Accurate Representation

If I only posted on days when I felt less horrible than usual (as I have done so far), that wouldn't be a fair representation of what day to day life is like.

And if I didn't acknowledge that my days are usually horrible to some degree, that wouldn't be fair either.

My motto for a long time was "fake it 'til you make it." And boy, did I do a slam bag job. I'd take care of patients while feeling like I was about to collapse and/or implode. This is when I was working full time in addition to being a wife and mother and having a few church responsibilities.

Even after I fiiiiinally realized I could not wish away this illness (still unidentified at the time) to fake wellness, I coifed my hair and put on makeup every day on my new days off. Maybe I could 'look' like wellness.

People do tell me I look well, all the time.

But dang it, you guys. Some days are so awful. I started today in my sauna, sweating out toxins (since my body doesn't detox on its own) while reading the hallmark talk by beloved Apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf on gratitude. And I felt it, I really did. I feel like I've tried to embody gratitude, take it into my soul. I could copy and past the whole talk to this blog, and it would perfectly blend into the purpose of this entire effort.

But before reading this talk this morning, I failed at a few things and painfully discovered an overuse injury to my right arm from something I tried to accomplish last night. The article helped me try to overlook it all. I fell into trying to fake it again and use that right arm for more work, but I couldn't for today. Then my energy plummeted and I got a bellyache.

Things can turn around in a day, and sometimes the mood plummets when physical symptoms decide to show up. The symptoms aren't me, and the emotions aren't me--they're the Lyme in my body and brain, and the other stuff. It's ok. It's forgivable--I can forgive my body's symptoms and moods and be grateful for moments. But maybe not until they're under control sometimes. Only when I'm very strong can I be grateful in the worst pain.

And I think to have to wait a minute to get it together--that's forgivable too. That's the minute when angels are bearing me up. That's when I feel Heaven is helping this mortal frame to make it. Again.