeling because I felt no control. I wanted to run away and take a train to Denver or turn off my location services and drive to the bookstore and read books. I felt trapped and like I needed to get away, but I didn't have strength to stand much less drive anywhere. My husband worked, and my children watched TV all day. By evening, I had wanted to break free all day, and since I couldn't get out, my husband let me have some alone time while he took the kids went grocery shopping. I don't blame him because he didn't know what was going on in my mind, but if I had been him and been a mind reader, I would NOT have let myself stay home alone. It was hellish and horrific. I wanted to just stop being. It was the wildest, darkest, most hellish day I've ever had.

I believe it was on this day that I texted an S.O.S. message to my family members and pasted it to my Facebook wall so people could pray for me. I was desperate and needed immediate relief more acutely than I have ever felt in my life.

Adding to this, I was beginning to itch everywhere. My lip felt like it was stung by a bee, then swelled up. I didn't notice I was breaking the skin and that hives were forming. I had my husband start my penicillin when he and the kids got home. Meanwhile, I stayed in the same muu muu I'd slept in the night before, and I brooded, wildly hating my life. (It's hard for me to admit all this, so be kind.)

On Wednesday, May 6th, I was low. I was oh, so low. I was too sick to have wild thoughts. I was too tired to write on myself. I discovered the hives after scratching all through the night again. My lips swelled up. I took Benadryl. I called my doctor's office and told them I was quitting my IV for the rest of the week. It seems I had acquired an allergy to penicillin and not been able to reason through it. It made me go crazy. The rest of the day I rested and recovered from the past two days of illness. Again, I couldn't eat much, but I was grateful the sphincter spasms were gone, and I was grateful for Benadryl. I thought on the horror of the previous day and wondered what it all meant.

On Thursday, May 7th, we kept our appointed time slot to visit the Payson Temple open house. I packed a purse with emergency stuff (including a puke bag) and held it on my lap while my husband pushed me through all the floors of the temple in my wheelchair. Partway through, the plastic around my wheels gave way (they had been wrapped to keep the temple carpets clean), and I had to use the first aid station's wheelchair instead. I got my comfy, streamlined chair back at the end and was so grateful to have been able to withstand this day. There was profound beauty and peace everywhere in the temple. I got to be on ear-level with my children, and I whispered to them the things they should look for and told them to note how they felt in the beautiful temple. In the Celestial Room, I asked them how they felt, and I remember they said "happy" and "love." I asked them if they now understood why we want our own home to feel like the temple, and they GOT IT. We later talked together about how important it is to only bring good influences into our home so the same Spirit we feel in the temple can be in our home. We talked about why it's important to love each other, get along, and keep our home orderly and clean. They were excited to contribute more at home because of our peaceful experience in the temple.

And now, the lessons.

A few days later, I talked to a woman whom I love. I learned more about her world. Inside her head, she lives in an especially dark world every single day. She had considered self harm and even acted upon it. I let her talk as long as she liked, and then I realized what a GIFT my hellish day had been. It had given me a new empathy. I'd thought I had empathy for people who suffer in their mind, but I experienced it to a new degree on that day when I wrote hateful messages on my arm while contemplating using sharp object (so unlike me!). I understood not being able to feel, not being happy or sad, just desperate to know if and why you're alive. I understood the feelings of wanting to disappear and stop existing. (I've actually infrequently lived in that place since I had my first baby and experienced postpartum depression which has never let up.) I could sit and cry with this woman. I understood. And then I understood why "Jesus wept." He knows acutely the hell and distance that people can feel in mortality. That hell is not knowing where you are and where God is, and can be entirely out of one's control due to other factors. I couldn't take this woman's hurt away, and I couldn't restore her memory of how much she is loved by God; but I could hold her, and I could know my own version of her hurt. I was so grateful for that terrible day I'd had so I could be with this woman, validate her feelings with my own recent experience, and feel I could weep cry with her. I hope I was a safe place for her to bear her heart.

Another lesson I learned is about the power of prayer. I concluded that my day of wild thinking was because I was reacting negatively to the penicillin and maybe the toxins being put out by my organs.

Generally, if I know people are praying for me, I try to be receptive to their faith in my behalf. But the day I sent the S.O.S. message to all of you, I was too out of my mind to be faithfully receptive. It was all I could do not to curse God; I just can't do that. I just enough sense to know it wasn't His fault and that somehow He was blessing me in this way. If I was patient enough, I would see the importance of this difficulty sometime. 

But WITHIN 15 MINUTES of my message being posted and texted, I felt a lift. An edge was taken off. Something was better, something felt lighter. Maybe I was stronger, or maybe the forces of what was happening in my body were kept at bay enough for me to not do anything dangerous. IT WAS REAL, PEOPLE. PRAYER WORKS. Prayer delivered me. In retrospect, I imagine that for every positive thought directed my way and every prayer uttered in my behalf, a crew of angels took a degree of darkness from me or added a countering boost of light. They may have even neutralized some of the toxic processes happening in my body so I could stay safe. I don't know how it went down; I just know I made it through the day, and I am okay. God was giving me my highest good. Thank you for praying for me! 

Regarding my current treatment and feeling so confused, I know that certain things have worked concretely to help my body. 

As much as I want to deny it (being sort of anti-antibiotic myself), my IV antibiotic regimen has helped me. It's stopped my sciatic pain and uneven gait and joint pain, cleared my mind enough to think well sometimes, restored some of my memory capacity, and given me just a degree more energy week to week. I'm not "cured," but I know IV antibiotics have helped minimized symptoms (besides the penicillin; I fired it, doncha know).

God's gift through my friend who does zoning has kept my organs functioning. God has moved die-off and toxins through my body and allowed my organs not not become too overburdened (although my liver is overburdened often, and sometimes my kidneys [per labs]; you can pray for them if you like). 

I also know my Paleo diet has helped keep inflammation down in my body and kept my guts from having daily pain.

Emotional work has put my head in the right place so I can understand how to physically use the Atonement in my life and also approach my challenges in a positive, productive way. I am so grateful for my doctor's guidance in this and for the experiences I'm having. 

While I face uncertainty at this time, I know God is giving me the highest good for my life. I really need to get on my knees and pray about what to do next with my regimen and blistered PICC line arm. He has the best answers.

Speaking of answers, if I offended anyone a couple posts back, well....I'm sorry. I had too many suggestions and some attempted manipulation all happen at once regarding my self-care, and I felt cornered. Just like with everything in my life, I want to make sure God and I are on the same page, and I will not bend my will to please someone. So has been all my life. I may be 105 pounds and look like I'm fourteen, but I am mighty. "Though she be but little, she is fierce" (Shakespeare). While I am polite and will hear you out, I am also smart. I just couldn't hear anyone else out anymore. It's no coincidence that I am a nurse having this experience. I am prepared for this. Though I can't have near as many mental tabs open at once and my Ram is weak sauce, I can think for myself and discern when something is no good for me. Suggestions often come out of love, and I thank you for the love you have felt any time you have suggested something to me. However, I will not yield to every blowing wind of suggestion. God and I have a thing going, and I trust His counsel the most.

I think I better close this out. I hope you understand a little more about my crisis and the great things that came of it. Once again, it reinforced my belief that EVERYTHING GOD GIVES US IS A GOOD THING. (I came up with that one myself!) 

I thank Him for my horrible day. I thank Him for being able to feel hives and painfully swollen lips for the first time. I thank Him for my family and friends who care about and pray for me and offer me suggestions. I thank Him that I could see the temple with my children after feeling like I walked "in the valley of the shadow of death." I thank Him for helping me become a nurse so I can keep up with the lingo and be a case manager (with Him) for myself. 

Most of all, I thank Him for loving me, and for loving me enough to provide me with the highest good in my life, trusting me to suffer and experience the things that I need to grow. I hope I can be worthy of dwelling with Him one day. I hope through this blog that I can teach what I learn. I hope I can help others as we learn to suffer with Christ. We become glorious by loving God and being grateful. 

I love that Jesus Christ kept His wounds for us, and I can't wait to kiss them. As we acquire wounds and scars, I can't help but feel that we're in the Best of company. 

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;

"And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."

Love God, and be grateful for your highest good. ❤️